The River to Nottingham

Its was a fab weekend in Nottingham (more instalments below) and I think its about time I said my "thank yous." So, big Ta to Trevor, I've learnt more in the last couple of months than in the previous six, nothing like having the coach in the boat with you. Thanks to fellow crew members Nev & Graham, as always a source of wit, grit and amusement. Thanks to Trish (a brilliant bronze in Zagreb at the w/e) and the circuit crew for getting me a bit fitter and Charmien for teaching me how to "edge", Marcus and Wendy for the coaching and the other Marcus for his efforts at explaining the various paddling theories around (and some that aren't)

Finally thanks to everyone at the club for being so encouraging and especially my training partners Sue, Phil, Paul and Steve the "Eagle" not to mention other K4'ers who may have had to suffer my driving.

Cheers guys :))

Now, didn't someone say something about the inter club regatta in September......

A few pictures of boys and their winnings:

May 2003

Sat 5th

Trevor announces K4 training will commence the following Thursday. Puff chest out with pride for being chosen elite. Trevor announces over 35 selection barrier as the only reason rest of club hasn't made the team. I Feign surprise at meeting selection criteria

Thurs 7th

First training session. Scratch K4 crew appointed, Trevor "Scoop" Whetherall, Neil "Scoot" Thomas, Graham  "Tippy" Stonehouse and finally Nev "The Knife". Graham & I are K4 virgins and eye the boat nervously. It eyes us nervously back......

However, training starts well - we all manage to get in the boat without sinking it or generally embarrassing ourselves. All talk of winches, rescue boats, zimmers etc forgotten as we get into our stride and whizz, wobble and wing our way up river.

We meet (run down) Ross around Glovers, he complains about lack of wash and suggests we put on weight (We will). Trev gives hand signal and we undertake first turn around Glovers...Easy! So easy we do it again...

We go thru various routines, Graham's Tina Turner  impression gets the vote tho Trevor's three tenors "Nessun Dorma" drew admiring glances from the towpath. We also try Zen like "paddling with eyes shut" and the old "one of you stop paddling" routine. Graham had been doing that from the start and Nev had been reading "Footrest Monthly" since Hamertons so it was only me and Trev putting any effort in.

Lots of "building", "power on", "Lights out" instructions from the front and we reach the lock in no time at all.  Tight turn round back of boats executed then we steam back down to Eel Pie. Trev announces the "difficult" bit and we launch into series of sprint starts with Trevor bellowing instructions like he's been doing it for most of his life. Volume important as ears full of water due to Trev's "bucket" technique. Eyes, nose and mouth full of flying insects as well, but no strangers to discomfort Nev & Graham start putting in the power and we do finally manage to get the thing moving (third attempt)

Then its over...We do one more turn in front of club and arrive at the raft looking as fresh and fit as we had left it. Not content with that we jump into K1s and do a spin up round Eel pie. So knackered I forget to fall in and  eventually hop on scooter and head home.

Sunday 11th

Not strictly a training session, its actually the DW dinner & Jaaaaaaaazz evening (splendid by the way, thanks Rox) but gives us a chance to talk over the session and chat about future training techniques.

Trev announces hes on a diet (I think we know which one) but then Graham announces hes a bit lite and needs to put weight on. Honestly its like being in a boat full of girls. Fiona trys to wangle her way into the boat (K5?) on the basis that she IS a girl but Nev thinks that'll disrupt team cohesion and we reluctantly vote him out of the boat. He promises to give Fiona his back copies of Under stern Rudders Weekly as she will now be the technical person in the boat. One of the team gets drunk and spends £30 on a taxi home.

Thurs 15th

Am feeling a bit fatigued after gruelling  circuits with Trish "training for results" Davey on Tuesday and the 10K on Weds (quiet in the cheap seats!!)  and am hoping for K4 "float" session. Unfortunately Trev looks in hardcore nutter mode .....We have enough volunteers plus some press ganged passers-by to crew three boats. I get the "easy" spot behind Trevor but Graham & Nev, the "Rhythm Section" from last week decamp to Roly's boat, which is first in the water with Fiona at number two.

We're next and myself, Andy and Craig step gingerly into the boat. Trev does running jump into it and the boat sighs wearily as he sits down. We storm off with Trev choking and spitting out flies shortly after declaring the river free of the damn things. Boat 3 crew (James, Barney, Rox and Paul) get on the river and we all meet up round Glovers for a chinwag and a fag. Trev shouts to Paul that he should paddle no matter how unstable it feels. Paul looks unconvinced but has a splash anyway and we're all off.

Lots of chat going up river and we narrowly avoid ramming Boat 3 driven by the freshly L plated James. We do a few efforts with some "technique" work which (in our boat) consists of me being unable to count to five and us gliding for an indeterminate amount of time before gravity takes over and we do some more paddling. We all turn at the lock (some more elegantly than others) and line up for the next bit of work which is a bit like "Y.M.C.A" but without the music and frankly using other letters in the alphabet. We arrange paddles above our heads, on our noses and surprisingly manage to maintain a strategic lead over the other boats

Trevor’s very polite to a double scull then we prepare to "race" down eel pie. Go!! Roly’s boat putts up stiff competition whilst Trev does his Duracell Bunny impressions. I fail to notice Trevs change of pace and the boat attempts to "Mexican wave" as we approach the finish. We sportingly give the race to Roly's boat even though we were clear winners.

I secure spray deck, goggles and galoshes as Trev announces "sprint starts". Mark P + Phil join us in their K2 and we pick up Ross and Conner. We beat all comers with Trev cleverly emptying the river in front of us into the boat, we gargle our appreciation. Celebrations are modest and there is little outward display of triumph and we head for the raft for a de-boat (hoarse from shouting and whooping).

Back in the locker room, I've managed to forget my soap and Graham offers me his Timtoei. I decline on the grounds that I won't be able to humiliate him by telling everyone he uses it  if I use the stuff myself. He pleads with me not to tell anyone. I promise I won't.

We declare ourselves ready for the regattas tho Trevor states goal for K4 squad is "To finish the course the right way up". After 10 cups of tea I go home without spending any money on a taxi.

<Sat 17

Trevor, looking for K4 wannabees from the balcony, waves a sheaf of Regatta application forms at the usual suspects and manages to pick up some other recruits. Sue not entirely convinced that Phil in drag could make the lady's crew but puts her name down anyway. Trev has a couple of refusals but looks well pleased with his recruitment drive. Again, manage to get home without lining the pockets of local taxi drivers.

Thurs 22

Much to Trevs relief I was not able to make the session. Asked Sue to give him the rather inappropriate "The dog ate my homework" excuse on my behalf. She told him I was skiving. Not true...I was working and I have the bedsores to prove it. I have also photocopied my BCU membership card as requested. The dog may have ate that as well. Graham claims he had a rib injury. I'm not saying he didn't but he'll need a doctor’s note next time...

