Friday 1st - Sunday 3rd

Nothing. I did nothing. More or less. I did go to Manchester which was basking in sunshine and less unbeilievably, tho somewhat bizzarely, there was a Catalunyan dance festival in the city centre. Rather thrown by the whole Spanish thing I may have slightlly underdone it in the "restricting alcohol intake" department. I came back via Birmingham...which was nice.

Monday 4th

Feeling hot, bothered and knackered I go for the "Float" option but it all suddenly turns into a bit of a session as Carl, Isabella, Phil and Sue appear along with Marcus whose keen to improve our technique....at all costs. The cost in my case is to do quite well on the short stuff but then to burn out rather quickly on anything over three minutes. I limp along feeling a bit weak whilst Carl & Sue fight it out at the front. That is until Carl decides the water looks too inviting and goes for a swim. We fish him out and return to the raft with Sue wearing her special "I beat you" look. Everyones quite pleased with the whole thing, including Phil who managed to stay in the "gobstopper" & I'm glad that nothing's fallen off.

We retire for tea and Carl & Sue fill me in on the w/e events. Seems to involve a considerable amount of work and not a little swimming. Sue claims she was rescued at Hamertons by Rupert who was playing red indians with someone then tells me off for only writing about her "sub aqua" exploits. If the cap fits.....

Weds 6th

Sooooo.....10K time again. Still not aboslutely sure that its necessary for me to trudge round in the name of "getting fit". There must be other ways....Still its warm (very), sunny and the tide is low so good omens and all that. I catch Fiona and Graham lounging on the balcony and and rage against their inability to secure gainful employment whilst generally loafing around the club without a care in the world. I sound like my dad and they just grin recognising envy when they see it....

Seems the time trial is actually going to be a race and I line up with the other "A" starters. I'm next to Karl who takes Macus's advice to "get a head start when you can" just a little to literally as he starts when Tim shouts "5 seconds to go". I'm to busy being indignant to actually start myself ("don't get angry...get even....") and I'm caught up with loads of dirty wash. Bother, I manage a good turn inside Nick at Glovers but frankly thats my last decent manouever for a couple of laps. As usual tho my "style" disintegrates towards the end and I adopt a "lean" to the right for the last lap.....

Fortunately near Twickers bridge Sam falls in and I retrieve his paddles from the river while he empties his boat. I nearly capsize and as well & my boat fills with water so I abdandon the race, with some relief, and plough back to the raft half submerged tho' Sam is made of sterner stuff and carries on.

Food is fab as usual with Tim doing skivi ' ing and time keeping duties. Karl, Fiona, Tim K and I slope off to the White Cross for some "Sport Rehydration Fluid" which is now being sold in pints. You have to ask for "Stella" but they know you mean the sporty stuff. It tastes quite nice and it certainly works....

Thurs 7th

Having only just survived the post 10K rehydration therapy session last nite I feel it necessary to adopt a more relaxed approach to the "session" thing tonite. I turn up planning no more than a lengthy "Balcony" wam-up with some tea and sunbathing thrown into the athletic mix. Dunno why I bother coz before I can say "Er....." I'm simultaneously in K1, K2 and K4 groups beffore the fog and confusion eventually clears and I opt for a K2 with Tim. I drive coz despite sunglasses I don't think I could face paddling behind someone wearing a bright pink top....

We've never paddled together before but have drunk in plenty of pubs so the K2 feels quite stable as we cruise upriver waiting for the girls K4 (Liz, Sue, Fiona and Sarah), Marcus/Elliete in their K2 and Sam slugging it out in a K1. They don't catch up til we're at the lock (as we decided to do some 2min bits) then everyone turns and waits expectantly for instructions. "Split 1000M", says Marcus.....I know what a split infinitive is but I've never heard of this before. Bound to be some kind of interval type torture and sure enough its 40 seconds on, 20 off, times 4 times 6.....I'm thinking that sounds alot when Marcus shouts "Go!" and we take off like a startled hare. We manage to remain startled for the full 40secs and leave everyone behind in our substantial wake. Easy...tho 20 seconds off is not nearly long enough but we triumph in all of the first set and to my surprise we do the same in the second and third sets.

