Saturday 3rd

Happy New Year everyone......

Keen and eager to wind ourselves up for the Luzmore, Phil and I jump in a Regina and wander off up river......except my body doesn't seem to be responding...bit odd. Cogs and springs start to dissemble after a few (very) small efforts and it becomes clear that there's something very wrong. Bugger, I am exhausted and can't believe I've lost a years worth of fitness in two weeks and oddly enough I don't feel ill. We head back to the raft knowing that if I can't last 200M then 13 miles is not going to be on. We agree to abandon the idea of racing tomorrow......

Get home and fall asleep...for eight hours.

Sunday 4th

Body aches like hell, I've slept for 25 hours out of the last 48..... I wonder how we did in the Luzmore?

Tues 6th

Circuits...Trev's doing a poor impression of Trish so declares his intent to "put some lycra on". We dissuade him. There's enough blokes in Lycra poncing around the club as it is.

Trev starts the session (twenty of us?) and 45 minutes later I'm feeling a bit faint. Karl saunters round having arrived during the 2nd circuit (have words please Isabelle). Lots of excess Christmas Pudding on show not to mention mince pies and the odd tree. The festive season is truly over and we're all looking forward to the season ahead. Aren't we. We are. Really.

Karl & I have a wager which is to lose 4Kgs by April with the loser paying £10 for every kilo short of the target.

Weds 7th

Go out for a curry with Sue. Drink beer, write Karl a Cheque for 40 quid.

Thurs 8th

Go out drinking at White Swan with a girl whose not French. No really, its true, she's not. Neither am I but I like to exclaim in French as it sounds more dramatic. Mon Dieu! sounds better then My God!! Sacre Bleu sounds better than er.... "(Something) Blue"....I'll get my coat.....Taxi!!

Friday 9th

As part of (yet another) new training regime, at lunchtime I have vigorous game of singles badminton with chap who seems inexhaustible. Exhaustibility is all to easy for me and I spend the rest of the afternoon looking...tired. Someone calls an ambulance but I wave away the cardio resuss. team on the basis I'm always this colour and only need to breathe once an hour anyway.

Saturday 10th

10.00 am. Marcus is in "barking" (mad) mode and orders us out onto the chocolate coloured, swirly fast thing that is pumping past the raft.....thats the Thames. I wobble off first followed by Karl, Sue, Phil and Kim who's making a guest appearance. We gather inside Glovers to listen to Uberfuhrer Gohar announce the "Races 2 Places" session and blag on a bit about technique.

I'm too busy trying o stay upright to take it in but we eventually set off for the bottom of Eel Pie. Having seen my state of unease over the river Marcus relents and gives me a lead in all of the efforts which I capitalise on and win...one of them. Still its a bit of an outing and Phil makes it all worthwhile by throwing himself out of his boat. Freak wave apparently. Certainly a freak.

Back in the changing rooms I spot Karl taking off his heart rate monitor. Apparently it's an old version and requires two nurses and a small power station to operate it. We check the output generated over the session and discover that, technically speaking, he died twice. We buy him a cup of tea and fight over who's going to get his paddles after he's gone.

Sunday 11th

Watch Graham and Neville fiddling with their "Viper". They're fussing over it like mother hens, drilling holes making adjustments and all that. Which reminds me. seems Graham has "arse trouble". At least that's how Neville put it, seems a sore Coccyx is the problem, which is how Graham put it. The rest of the club got the Chinese whispers version which caused nervous laughter in the girls changing room and some ribald comments about "things" getting trapped under footrests. Graham warns me not to write about any of it. Nuff said. Mum's the word.

Pete Barnes announces a "half marathon" consisting of eight laps round the 10K course and Peter H. and I elect to take the Pacer out and see what we can do. What we did was wobble precariously round 1 lap, with Pete driving, then we......capsized. The freak wave that caught Phil yesterday was still hanging around and sneaked up on us as we were turning around Glovers. I don't suppose its news to anyone when I say the water was a tad chilly so we re-boated and wobbled back to the raft and into the showers. Brrrrrr...

Finally, attend White Cross for lunch with celebrity. Discover fame by association is exciting stuff and resolve to get famous myself. I did once appear on telly when Stafford Rangers played the mighty Stoke City in an FA Cup replay in 1974. I was behind the goal. It was a big moment for me though Rangers lost.