Anyway, a moderate turnout, seven in all which meant Nev teamed up with Roly (driving) and an unknown Irishman wearing a "Greenland Expedition" cag. A tough cookie but frankly he'll need to be if he's to compete at our level. He'll need a good sense of irony too. So, if my maths is correct that meant a three-man boat?

Trevs boat packed out with talent with Tim "mind my Jag" Killip in the rear gunners seat, Sue "Boyz" Back at three and Fiona fiddling at two. A good session by all accounts with Trev maintaining his hammer down, whirlybird approach to the whole thing and everyone else having a good chat with some splashing thrown in.

In an effort to maintain accuracy Nev has asked me to point out that he subscribes to "Over stern Weekly" (not Under stern as stated earlier in this blog) and Graham insists that he doesn't use Timotei. He does and I won't mention it again.

Looking forward to a week packed with rigorous training sessions all with a K4 flavour. So circuits on Tuesday will include a "Morris Dancing" station, 60 secs on 10 secs off, in groups of four obviously, and the 10K time trial on Weds becomes 4K (do keep up). Finally, I'll be running a session on Thursday morning for those of you that care to join me at 4am.

Balcony gossip, er...I mean training news, Ollie & Pip visiting from the North say its wet & cold up there...Really? Carstons birthday bash went well (seen the pics, £5 for negs, see Peter Barnes) and congrats to Sean and Richard on their selection for the Irish WW team. Sean last heard giving Richard Irish lessons... no, no its "Yer man over dere" not "That Chap over thar". Winners whatever the accent I should think?

Saturday 24th

Peter short of experienced paddlers for the beginners session so I offer my services. He frowns then says he might let one of the new arrivals take me out in a double discovery later.

He relents and finally allocates "Owen" to my boat who sobs when he sees who’s going to drive but his dad says they wouldn't let anyone dangerous take him out would they? I get in the boat and zip off up river...returning to pick up Owen who, unsportingly, did not get into the boat at the first attempt.

Eventually get going and after a bit we re-group around Glovers but sense Owen getting bored and we "race" anyone that is in front of us. Ask him if he's ever been this fast in a boat before and he says "No" but his sister could walk faster and she’s only three.

Later, brother Will replaces him in the boat and he says its unstable. You ain't seen nothing yet says I and we whoop and shout as we overtake two old ladies in a rowing boat. We shoot round Eel Pie and lose the group so I adopt some training techniques from the K4 sessions and drench him with water. He's got his eyes shut and his paddles hoisted over his head at this point so he’s a tad surprised but I tell him its all part of the "training". Not like Tuesdays he says.

Sunday 25th

10 am, Meet Sue + Steve for a spin up river. Have a pre-spin mug of tea on the balcony & Spot a social K4 outing of Mark, Liz, Pip and Ollie, they manage to look very cool & in time leaving the raft and I make mental note to ask Trev to let us do the same on Thursday.

Sue elects to take a Javelin out, and quickly fulfils our hopes and falls in at Hamertons. I'm in my Jag and I haven’t learnt to stop gracefully so Steve has to do the rescue thing. Sue does Tarzan (possibly Jane) impression up a mooring rope to round of applause from onlookers whilst small boy holds her boat.

We eventually get to the lock and meet Graham returning from Kingston (shopping I think). I hear aloud crack from his boat as he gets in but I haven't got the hang of looking round yet and so couldn't see if it was terminal. He overtakes us at Eel Pie listing slightly but not sure if that was boat damage. In fact I could've been listing, its hard to tell...

For reasons unknown agree to 11 am start the following day.

<Monday 26th

Meet Sue at appointed time. Steve nowhere to be seen so I take a pointy boat round to Glovers for Sue to try out. Hang around for entertainment but Sue wise to that game and refuses to fall out. I return to club to get the Jag...

Dunkerque re-enactment seems to be taking place and the river looks busy. The tide decides to make an appearance as well but I reckon its no big deal and set off towards Richmond Bridge aiming to turn up river ASAP. The Jag hasn't read the script and refuses to do anything other than stall, swerve and generally misbehave. I dodge a couple of gin palaces and take a breather at the slipway next to the bridge. I then entertain the bank holiday crowds by reversing into the stream, which by now has taken on the look of the South Atlantic. Shant bore you with the rest of the session but eventually returned to the raft with nerves shot to pieces and the G, S& H missing from my GSOH.

Retire to the "Slug" where Sue buys me a pint and my humour returns. Unfortunately my G + S remain firmly up river and we return to the club for some more drinking. Its not tea. Sue gets her paddles buffed by Nick and Penny & Tony appear to tell us all about their inflatable Kayak (three fins apparently). Briefly chat to Heinrich who turns out to be the"Irishman" in Roly's K4 last Thursday. An easy mistake to make Nev, no need to be embarrassed.

Tony suggests we take advantage of the two for one cocktail offer up the road and we leave Sue discussing muscle groups or something with Majid. The whole thing gets a bit hazy at this point but I do remember starting off with a ”Sunstroke" followed by a "Brazilian Bishop". I narrowly avoid having to take a taxi home and stagger off to the station. My scooter spends yet another night chained up outside the club…

Tuesday 27th

Circuits..Ooo, eee, aaaah, gnnhh etc. Trish 4^th in Hungary regatta 1000M (well done) so our tips must be working. We taught her all she knows (about tea drinking) so I think we need some recognition. The quality of the Tuesday night gym sessions have clearly raised her performance that little bit extra!

Wednesday 28

Circuits have left me dead and I take the Jag out for a spin rather than do the 10K. Much derision from paddling partners but I’m saving myself….

Thursday 29

We manage to rustle up two crews tonight and Trev announces the red boat needs a driver and I'm almost sick as he orders me into the No1 seat. Still, can't be that difficult can it? The seven other attendees crowd round Trevs boat as straws are drawn. Sue, Tim and Craig get the short ones they're with me and Trev gets Andy, Claudia and Nev.

As we move off Craig announces his paddles aren't feathered so we have a go at capsizing while he sorts himself out. When we do get going the boat lurches and staggers like a drunk and everyone is shouting (crying) at once. I shout QUIET! But it doesn't seem to have any effect and for 5 mins there’s four drivers in the boat.

I take out a couple of rowing boats, two ducks and a barge which shuts everyone up (including me) and we catch up with Blue boat around Glovers. The first effort isn't bad and I feel the boat begin to get a rhythm of sorts. I try to maintain a reasonable rate whilst engaging in light banter with Sue. She advises me to get out of equities and into bonds but Tim thinks the DAX is worth a punt. Craig disagrees and suggests stuffing whatever I've got under the mattress. I avoid Trevs boat by a whisker. He seems very relaxed about it but we get all tense again.

I abandon small talk and take the authoritarian approach ordering everyone to get their act together or they won't be paddling with me next week. They all feign incompetence and start splashing around...they are so WEAK. Trev trying to psyche us out by pointing out trees round rudders and non-existent dead dogs. Red boat v cool and refuse to rise to the bait...