I've actually lost count for the fourth set and whack it up to 100% thinking this is the final effort but both of us are suffering from stitches so we're well beaten by everyone. However its not over coz I can't quite believe what I'm hearing as Marcus says "Turn it round". Tim, despite this being his fourth session today, thinks its a splendid idea whereas I mutiny and make for the raft. We're still rather pleased with the whole thing and have a cup of tea to celebrate while Phoenix loses various tennis balls in the river...The K4 eventually returns tho' Sue clearly hasn't had enough and heads out again in a K2 with Maji, she seems to be taking this very seriously..

Sue returns a bit later, still looking serious, but has to leave to catch her train so its just Fiona & I at Rusticanna for a three course meal designed to replace the calories lost in the session.....OK, maybe just a few more than strictly necesary. Alot more. Loads. I had ice cream. And beer. Damn, the Jag's already groaning under excess calories from last w/e its going to look like a submerisble soon. I waddle back to the club past various couples who, no doubt exhausted by the heat, appear to be lying down in the undergrowth adjoining the towpath. Bizarre.

Friday 8th

The heat is killing me and I'm down at the club looking for people to capsize with. Graham and Fiona look like suitable candidates and agree to give it a go. In fact we do a rather too strenuous warm-up (why?) and gather at the top of Eel pie, sun still beating down. Karl has also joined us and seems interested in the session. So we do the racing "Stands" which are useful, apparently, at portages but in fact result in considerable falling in with lots grinning, shouting and bruises during which Fiona manges to lose her seat.

Next up is the 500M (or thereabouts)...backwards. We do a race start, "Move you boat forwards..er...backwards..whatever..GO!!". Karl capsizes immediately but I'm winning from Graham whilst Fiona is tangling with the beach. I narrowly avoid hitting Eel Pie island and win handsomely. The others think I cheated which is harsh but fair so I suggest a 500M left handed paddle to give them another chance . I've bin practising this and shoot into the lead tho Graham is going round in circles and Fiona is nudging the bank. Karl thinks its a 500M left hand "lean" and so doesn't realise he's been disqualified. In fact he thinks he's winning but the final result is Graham, surprisingly, pipping me at the post with Fiona third and Karl left disputing the rules.

Some more races from the car park; Graham capsizes on the "legs out 250" but we generously allow him to get back in. Karl wins this one then heads back to the club as he "has to meet someone". I think we know who that is, non? Getting slightly more serious we do sprint starts...with our eyes shut. This does result in a near death experience for Graham as I nearly slice his boat in two but I call that a win in my book.....

The pub seems an appropriate place to celebrate my triumphs and after a number of pints of reassuringly expensive (but ludicrously intoxicating) Stella it all seems rather fun. Graham seems to be less coherent than normal but my ears could've been drunk and we only call it a day when the pub shuts. Fiona & Graham depart (stagger) off to the station and I weave my way home...

Saturday 9th

Graham looks white as a sheet and I feel dreadful but Fiona trips in with that "I was only drinking halves" look on her face. Damn. Marcus shouts "To the river men!!". We stand around a bit until we realise he means us and drag our boats out with somewhat false bonhomie. As you do.

Blimey, there's hundreds of paddlers out there, 50? 60? Alex's group has picked up the "seniors" and must be 15+ strong, we're about the same and Peters group is a veritable flotilla of twirling blades (careful, that was nearly poetic). We're doing some sort of interval thing but frankly its of no concern to me. My hangover is much more of interest but I'm suddenly distracted as we play "Chicken" with Alex's group above Eel pie. Its like Gunfight at the OK coral as both coaches shout "GO!" with the groups facing each other barely 50M apart. Jeez, mum and all that. Collisions are avodied but the same thing happens near the lock & I eventually tangle with a moored boat and capsize. The swim improves my hangover and Fiona's rescues my paddles but by the time I'm back in the boat the group is long gone. After much debate; "shall we try to catchthem, No? right...", we decide to abandon the session and wash hang a gin palace back to the club.