Tuesday 13th

Circuits. Trish is back and so are the crowds. 20 of us jog on the spot and flap arms around and some of us get a bit winded during the warm-up.

Karl arrives half way thru second circuit (again!) to stroll around and generally not sweat or owt. I'm not handing over my cheque yet.

Sacrifice loaf of bread, homous along with club cheese to circuit bashers Phil & Karl and nite paddler Nick. Phil thinks I shouldn't be eating the cheese as I haven't paid my subs yet so Karl eats mine. Keep lard cheque firmly in pocket.

Weds 14th

Supplementary fitness routine going overboard and I play (singles) badminton at lunchtime. Heroic stuff but body lacks moral fibre for such punishment and I'm fairly sure bits of it are going to fall off if I carry-on like this. Have peek at "Big Plan 2" when I get home and I'm on schedule but need to confirm first descent races with Graham...who's currently hurtling down some icy part of Austria on a tea tray. Lets hope he doesn't do anymore damage to his coccyx or trap anything under the runners....

Thursday 15th

Meet Phil at club for Gym session. Wade thru juniors and load lat pulldown machine with 40Kg....machine appears to be broken as I can't pull the weights more than a centimetre. Trev checks the machine and announces it in full working order. Bit odd. Juniors load machine with more weights and do it without any problem. Even odder.

Move onto: bench pull followed by single armed row, two eared lift, skipping, jogging, curling and all of that kind of stuff. Finally manage to persuade Joe to give up the bench press station which he's been hogging all nite but it takes two of us to remove excess weights from bar. Phil manages a respectful 48Kg and I come a close second with 45Kg. Good stuff. I limp off to the changing rooms.

Friday 16th

Wake up, attempt to flex muscles, pass out due to pain, late for work.

Saturday 17th

Take large dose of pain killers and make way to club. Forget shoes. Take decision not to go out in the Jag and nab a club Javelin for the session then faff around a bit waiting for stuff to start. Tim is the new Marcus and it seems he's been taking lessons from him coz he orders us onto the river in tones that suggests he'll brook no response. We call him names behind his back and sulk like the juniors do when Trevor's shouting at them.

The warm-up is to Eel Pie and its "Races to Places" with the rider that we're doing a full 45 minute session. So no slacking. Combatants are (in mixed alphabetical order): Me, Sean , Simon, Sue, Phil, Steve the Eagle, Zdenka and Tim. Sean has rightly handicapped himself by only having half a paddle.

I get a lead coz I'm wingeing the loudest but, as ever, have to shout above Sue who's claiming some dispensation under the Geneva Human rights act and has a letter from her mum. I fake SARS which settles the matter and we trundle off towards TYM. I get beaten into third (tho' we're not racing are we?) by Simon and Sue and manage to maintain that in the next effort to the lock. Everyone catches me on the third one to the bottom of Eel Pie and I'm feeling a bit miffed.

However, after the turnaround my fortunes change and I manage to "win" one back to the lock from TYM and then the final one all the way back to Eel Pie. We finish off with some 1 minute stuff back to the club.

After a brief flirtation with cold showers we attend performance art comedy workshop with Mark "e" Pearce who's putting the doors back on the new boat storage. Nev's providing the technical input (who else) while Tim's doing the drilling. Sue, Phil and I, ably assisted by Richard, provide the real comedy support by holding the doors up while people point and laugh.

Craig mentions I've been co-opted onto the committee and am now "Communications Secretary". My reply is inaudible, confusing and irrelevant.

Sunday 18

Miss Sunday session due to larking around in Kent with celebrity. Sue calls me to advise session with Kim was fab. I'm sure it was. Feel twinge of regret at not making session but 8am on a Sunday is a tad early for me......

Tuesday 20

Badminton: Efficacy associated with doing two energetic type things in one day? Dunno but get beat by same score as last week and acquire slight twinge in neck department.

Nothing more to be said about circuits. Trevor standing in for Trish again though thankfully he doesn't strip down to his vest and Lycra.. Think Trish is in Lanzarotte at Club La Santa where I (unofficially) hold the title for the "Long Course Canoe Competition". I don't expect her to beat it.

Suspiciously Trev takes little part in the ensuing session, there's 18 of us which means a slightly shorter circuit than last week. Again, suspicious. We do 30-15, 45-15 and 30-15 after which Trevor announces "That's it....for this circuit". Surely he means "That's it...go home" ?. Suspicions are confirmed, he makes us do a 30 "no rest" circuit during which he magnaminiously does a couple of bicep curls. Neck seems to have got a bit worse.