We saunter up round Eel Pie doing some of that gliding stuff. Tim's doing the counting but not sure what number system he's using and lots of shouting ensues as we try to figure out what 5 is in binary. Trev claims a win on the "5 & 2s" but we cleverly leave our best stuff for the effort up to the lock and we shoot past them to the winning post (sort of). We do our first turn and manage to avoid Blue boat as they cock-up there’s. Suggest to Trev that he watches the professionals in future. I think he said he would.

We do 30 secs on 30 off and Sue counts our stroke rate at 96 strokes per min. Frankly that has me knackered within short order and I'm only just hanging on to the paddles as we do the last interval. Blue boat beats us on 5 out of 6 but we weren’t far off and Trev always sneaks a head start!! Can't feel my arms as we do some more efforts towards Glovers and I'm relieved when we call it a day and finish up at the raft. I barely manage to help carry the boat up the ramp and I'm thinking of handing on my L plates to another victim...anyone?????

Saturday 31

No training as I'm moving to St Margrets today. My, straight, non-pizza delivery scooter will be happy as it won't get chained up outside the club quite so often. Manage to find my way from new house to the club and do some buger flipping and drinking at Sam's Birthday Party...happy birthday :) Get lost on the way home...(it was dark, I wasn't drunk alrite?).

June 2003

Sunday 1st June

When we get back, Steve phones Marcus G and buys his Eagle for wad of cash and some sort of "arrangement". I think it involves small animals but I won't speculate....Possibly a badger?

Meet Marcus (Gohar) at the club, actually he finds us hiding in the galley nursing hangovers and orders us out onto the river. Suzie (no boat) Back, Phil, Paul, Steve, Kumla and I boat up and thunder up river while Marcu's barks commands and instructions at us. Day of rest?....don't think so. Thanks Marcus :)

Monday 2

Steve takes his Eagle out for a spin and looks comfortable from the off, we get to Eel pie and I demand a go..He reluctantly hands it over but only after I've threatened to tell everyone about the Badger. Seems OK for a second-hand boat but think he paid way too much (in Badger terms) and it seems, well...a bit "girlie" ? Can't put my finger on it but vow to ask Marcus next time I see him.

Phil and I don high seats and plow up and down around Glovers. Feels like I'm perched on the Eiffel tower and I begin to pray in French: "Mon Dieu, Je ne regret rien" I chant as the Jag attempts to unseat me. "Sacre Bleu, fromage, que?". I exhaust my French vocabulary & return to the raft, I see Paul doing much the same in his Jag tho in Italian. Obviously.

Tuesday 3

Meet Richard H in the pub who said he'd had a great time in the Czech Republic representing Ireland and that his Gaelic was coming along fine...tho Those Irish boys are a bit crazy says he. Irony was having a day off then?

I Wake Steve up to suggest he goes home, hes been sleeping in his boat ever since he bought it and its starting to get silly. I'm not sure how he got it on the train.

No circuits tonite so Phil & I whiz up to Eel pie and practice wash hanging on the way back. Can't get to grips with the clothes line technique but Phil seems to think its only a matter of time before we get the hang of it. Oh "wash" hanging I geddit...no I don't.

Wednesday 4

Its the 10K....No Javelins left so I nick a Cougar and fight the thing round a rather disapointing three laps. Still, its a benchmark of sorts and I can only improve. Had a bad moment when I thought one of the surf board boys was trying to overtake me and I re-doubled my efforts, the cheek of it!!

Felt I deserved the fab food (thanks Kim n'Kate) but possibly not the two pints of beer at The Rose (I don't care, re-hydration innit?).

Thurs 5

Enough victims for two boats tonite;

Red boat: has me driving, Sue at number two (by request), Zdenka at three and Andy at four.
Blue boat: Trevor has done his ribs in fighting with some scullers but braves it out at number two behind Tim. Kumala is at three with Craig doing tail end Charlie duties.

We're first on the water and I keep my eyes tightly shut as we launch on the top of a speedboat wave. The boat adopts odd angles and we shake, rattle & roll accross the river towards Glovers. We're a tad unsteady and theres alot of swearing and shouting behind me. blue boat kindly stops to let us catch up but we're behind again very shortly as we fight and wriggle our way to the lock.

We do manage to turn at the lock which was our best manouvre, perhaps we could enter the 500M turning sprint? Dunno but we're having a bit of a mare and I don't think I help much by shouting "Keep paddling!" every 30 seconds. Its the only thing I can think of saying apart from Feck, damn and whaaaa! Blue boat very unhelpful as they appear to be cruising effortlessly whilst "battling" would best describe our efforts.

Get back to the raft without to much of mishap (thats a win in my book) and get a chance to look at everyones face for the first time..."Drawn and Tense" quickly followed by "Relief" sounds about right.

Back in the boys changing room Nick G. tells us (confidentialy) that he thought it was was Sue causing the problems. We shop him immediately and Sue gives him an ear bashing. He manfully trys to dig himself out of his hole but eventually have to drag Sue off down the Slug for a soothing beer.

Get halfway home before I remember my scooter is chained up outside the club. One of those days...

Friday 6th

Check my diary...no paddling...can't be right...it is!!

Put glad rags on and go out on the lash. Manage to limit intake to non-hangover proportions but don't get home til way past my bedtime. Could be a tad weary tomorrow :(

Saturday 7th

Coaches have either gone to the Nottingham Regatta (how did we do?) or have simply given up hope. Either way we're left to our own devices. Normally that means we drink tea on the balcony but for some reason Steve, Gazza, Paul, Phil and myself manage to get on the water without said beverage. Tea is part of our warm up routine so missing it could've exposed us to injury. However we like to live life on the edge.

Sue's not here (sore chest apparently, we gufawe and giggle at the news, we're boys right?) so Gary takes up the light entertainment baton and decides to take out a Javelin. He hasn't read the small print on his contract and neglects to fall in. We leave him at Glovers and motor up to the lock and back.

Unlike Gary I have read the small print and subsequently take out the Jag with a high seat in it. I say "take out" but I'm not sure falling in 6 inches from the raft counts. Still, the waters warm and I did get back in & managed to paddle up round Hamertons with only the occaisional "whhooo wheeeyyy" splash thing. Phil, still shaking with laughter, decides to fit hi seat round the corner rather than humiliate himself by capsizing at the raft. Huh.

Meet Graham leaving the club and he explains that his abscence has been due to injury not hair care product embarrasment. It would've kept lesser people than you away from the club for good says I tho' the wig, sunglasses and German accent nearly had me fooled. He salutes and shouts "Deutschland Uber Alles" which is taking the whole disguise thing too far...It may not have been Graham.

Sunday 8th

Phil, me, Sue & Steve wait patiently for Marcus to arrive and drink tea contemplating the upcoming session. Sue informs us that her sore chest has improved and we decide not to make any witty remarks. Actually Phil snorts in his tea, Steve is leaning againt the balcony weak with laughter and I'm attemtping to turn schoolboy grin into a studied frown. Marcus arrives just in time and I'm taking a Whisper out with Elliette while the others take K1s.