Potential drinking partners have thankfully gone home and after some lunch & foot dangling with Sue I make my way back to the club thinking I miight have a Saturday nite off. One BBQ invite later and I find myself on the balcony with a (small) beer in hand listening to Ross. He's musing over the "problem with beautiful Swedish Women" and although I have vast experience in this area I wisely keep my mouth shut. Ross goes on, lamenting the fact that all the best ones are married but aren't always wearing their wedding rings...I nod sagely but Ross is inconsolable (she was a good paddler too). Peter drops in to regale us with his stories of Caterham Sevens and wobbly mud flaps but I'm begining to fade badly and I make my way home to get some kip.

Sunday 10th

Scorchio!! Its 10am and Alex is coaching Sue & Sarah, pet project if ever I saw one, which leaves me at a loose end...ish. Karl appears and we get on the water (with Paul in his jag) tho with nothing planned. Karl complains of instabilty problems and after the customary insult regarding mental faculties I suggest we do some "Stability stuff". So we do the Five n Glide, leaning on 1 side, closed eyes, standing up etc (Karl, rather pleasingly, can't lever himself out of the boat) but the session seems valuable? Karl has to leave coz he has to "meet someone", mon dieu....again! I Pick up the Merrie Thames below Eel Pie but its wash is crowded with Richmond paddlers, does nobody paddle without a wash nowdays?..seems not so I join Nick and Joe for a tow up to the lock. However I'm on the "unfavourable" 2nd wave and I peel off at TYM and head back to the club.

I meet Paul C and Sue in K1s and join them for a spin. Sue may have fallen out...she may not. I cannot confirm or deny this. We lunch at the White Cross, which is stangely empty, Sun is beating down so we do more foot dangling (in the Thames, this is not a metaphor) and think about going home. We wander back to the club to retrieve stuff but decide to do so more foot dangling from the raft which is smokingly hot so I head for the shade whilst Sue watches Rupert wax his boat. He seems to be dwardling somewhat but that could've been the heat...or the array of supermodels which seem to pass the club every Sunday.

Karl rings at 8pm, seems a moonlight paddle is on. Its 9.30pm and the water is inky black but the heat is still oppressive. After some faffing Andrea, Karl, me, Tim, Craig, Glenn, Dave & Kate get on the water which by now is lit by a full moon. Its a social paddle but we still manage to "race" up Eel Pie, is there no end to this competitive nonsense? Seems not coz I race Tim & Kate down to the White Swan where we have a a pleasant pint then cruise (OK, race) back to the club. Craig attempts to capsize Tim n Kate at the raft but they do a splendid "emergency" portage round the back of it and avoid a dip. Officially knackered I go and get some sleep..

Monday 11th

Bother. Have to work late (this is almost unheard of) and I arrive to late for anything so I collect my scooter and go home.

Tuesday 12th

Now let me see....its swelteringly hot, I'm dehydrated, tired and a tiny bit fractious so what would be an antidote?? Split 1000M, lets have four shall we?, followed by split 500M...what the hell we'll have four of them as well...GO!!!!!!, GO!!!!!!, GO!!!!!!!!!!

Feck. I'm reduced to a blithering wreck as is Tim K. at whose suggestion we're doing this. Trish is taking the session and looks remarkably composed but I'm suffering from a stitch by the last split and the lights have started to go out. However, to our credit, we finish the lot and are still breathing at the end. Tim declares himself somewhat "tired" and heads off for a lie down in a dark room but I don't feel to bad. The whole thing really was an antidote but it was nearly "kill" rather than "cure".

I chat with Trev outside the boathouse and he tells me a French foreign exchange student has cycled into one of the Plastex K2's and made a bit ihole in it, it doesn't look repairable. Chuffed he is not. I then have a rather ill advised "hot" shower followed by a "hot" cup of tea and have to stand on the balcony evaporating for a good 10 minutes before I'm dry enough listen to Sue chat about her session.

It sounds like her & Sarah had a good work-out in the K2 and the whole ensemble looks good for Nottingham. Which reminds me....Must arrange to get Trev in a K2 for some practice and then there's the Vets K4 lark to think about. There's only three weeks left and I'm on hols for one of them. Not much time to hone (find) our performance so Tim J. and I retire to the pub for swift half and a discussion, coincidently, on "rehydration training".

Weds 13th and Thursday 14th

I have had two days off so will people STOP ringing me to find out why I've not been "training" (as if). I don't have to attend everyday y'know. I'm a vet which means...er....dunno but it should mean er.....oh alright......I'll do Friday then. Bluidie hell.