Wednesday 21

Wake up, unable to move neck. Rouse guest in living room at 6.30am to search for mobile phone (find it in Kitchen), run to station, buy coffee. Get on train, pour coffee over man wearing white pullover, which he quickly removes....to reveal white shirt, also stained with coffee. Sit in tense silence for rest of journey.

Get to work, Graham emails me about his return from tea tray racing in Austria. Finger cut to the bone after being trapped under luge whilst attempting "Olympic Run"....oops. Fortunately Coccyx in one piece, strapped in place, obviously.

Leave early to meet celebrity at pub. Eye contact impossible due to neck condition but otherwise successful date.

Thursday 22

Join Karl and Phil in battle with juniors in gym. Again have to remove excess weights from torture equipment before commencing lifts. We seem to be moving with more purpose than last week and achieve big gains on some of the equipment without serious injury. Karl does significant amount of work on gym ball which leaves it (and him) in a bit of a state.

Friday 23

Go out for "training" curry at the Moghul in Twickers with Penny, Tony, Phil, Karl & Sue. Have Green Chilli Chicken and pile chillis on side of plate, mistakenly believing that it won't therefore be hot. It was, drink lager to correct mistake.

Saturday 24

Brought out of post curry nite "fuzziness" by Marcus announcing he's "Here...and feeling mean". Bridget is in contrast feeling benevolent and provides endless fun by walking off the raft...with her boat....into the river. "I'm soooo embarrassed...I hope nobody saw it". Hardly anyone, but as usual, that's enough...

True to form Marcus makes it a 6 x 6 session with 2 minute rests. Sue, possibly suffering from post curry thing, takes a dip on the fourth effort. All four of Groovy Gang have now taken "emergency water temperature readings" in the last four weeks. We blame Marcus which, although harsh, is fair.

Later: Graham is waving his wounded finger around to admiring audience whilst we do the galley. Gary has done a splendid job buying provisions (well, Mrs Gary has) and Joe has done a great job buttering the bread. On both sides. Massive overcharging on "Psycho Rats" and out of date lucozade leave us (er...the club) with enormous £50 profit. Phil attempts to initiate late "Cheese Sale" but I accidentally eat it.

Rush home to get ready for black tie do. Reach stage 6 in the instructions for black tie before realising M+S have supplied joke instruction booklet. Revert to ready made one. Do is very good and I drink Champagne before being escorted from the premises.

Sunday 25

(congrats to Kiwi Paul - on upcoming wedding in NZ, hope it goes well mate.)

Arrive to find Graham vainly trying to get another mention in the blog by wearing comedy gym outfit. Unable to refrain from laughing hysterically. Graham looks affronted, adjusts his shorts and stalks off to the gym. Phil and I get on the river and trundle around, me in the Jag (as the waters flat and the sun's out) and Phil in an "Xcalibur" jag like thing that's as thin as a crisp packet. Phil reports that it certainly "locks the flavour in". My shoulders remain shrugged on that one.

Graham has, surprisingly, avoided injury in the gym and we chat about "Big Plan 2" preparations. Sella sounds like it should be the first real effort (in August I believe) and we shall be scouting round for like minded people to come with us (no laughing tho). The peripatetic South African contingent will no doubt be attending but thought we might have a few indigenous people having a go? If you're interested, see me, if not...carry on.

Melissa mentions that Symmonds Yat rapids on the Wye might be a good place to try out a bit of white'ish water. I make a note, Big Plan is in danger of coming to fruition, assumming, that is, that Graham remains in one peice. As Churchill once said: "...hrrrmmmph...we shall fight them on Hove promenade...ah...no that won't work..."

Make way to London for peek at Chinese New Year celebrations with Celebrity. Neck condition vastly improved so am able to look her in the eye....which is progress of sorts. "Thought you were looking a bit shifty the other day..." says she. Shifty!!! Huh.

Monday 26

Have just read Dusi results (brilliant turnout from Richmond, well done everyone) and James and Charlotte's account of how the weather in SA contrasts with that in the UK....Charlotte (about SA): "....you don't have to worry about falling in....", ....some of us do and some of us don't..... Me (about: UK). Sounds fun so think we ought to go for an even bigger contingent from Richmond next year :)