Sue has bit of a do at the raft so I nip round the corner in the Javelin whilst she hops in the double. We swap boats at Glovers and Sue sets off while we do the session. Its a typical Marcus one with him in the C1 correcting our technique (he's kept busy) and I'm grateful I'm in the K2. However he spots me showboating and orders me to increase my rate "by at least 20 per cent". He's kdding right? Seems not so I twirl the blades as fast as I can which brings faint praise..." a bit better". Think Elliette must be doing all of the work.

Elliette & I thrash everyone to the lock including Steve in his Eagle which he has now fully bonded with (aahhh). We get a yellow card for "closing the door" on Phil forcing him into some moored boats but I claim driving incompetence not pre-meditation. No one believes me.

We form a close approximation of a diamond (it could've been a tetrahedon) and I finally start to believe that this wash hanging lark is actually beneficial. The whisper is a bit front heavy and we nose dive into the wash of the Merry Thames nearly colliding with Marcus. He's not happy and gives me what for tho I claim the incompetent driving skills excuse. won't be able to use that for much longer!!

Back at the club Phil takes Steve's Eagle out and falls in twice. Lovely.

Monday 9th

6.45 am..Switch alarm off rollover, go back to sleep

6.55 am..Switch alarm off rol.....Hang on!! I did say I'd go out this morning. Blimey.

7.20 am..Push off from the raft, river is flat, no wind, sun is shining. I'm still asleep.

Despite perfect conditions I'm not sure I did them justice although I did paddle round for 40 minutes with a smile on my face. I take tea & toast on the balcony (this is sooo Richmond) and watch the morning break over the river....almost take a sickie....almost...

Tuesday 10th

Circuits..I'm doing girlie weights tonite in order to avoid feeling like a dead dingo on the 10K tomorrow.

But still feel completely knackered at the end of it. Trev is there coaching his juniorS (seems to be more every week) and he asks me if I want to do a vets 500M K2 at Nottingham as well as the K4. Its my distance, I reply, and we contemplate doing the 1000M as well. "Thats twice as far" says Trevor, after a short pause to do the maths. We may need to have our pacemakers adjusted for that kind of distance so we just pencil it in as a possible.

Go to the pub to celebrate another day without a P45.

Wednesday 11

Managed to strain a muscle in my back last night :( so decide not to do 10K tho nearly fall off my scooter whilst going over Richmond bridge trying to see who's doing what on the river. Ruefully eat cheese sandwich at home, I should've turned up for the food at least!!

Thursday 12

Back still a bit stiff but decide to do K4 anyway and Turn-up to find the boathouse has had a bit of a makeover. The seat "cage" has been removed and Trev's had a special spade built so he can indulge his other passion: gardening. With some relish he has a hack at the undergrowth adjoining the raft and We have to retreat behind some boats as bits of soil and debris get hurled around. I can see where he gets his paddling action from...

River looks really nice as we get the boats out and people are larking around coz its sunny. Everyone's still in a jovial mood as people are allocated seats tho' Claudia seems not to "get" the 4 in K4 and asks Trev how many seats are needed. He says three.

White boat is trev, me, Sue and Graham whilst the Red boat is Tim (in lurid pink for a change), Claudia, Craig and, making a guest appearance, Tim (Killip).

We hop, skip and step carefully down the raft and we're boated up and launched before I have a chance to take stock. In fact it's all to quick and we have to beach round the corner to make seat adjustments.

We finally get going and theres lots of stuff up to the lock, I'm on counting & gliding duty this week and frankly its not much better than Sue's last week. One day we'll get the hang of it and hopefully before the Regatta. Trev mentions something about watching our shadows to check our technique but my silohuette seems to be marred by a dead fish and bin bag, no wonder my paddling is bad.

Smart turns are executed at the lock and we're escorted by various K1 outriders (Mahjid and Ross) as we thunder down past Eel pie. Trev attempts to up the rate to something approximating race pace but frankly we're not up to it and we're gonna need some work on it if we're going to figure in the Regatta. Tim's boat giving it alot of gas (verbally) but they ain't no where near us as we win by a nose. Possibly Trevor's.

My forearms feel like they've been filled with lead and beaten with a big stick which has a negative impact on my paddling. Trev's roaring and shouting at us to put some effort in, "naming & shaming", and we beat the red boat hands (paddles?) down again. Sue's contact lenses have floated off and she's having diffculty matching our timing, fortunately Nicks not around to pass judgement so she gets away with it (ahem..)

We get back to the raft and we once the boats are away we do a short spin upto Eel pie in K1's. Sue nmanges to stay in her Javelin much to her relief and our disapointment (not really, well done!)

Sat 14

The usual suspects are mssing today and I find myself thumb twiddling on the balcony wondering what to do. Marcus suggests Alex's group so I boat up with the Jag and ship out with the rest of them feeling a little...underpowered. With good cause coz I'm struggling to keep up on the rather understated "warm-up". I mangage to catch everyone up by Eel Pie only for alex to shout "GO!!" and I'm a hundred meters adrift by the time the effort finishes. This repeats itself up and down the river to the extent that I'm not entirelly sure WHO was in Alex's group. I saw Nev occaisionally and Graham put in an appearance at the back once or twice but frankly it could've been the enitre olympic team in drag and I'd have been none the wiser. Tho' Farther behind perhaps..

I Lounge around after the session drinking tea, eating cake and generally dissing returning paddlers as they fight for space at the raft. I'm becoming a well read arm chair paddler and can spot a dodgy catch, poor rotation and bad tea handling technique from some way off.

Go home early to prepare for dinner party (no, really)

Sun 15

Dinner party a huge success and I have a hangover plus a large bump on the back of my head. I was showing everyone how to do the twisty thing on the large swiss gym ball (a must at all good dinner parties) when I er....fell off. The lounge door was shut, banged my head. Thought you'd like to know. Its dangerous, don't do it.

9.30am, everyone thats anyone is down to bag a boat for the race at the Royal. Phil, myself, Fiona, Kumala, Paul and Gazza are there as well. We form a convoy and along with Ivana & Jane in a K2 and amble up river to the Royal. We've arrive a tad early and have about three hours to wait before the Div 7, 8 & 9 races so we sunbathe, eat sarnies & snooze. Someone starts a water fight, wasn't me. Fiona, one step forward.

1.45 pm. Stuffed to the gunnales with lemon dirzzle cake I find myself on the start line wearing my sunhat and shades. Graham shouts encouragement: "c'mon pork pie". Very funny. I'm trying to think of a witty rejoinder when someone shouts "GO!" and theres lots of splashing. I'm cunningly placed wide to avoid everyones wash so despite a poor start I quickly catch the leading pack of 12 yearolds. They unsportingly speed up and I'm hanging on desparately when I inexplicably fall in. Race over...

Fortunately a young French girl standing on the bank seems keen to aid my rescue. I'm keen as well so together we get me, the boat and my paddles on the bank. Things are looking up and I quickly enagage her in conversation. However my lack of French is cruelly exposed and once we've run through where the pen owned by my aunt can be found and confirmed that the cat really is in the garden she begins to look bored.