Friday 15th

I'm really only up for a float so I sneak around the boathouse avoiding anyone that looks too keen. Karl, who doesn't look keen, suggests we amble up to the lock & back which sounds right up my street (river). We meet Isabella and Valerie (from Paris, no less) and dawdle up past Hamertons. We actually do some stuff up to the lock but, if the truth be known, its a desultory effort. Coming back is a bit more fun and we apply ourselves down past Eel pie and then do some starts down past Glovers. Not a bad end to the week....(or start to the weekend?)

We go back to Isabella's for some nosh and I get to try out my ever expanding French vocab on Valerie. Her accents great and we're getting on like a "Maison a Feu". I introduce her to important English words like "Stella, London Pride, Jack Daniels and Cheese & Onion crisps" but the she picks up a metal object which has prongs, from the table and asks me what's its called.....I dunno, so I ask Karl who says "Fork....", I knew that. All good fun but sadly she's off to Southampton for a week for some more English tuition. I hope they leave her accent alone.....

Saturday 16th

Its a bit quieter than normal but the place seems to have a purposeful enough air about it and I'm almost looking forward to the session. Marcus invites me to get changed and after a short dither at the raft we're all lined up at Glovers doing drawstrokes (see Karl, that drawstroke race really was useful...). The last stragglers arrive and we do a warm-up to Eel Pie then 1 minute stuff up to the lock with a couple of 2 minute things chucked in to keep us amused. On the way back we do a 500M race down Eel pie which I fluff badly and end up bouncing around on everyone's wash to finish someway down the pack. No change there then?

Hamertons...for some reason I like it round there and do my best effort with a short sprint to Glovers. Then Marcus sets us off in groups of three for a 250M and we get to give a critique of the previous group's efforts. "Well, I don't think that top suits her..", "...mmm needs a haircut" and my favourite: " boat could do with a T-cut". I can't hear what was said about me but I expect it was all complimentary.

Oddly enough I don't feel like I've done much work so Sarah (driving) & I do a K2 session to the lock & back with some 500's interspersed with a Merrie Thames wash hang. I figured if Trev and & I could do it.....We make the second wave after a bit of squealing (that could've been me) and then peel off at the top of Eel Pie with the MT going left and us doing a quick 500M down the right. We pick-up the MT at the bottom and cruise home. Good fun.

After a lie down in a dark room I actually pay money to see Bjorn Again at Marble Hill Park. Karl & Isabella remain outside the fence but I'm not sure they get the full effect of the costumes. Neither does Martin whose forgotten his glasses. Zoe & Sue are in full Abba mode tho and make us Conga and shimmy our way thru the entire set. I sustain "Abba Tribute Band" knee injury and limp home.

Sunday 17th

Its a K4 Sunday, a scratch crew consisting of Tim, Kumla, Zdenka and me line up against the Women's "C" boat who are crewed up for Nottingham (Liz, Sue B, Sue S and Sarah. Trev's out in the Launch with his megaphone tho frankly I'm not sure he needs it. Kim, whose volunteered to ride with him dons industrial strength ear plugs.

We head down to the half lock for a change and then do minute pieces from the turn. We're holding our own at this stage and I'm thinking that maybe we're got their measure. That's the last time we do. The girls are looking good and although their stroke rate is slower than ours it must be stronger coz they're beating us by a boat's length and more on the 500's and they're a tiny spot in the distance on the 1000's. Surprisingly their starts are weaker than ours and I think we'll call it a draw tho they might not.....Ollie and Sam keep us company in a K2 and do pretty well on most of the efforts with Trev waking up those river residents unlucky enough to have chosen Sunday morning for a lie-in. We do a special "last one to the clubs a sissy" 1200M with us narrowly avoiding the wooden spoon that honour going to Mark & Craig in their K2 (but only just).

After a Sunday lunch with Paul, Sarah & Sue I go home for a lie down then later meet Fiona, Isabella, Karl, Zdenka and Craig for a couple of beers before we go to Marble Hill and the "Frank Sinatra" concert. We Meet Pancho & Elesa (I bet thats spelt wrong) on the way and take the Ferry across to the park. Its all very civilised with a picnic & candles with "Frank" sounding good and then the fireworks to top it off...Splendid. We take the ferry back and wander home.