I decide to get back in further down the bank and she carries the boat and my paddles whilst I open various gates marked "Private - NO ENTRY". Shes struggles to get thru the nettles and bankside undergrowth but with some encouragement she eventually gets the boat in the water.

"Tu est tres jollie, Votre phone numbre, qu'est ce que c'est?" I ask before paddling off. She runs away. I retire, DNF, Null point, no cigar.

So, Fiona wins Div 9 (well done) Phil, Paul, Gazza, Stafford, Andy, Craig & Pancho, Kumala do well in Div 7 & 8 with Simon doing well to come second in 7. Charmien & Mellissa do Div 6 in a K2 while Doug did rather well in the twelve miler. Blimey, good turnout.

Monday 16

Do morning session with Sue up to lock and back. Sue's trying to stay in a Jav and I'm doing something approximating "technique" work. Penny & Tony join us for some of the way and It's such a gorgeous sunny day I find it difficult to concentrate. Water is fab, no wind...lovely.

We do the same in the afternoon, tho Sue gets tangled with some anglers equipment and I try to master "power circle 7". I find out later that there isn't one but it keeps me occupied while sue fights it out with the grumpy fisherman. Nothing can spoil our mood so we retire for some beer with Steve "The Eagle".

(Have managed to pick up some new and exciting tan lines so day wasn't wasted)

Tuesday 17

10.30 Raining rather heavily so Sue & I drink tea and watch the surveyors do things with tripods and tape measures. They drink tea as well and after some more rain we get out onto the river (us, not the surveyors).

Its not bad, flat, no wind etc so I thought I'd have a go at wash hanging the Merrie Thames (M.T.) for a laugh. The jag's up for it as well so we chase the "wave" up Eel pie. Thats about as fast as I've ever been without chemical assistance (tea) and I'm grining like a cheshire cat ("un chien de Cheshire", if only I'd been so eloquent yesterday)

We do it again in the afternoon but I'm less succcessful at wash hanging the M.T. and I'm nearly put in by what seems like giant waves. The boat passengers stare glassily ahead like it's normal for someone sitting on a wobbly bit of fibreglass to bounce around like a loon behind a Thames passenger boat. The captain's seen it all before and laughs like a drain.

Shoot off early, missing circuits & coincidently I meet tony & Penny at the White Swan. I'm really there to meet my French "rescuer" from the race on Sunday. I shoo them off before she gets there, worried they might expose my "World Championship winner in record time" stories. "Bonjour Fifi, du vin ou un pint of bitter?" I rehearse quietly under my breath. Just wish I'd paid attention at school. Wish I'd gone to school come to that.

Weds 18

10.30 Charmien kindly agrees to take us out for some edging, portaging and le mans start practice. I've no idea what she's talking about but it beats plouging up to the lock and back so we (Penny, Tony, Sue, Paul & I) get out there smartly. Can't remember having so much fun in a boat before and I even manage to apply the edging stuff in the 10K later. Ta Charmie fab stuff.

6.45pm..10K time. Not my favourite distance (by 9.5K) but I chance my arm and do it in the Jag. Conditions are nasty & bumpy with the tide doing its thing as well. But I do manage to finish in my fastest time so far. I estimate that if I improve by 1 minute per week I'll be doing it in 7 minutes by October, thats more like it...

Thurs 19

No kayak blog (I'm writing this on Weds) coz Sue, Phil & I are off to the Lakes for a "Three go mad in keswick" long weekend. Bit worried coz someone mentioned walking up hills, my legs are starting to wither from lack of use so it might be "challenging".

Friday 20th

I was right to be worried. Sue and Phil march up Red Pike like it was a molehill while I'm making more of a mountain out of it. I'd judged it as a four Kit Kat hill but it turns out to be a 6. We do High Stile and Haystack for good measure by which time I'm beginning to think the 10K time trial is a bit of a float.

Retire to the pub for well earned beer and finally collapse into the worlds smallest tent and oblivion. We may have drunk a bit more than was sensible. We may not.

Saturday 21st

After a quick check on sore heads and sore limbs we decide to do a small hill called Cat's Bells which overlooks Derwent Water. I say "small" and indeed the book indicates that it's no Everest at 700M. Effin' steep though. Faint with exhaustion I manage to do the final summit where Phil and Sue are relaxing after a quick ascent. Gits. I decide not to do the extra hill on offer and bail out returning to Keswick by boat which turns out to be a good move.

Phil calls saying Sue has got them lost and what can I do about it. We agree to give her a good talking to when they return about the efficacy of taking complete idiots out with her on the hills. I eat ice cream and make faces at passing babies until they return....three hours later. I bought a new pole with a camera mount. Fab toy.

We BBQ in the rain which is fun if a little wet and rib Sue about her map reading skills. Ours are perfect, obviously....

Sunday 22nd

Surprisingly we didn't drink that much last night and there've been no complaints from our neighbours. We've decided on Great Gable today and we set off in high spirits having bought lashings of lemonade and stocks of food. It looks like an 8 Kit Kat job to me so I've bought 16 just in case. Eat half of them in the car on the way. I may have reversed into a small boulder. I may have moved it a couple of feet. Easily done, move on, nothing to see.

On the way in Phil drops my compass into a stream and whilst he dons scuba gear to retrieve it I use my new toy to take some pics. Its a lovely day and the walk up is very pleasant so we stop at a waterfall where Phil clears his head by immersing it in a pool at the bottom. I do the same and my watch stops. Water resistant to 50M...don't think so. Much to our chagrin Sue manages to keep her top dry and we continue the climb to the summit.

Which is in cloud. We attempt to get lost, visibility is down to 10 meters, but Phil and Sue are too good at this lark and, without a hitch, we make our way back down to Windy Gap. It is, so we don't hang around and descend through the cloud base (do say if I'm getting too technical?) to the road. Sue demands we walk faster but we're not having any of it so we put our fingers in our ears and sing "la LA LA la LA!!".

For the first time we drink far to much beer and Phil makes Sue cry by criticising her paddling technique. She could've been laughing while I was describing Phil's but It was hard to tell. I cry as we've missed last orders and they've been dissing my walking "tights". Meanwhile Phil fights back the tears because we threaten to expose his mossey dry wall fetish. Its a very emotional end to a fab weekend...

Monday 23rd

Bit sad coz its been a good holiday and assorted hangovers don't help. We cheer ourselves up by buying stuff in Keswick then hop in the motor for the 7 hour journey home. Frank's on the CD player and we soon know all the words to Leroy Brown (...baddest man in the whole darn town..) though pitch perfect it ain't. We spin it one more time before we get to Richmond then its goodbye, adios and all that.

Looking forward to a bit of paddling tomorrow...

Tuesday 24th

Dash down the club eager to get out in the Jag. Meet Nev on the balcony whose seems a bit glum about his race on Sunday suspecting he'll get a D notice. I distract him by asking when we're going to get another of his high kneeling C1 "Performance Art" routines. Soon, says he smiling, soon....

Paul, Phil and Steve turn up and but I'm meeting someone later(no, not the French bird, that was a fib ok?) so I don't hang around and Steve the "Eagle" & I paddle up to Eel Pie. The river is buzzing with assorted junior groups and Trevor shouts for us to get out of the way as he lets them loose up river. We turn around at the top of Eel Pie and attempt to do the "Standing Up" in a boat routine. I manage to do it for a second or two before leaping out but the Jag thinks its a bit of wheeze to float off without me. Steve's laughing too much to help though frankly his attempt is less than impressive as he dives out of his boat before getting vertical. Ross cruises past grinning at our amateur antics but declines to give us a masterclass.

Eek! I'm late so sprint back to the club chasing Steve's wash as Phil joins us. I'm showered and changed in two minutes flat then out to Teddington for a BBQ "a deux". Manage to control intake of beer to none staggering proportions but have to leave scooter chained up and take the bus home.

Wednesday 25

8.00 am..Retrieve scooter from yesterday evenings BBQ venue and take tea on the lawn down by the pool with the hostess (no really, I'm not making this up). Did I mention it overlooked the Thames? No? It does which is how I manage to spot Steve the "Eagle" out for his morning constitution so I shout some encouragement as he paddles past. Looks like secret training to me and I make a mental note not to tell anyone about it before reluctantly setting off for work. Your secrets safe with me Steve.

6.30pm...10K time trial ....still not my favourite thing to do but I need the exercise. There's 43 of us so the raft is somewhat busy but the river looks low and flat. It turns out to be bumpy. I'm only 15 mins into it before I start wondering what the hell I'm doing out there. It usually takes 20 mins so its not a good omen. However my edging is coming along well and I overtake a couple of boats at Twickers bridge. Encouraged I put a bit more effort in and finally finish in my best time ever. Tho suspect the Regatta "Fee" that Trevor "The Bung" relieved me of earlier may have included a bribe for 10K "adjustments". Most people seem to have done well and Craig, Milos (that could be spelt wrong) and a few others do PBs whilst Colin allows Liz to escort him round in under an hour.....Gary has finally read the small print on his K1 contract as has Pancho and they both fall out of their Javelins.....Splendid stuff!

After fantastic food (ta to Fiona, Charlotte, Karl and Lance) we adjourn to the pub to celebrate Sue's birthday. Happeee birthday to you...(hic)...etc. Leave scooter in chains & take the bus home. Again.

Thursday 26th

K4 training day. Its two weeks since the last effort and with consecutive 10K PB's under my belt I'm feeling chippa but with two rather late nites also under my belt (unintended innuendo there) I'm also feeling a bit tired. There's a full compliment of "Vets" to crew the red boat and after a bit of faffing around Trev, me, Neville & Graham get on the water.

Trev's getting serious and announces 3 x 1000M race pace efforts with some 500M stuff at the end. Eh? He's not joking and we warm up to Eel Pie then ease back down to the car park for the first one. There's some kids shouting "Go!" and we wait for Trev to do the same...."GOOOO!!"....the boat lurches like a wounded elephant and we manage to pick it up from about 500M out. Did I say we? there's not much left in my tank by the time Trev calls "easy!" at the top of Glovers and I'm seriously considering being sick. If I could breathe I would.....Did someone say 3:50? Might've done

After what was laughingly called a rest we do an upstream, upwind 1000M which has roughly the same "lights out" effect on me but the boat seems to move faster. I adjust my pacemaker to "fast" and advise Trev that I might need a bit more of a rest before the next one. Nev announces that he thinks the rate is "about right" and Graham concurs. That's good says Trev coz that's about as fast as he can go anyway.....

We do one more from the car park and silence the hecklers by executing a cracking start. But I've put too much into it and at 500M I gargle to Trev that "the rate at which my lactic acid is being cleared appears to be lagging behind the rate at which its being produced". I actually used the shortened version "I'm << expletive >>". However we do manage to finish and with 100M to go I recover slightly tho I'm only vaguely aware of my paddles entering the water. Blimey no one said it was going to hurt.....ow ow ow ow ow ow....ow

We abandon the 500M idea and call it a day coz I'm not well and we return to the raft. We discuss strategy in the changing room and the consensus seems to be that "Paddle like fury for the first 100M, hang on for dear life for another 650M then pass out with pain during the next 100M" should do it. I've no idea what happens during the last 150M coz I've not been conscious during it. Trevor appoints me as chief race strategist.....

I reckon we could make the final. Tho looking at June's Vet K4 entry we could be the only boat in the final..that means we could get Gold, Silver & Bronze plus the wooden spoon for being last. As a parting shot Trev announces that me & him should take the K2 out for some 500M stuff on Sat morning....but only after some more K4 training. I want my mum....

I finally do the traditional "I must go" routine at half hourly intervals whilst drinking tea and gossiping with Tim, Paul & Ross until I really do go home & chain my scooter up in the proper place.

Saturday 28th

I arrive at the boathouse to find the boys involved in an  "image consultancy" meeting. Figuring that the better we look on the starting line the more likely we are to win we decide on matching "England" sunglasses plus a Beckham "Mohican" dyed in club colours. Nev reckons we should wear club T shirts but Trev reckons that'll look ridiculous so we opt for lounge suits. There's some talk about waterproof eyeliner but no one knows what Graham's on about so we decide to get on the water......

After playing around in  a passenger boat wash ("fun" says Trevor) we do the 4 x 500M race efforts which had to be abandoned on Thurs due to me being knackered. I'm still knackered but 500M seems much more achievable  than 1000M and I'm pleased I haven't been sick at the end of the first one. We save our best 500 for effort three but only after adjusting our starting routine to "10 short powerful strokes" as opposed to "10 frenzied, all out, mad axeman" type strokes. The fourth effort is marred by a misunderstanding of the significance of the Flagpole two thirds of the way down Eel Pie. That's at 400M not 500M. Turns out that only Trev knew that and he was keeping it to himself.....Not a bad outing though and if we can get the start, the middle and the end right we'll be in with a chance.

After we get back Nev & Graham get their K1's out but I stop for a cup of Tea and some sun. Trev's set-up the K2 and we go out to join some seniors coming up the river....The boats hellish wobbly and I think my stability's been overestimated coz the wash hanging nearly has us in. We try again and after a few minutes I relax and the boat seems to be moving better. So well in fact that we hop onto the wash of the Merrie Thames (MT)  for a lift up past Eel pie. We're happy enough with the result though I imagine there's a bit of work to do before Athens.

That nite...Sue has a splendid party at the club though the BBQ is so hot we start making fancy iron work and shoeing shire horses to order. The usual suspects are there...Peter does his David Bailey bit, Danni brings on the Cake and Sue talks so much hardly a drop of drink passes her lips. Likely story. There's even enough people at the end to put the place back into some sort of shape (thanks Phil, Paul, Marcus and Caroline). Get home at 3.00am. Fall asleep. Burp.

Sunday 29th June

11.00 am Fresh after 6 hours of unconsciousness I'm ready for anything. Trev is as well and he spots the Merrie Thames so we canter down the raft, leap into the boat and hop onto the wash. Easy. We're joined by Joe for the cruise up river. Its very pleasant and so calming is it that Trev buys a ticket from the driver, has a snooze and I leaf through "Pointy Boat" monthly that Nev's lent me. Trev wakes up at the lock (for the record we did do some other "off wash" stuff)  asks the driver if he's turning round coz we won't be able to get back if he doesn't. It gets a bit more serious on the way back and we do some more efforts "off wash" and I begin to think we might just be alright. Hopefully the Merrie Thames  will fit in our lane at Nottingham.

1. 00 PM After some Tea & sun we go out again. Trev chooses the biggest passenger boat he can find and we attempt to get on its wash. The damn thing is huge and there's a large plume of water being ejected from its stern. I'm feeling much the same and I feverishly finish writing my will before paddling frantically towards certain immersion. After alot of asymmetrical and somewhat panicky paddling we fall off the wash.....bit sad coz it looked a good one and we're going to have to paddle up river without assistance. The waves caused by the boat are nasty and we're all over the place up to Hamertons but we do a 500M down Eel pie and it feels great. I even manage to keep paddling past the flagpole. Next up is sprint starts which again, don't feel too bad. Trev's doing a good job with the startline coaching and I'm in danger of getting the hang of this.....

Paul & Sue return from wobbly boat practice so we retire for a late lunch and some more sun. Phil joins us outside the Slug & Lettuce and we chat about boats, beer and bridges.......I really could take this canoeing lark up as a hobby.

Monday 30th June

I'm not entirely sure my physiology is up to this but it's 6.00 PM and I find myself adjusting my seat in the K4 again. This is all starting to get terribly serious but I'd hoped the session would be 500M stuff. Nah says Tev....1000M. We negotiate with Trev down from 6 x 1000M to 4 and set off at a comfortable pace up river. The boats solid and I'm beginning to like the "rear gunner" position so I shoot up some passing ducks as we ease our way past Hamertons.

Trev shakes me out of my reverie as I have to do "rudder" duties turning round at Eel Pie for the float down to the car park. Our young angler friends are their again and they get into the swing of things by shouting GO! but we're unmoved until Trev bellows GOOO!! then we unleash the wild beast that is the vets K4 and thunder down river. I forget to save a bit for the end and the pick up is a tad desultory but its not bad and no one needs resuscitating at the end. Timing, rate and signals are adjusted and we do an upriver run. It bloody hurts and Trevor's calling out the rate so we know roughly how we're doing. Its a bit better as is the third run downstream.

We leave the best til last and give it all we've got in the last 100M of the fourth run which leaves Graham & I completely shot, there's nothing left. Neville suggests we do a fith one down Eel Pie and if I'd had the strength to whack him with my paddle I would've done. I manage to convey my feelings on the issue and we turn down river for a warm down. However it feels suspiciously like a sneaky 750M effort and my muscles are complaining. I'm too knackered to whinge!! We get back to the club and as we're hauling the boat up the ramp Tim laughingly suggests I look knackered. I was, I am, I will be......

The sensible thing would've been to go home and lie down in a dark room. Instead I listen to Marcus explain some hyrdo dynamic do dah stuff which makes me thirsty. Fiona suggests a pit stop and Graham, Ross, Fiona and I head for the White Cross and some beer, peanuts and crisps. This passes for my evening meal and after a small number of beers I leave to walk home....My scooter knows the script.

July 2003

Tues 1st

Decide to have a float with Steve, Sue & Phil before the meeting at 8.00PM. I'm trying out some of Marcus's "Hydro Dynamic Lift" stuff but I'm about as successful as the dead dog that's been floating past the raft for the last couple of days. Transferring my weight onto the paddle sounds easy but the Jag doesn't like it & trys its best to transfer me into the river. In fact just past Eel Pie gravity has its way and I fall in.  Just when I thought no-one had seen me Sean cruises past with what looks suspiciously like half a paddle. I think we should have a whip round to buy him the other half. Can't have the Rear Admiral paddling round with duff equipment,  what would the neighbours think?

We let Sue fall in at the raft then go to the meeting. Its all very interesting and the guys have done a good job. Feels like a step forward but the consensus seems to be that the crunch will come if and when the work actually starts. Fingers crossed, lets hope everyone gets what they want and the club gets what it needs.

Go home to find my landlord preparing to drill holes in his new (2nd hand) K1 in order to fit some training wheels. He's a dragon boater so I suppose its OK but it brings tears to my eyes......

Weds 2nd

I'm feeling jaded and the prospect of some 500M efforts in the K4 fills me with trepidation. I know whats coming. I get down the club at 5.30 for some Tea and find the place a bit subdued despite the fact its 10K nite. The weather looks naff which could have something to do with it.

I get changed & start to feel a bit better as Graham & Nev are all ready there and we can get going. We fit spray decks as the tides up and its a bit windy and Trev announces we're gonna do a 1000M & 2 x 500M. Sounds OK, nothing too strenuous.....Nev n Trev are in their Club T shirts so there's some banter from the balcony about our chances. I think we'll be fine, I'm not saying we're going to be top three but top nine is a possibility.

So anyway, We do the 1000M from the car park down to Glovers and we're a bit sluggish but the timing seems good, which is a start. We join the 10K for a 150M much to the surprise of the participants then do the first 500M upstream. Its OK and might possibly be the fastest one yet. I'm feeling pretty good and the rest of the crew is too and we do a nifty 500M back towards Glovers.

We do some starts past the club round thru the bridge & turn back before the railway bridge. Someone makes bawdy comments about the houseboat residents one of whom gives us a wave. She's about 70 but we are a vets boat and we'll take whatever we get, tho only Trevor waves back. Nev reckons shes not his type, to flirty and Graham thinks he's seen her before somewhere. I wouldn't want to cramp Trev's style either so I shout his mobile number to her as we go past.

As we get back to the raft I realise that this is the last K4 training we'll do before lining up in the 10000M at Nottingham. Blimey. I'm hungry and as usual the food is fantastic as I manage seconds and a pudding before waddling off home.

Thurs 3rd

Its the last outing of the vets "Greased Lightening" K2 before Nottingham. Trev's displaying his war wounds from last nite tho dunno how he could've been bitten as we'd have been moving too fast for anything to have landed on us...Much ribaldry from the Balcony residents as we faff around at the raft but suspect there may've been some admiring glances as we ease away from the raft and shoot up river. Obviously.

We join Joe & Majid at Eel Pie for a few starts, 10 second jobbies, and then finish it off with a 2 minute piece tho I manage to blow it and it feels like I'm paddling thru porridge for the last 20 seconds. We leave them for a few steady efforts down river and then have a stormer down the runway for a laugh. Turns out to be better than expected so we do the same down past Glovers..now if they had a 50M race we'd be in with a chance. Trevor gasps thats we won't be able to keep that pace up over 500M. No kidding.....

Get back to the club and help Trev load some boats onto the car for Nottingham then whiz to get changed & out. Spend rest of evening in pleasant company but I can feel my mind drifting off towards my bed & sleeeee......Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(actually that looks like "sleaze" but is purely unintentional)

Saturday 5th

"R" day, race up to Nottingham with Phil (he's providing moral support) and we get there about 10.00. Sue's also decided to come but she's setting off from Walthamstow in her Fiesta so we don't expect to see her until the September Regatta. We arrive to find lots of people clutching race schedules and looking serious. Blimey.

The Richmond pitch is (as usual I'm informed) right next to the finish line and there's a surprisingly large cohort from the club (20+?). The other clubs have staked out there favourite piece of Tarmac too and everyone settles down to some serious racing. Sue arrives to add even more moral support and the excitement starts to build.

The K4 1000M isn't until 1:45 and I hear that there's no heats so we've had a result already coz we've made the final. I think they do that with vets coz they don't want any fatalities due to too much racing.

K1 200 & 1000M
Various heats come and go and Richmond seem to be in action in quite a few. We sweep the board in the Mens "D" K1 heats with Joe, Kelvin, Nick and Richard jockeying for the top places. Netty goes well in the 200 + 1000 as does Gavin who appears to be doing the Regatta in fancy dress and will no doubt get a prize for "Best Bandana in 200M" and "Best Pirate Costume". He could (and does!!) get a medal for coming first but that's incidental to the rewards for sartorial excellence. Dan and Majid also bust a gut in their divisions as do Sean and Jordan. The junior girls, all four of them, do fantastically well in what seems like every race on offer.

K4 1000M
1.00 We go for a long warm-up in the boat with Nev & Graham already "hot" from their respective 200 & 1000M races. I'm feeling quite relaxed as is Trev who chats to everyone up and down the course. We have to stop the boat every few seconds for a bit of a social but we eventually get to the start....which appears to be about 2 miles from the finish, something wrong surely? It appears not and after some banter with the other vets crews we line up.

10 seconds to start...GO!! we all do the duracell bunny thing and frankly that's where it started to go wrong. Too fast too soon and did I mention that Trev hadn't got his glasses on? This becomes obvious as we career down the course which becomes a tad bumpy as we mount the grass bank zip thru the trees and into the slalom course. Non more surprised than the Welsh slalom team who take evading action as Trev steers round a gate, thru a stopper, hangs a left and we're back on the course with the Worcester crew. They fight us off and I think we come 4th or 5th. Trev very upset with his driving and blames himself entirely for us missing out on the gold. We blame him as well and consider retiring just missing out when the ultimate prize in our sport had been within our grasp. I may have overstated that. We know we can do better and are determined to prove it tomorrow

Trevor runs down some juniors in their lightnings during the warmdown up the course and does the same going back. No damage done but I could see the headline in the Nottingham Hearald: "Mad K4 driver admits he didn't see cluster of 50 boats in front of him".

The Medals
Francis is doing a great job of keeping us supplied with Medals and the Div D boys are loafing around wearing them. Only .07 secs separated them in the final which was a splendid 1, 2, 3 & 5 for Richmond. Joe goes from despair to joy as the judges prove me wrong by announcing him the winner of the 1000M, I'll keep my mouth shut in future!! Anyway I feel very under medaled and just hope I can secure one tomorrow.....

K2 1000M Final
Its the race that Trev was hiding from me but I'm surprisingly relaxed as we line up for the race. Nev & Graham are with us (lane 2) and we in 9. Trev's got his glasses on so I think we're at least going to finish without troubling the Slalom boyz. We get a blinding start but the crew we'd agreed to "only race for the last 20 strokes" shoot off and we're hurting at 500M. Well I am. Trev's applying the power and shouting "up" every few strokes. I'm as far "up" as I can go and its all starting to go dark...just as I think its all over I look up and see the "250 Meter" board. Bugger. I dig VERY deep and give it another go. Before long I can here the roar of the Richmond team and we're past the post. I shout "clear" and restart Trevor's heart and we do a 2000M warmdown........The Stonehouses have won it by a mile and I think we came 5th which ain't bad at all.

BBQ Anne summers Sprint K7
Milos and Ivana give me lift back to campsite which is only a short way but Ivana tries to show Milos what she wants from the Anne Summers catalog and we nearly take out the GB K4 crew and their boats as he realises the full extent of what's on offer. He recovers enough to negotiate "tent city" but I have to have a lie down when we get there.

Someone mentions that red wine is particularly good as protection from heart disease so Richard and I get three bottles in a 2 for 3 bargin hunt. The South African contingent lower their standards and use the "Briar Boxes" to singe their bits of meat while the Brits lie down slumped over empty cans of Fosters and eat whatever's at hand. I have to climb a gate to get back into the complex which probably explains the hole in my jeans, the bump on my head and the rather dishevelled look I adopt the next morning.

Sunday 6th

Vets B K4 500M Final
Not at all hungover after sensibly turning down the last bottle of wine (after drinking the first two) I awake fresh and looking forward to the days racing. I give a very relieved Trevor his paddles back (oops, I accidentally stole them) and start preparing up for the Vets B K4 500M final. Nev & Graham arrive so we grab our boat with plenty of time to spare and do a warm up. It feels good and we exchange pleasantries with the other Vets, some geese and everyone else on the course. We eventually line and prepare to race. Its a great start but the boat outside us is keeping pace until 250M where Nev spots a red buoy and picks it up. He's 150M too soon but athletes that we are we pick it up as well and we're away from our rivals. The front two boats are a length ahead and we've no hope of catching them but we do make third and a medal!!!!!! Whoooooohoooooo....Fab race

The warm down is less eventful than yesterday and we get back without incident. I have a tea and settle down to watch everyone else do their thing. Its a bit like war: Long periods of boredom interspersed by brief periods of excitement and fear. Not to mention danger. Trevor retrieves out booty and we have a little medal ceremony of our own and I wonder how long it's been since Trev last won a medal here??

Vets B K2 500M Final
Me & Trev are lined up and ready for this in lane one and Graham & Nev are in 9. The starter's going with tradition and announces it will be a "GO!" and not the "beep" to start us. He mentions that the esteemed driver in lane one will remember this from his earlier racing days. Trev waves grandly and I wonder if there's anyone he doesn't know at Nottingham? I 'm still wondering when someone shouts "GO!!" and we manage a flying start. Trev says later that we lead for a bit but I think we paid dearly as we hit 250M I'm beginning to tie up. We still manage 5th but Graham and Nev storm in clear winners. Trev has to pause during the warmdown to get his breath back and I regain consciousness enough to help him paddle back to the pontoon.

That's me done for the rest of the day and I bag a deck chair to watch the remaining races. Richmond do a clean sweep again in Men's D 500M, Nev & Graham do the same in men's Vet B sharing the spoils. we'll need a truck to get the medals home. Nev is still hunting for medals and late enters the 5KM vets race. My money's on him winning coz he's hardly broken sweat during the championships and he needs a bit of a challenge. However its time I went home so I say my goodbyes and head off down the M1. Get home immediately fall asleep, fully clothed on my bed leaving my kit to fester in my bag.