Mon 18th

I lean against the door to the balcony and watch some wet stuff fall from the sky wondering idly what it might be.....it'll come to me in a second.....blimey....RAIN! Marcus seems oblivious to the downpour and pokes me in the arm suggesting I might like to get changed. I look around in panic, it could just be me & Marcus out there and I consider running away. Fortunately he ropes in Graham & Nev and Elliettes going in he K2 with him. Phew.

Marcus lines us up at Glovers and tells us what the session's going to be. I misunderstand him and think we're doing 6 x 1 x 5 with 1 minute rests and not the 6 x 5 plus some complex algebra thrown in for good measure that he actually means. I shoot off on a 1 min sprint and, naturally, win it coz everyone else is doing a five minute jobbie. Everyone whizzes by and I begin to think I should've run away when I had the chance.

After what seems like a random number of intervals of varying length and intensity with an equally confusing number of "rests" I arrive back at the raft in a somewhat aerobically, lactically and physiologically deranged state. I'm emotionally fragile as well but Marcus thinks I shouldn't be knackered and that its good for me. I wipe away the tears and order my body not to be tired, it slumps over the boat in reply..

Nev, who never seems to get knackered whatever the session, starts chatting to me in the changing room about deconstructing (and reconstructing) his technique. I'm listening with interest but can't help noticing how pink he is. I wonder, aloud, how much sunbathing he's been doing recently. Fire, says he. Standing very close to a bonfire does the job, apparently. Odd way to get a tan but the Stonehouses are renowned for doing things the hard way and I admire his "Extreme Tanning" approach.

Sue, whose attachment to the "Sprint Capsize" event is also admirable, excitedly tells me of her new exit strategy which consists of throwing herself out of the K2 leaving her partner still in it. Must take alot of practice says I, no, managed it first time says she....Further investigation reveals that shes been taking lessons from Trevor...I'll make sure I concentrate at Notts coz Trev might be finishing the race on his own.

Tues 19th

Arrive at the club at 6'ish to see the usual suspects lining the balcony. They're watching the manoeuvrings of the Junior group as Trev, Rox & Tim coordinate excitable 8 yr olds up and down the river. Roly takes out a group of slightly less excited adults; Graham Nev & Melissa but I'm still feeling the effects of last nites Marcus session and hide behind Glovers until they've gone. Phil & Karl join me and we attempt to set off but Phil's got severe steering problems and we have to return to the club to retrieve a double and then paddle back with Phil having one foot in his boat & one foot in the K2. Phil retires to the gym whilst Karl and I do a short effort to Eel pie and back. The only way I can keep up with him is by wash hanging the whole way but I actually manage to do it without tipping either of us in. Splendid stuff.

Take tea on the balcony and think about going home for nosh however Graham mentions that he might be up for a pint so we drag Zdenka and Craig into the arrangement and head off to the White Cross. Graham's on the "reassuringly expensive" stuff but I've elected to go "Young's weakest" in the (vain) hope that I'll not get too lashed. It being a school nite and all that. However after an interesting discussion on kites the conversation quickly deteriorates into a drink fuelled insult competition with Zdenka inadvertently landing the most damaging ones. Its gone closing time before its over and we drag our wounded egos off home. At least I think that's what happened.

Weds 20th

Oh god. 10K day comes round again and I'm floating around wondering, for about the trillionth time this year, exactly what I'm doing out here. Still its pleasant enough to begin with and the first lap is good as I attempt to catch Charmien. The second lap starts with me about 10 foot behind but then the tide starts to make its presence felt and I'm in the bumpy, choppy, yukky stuff that I love so much. I lose about 50M on Charmie v quickly and although I catch her up a bit towards Glovers I don't think I'll be able to overtake. I even mange a nifty turn round the top of the Island but then it all starts to go Pete Tong as the wires in my rudder wheel come loose. The boats not "answering the helm" and I spend the next 10 minutes zig zagging in the general direction of the raft. Race over.

Not much sympathy from the timekeepers but I did get to use the showers first and, from the balcony, watch everyone else trudge in. Seems like its a good turnout and the foods fab (as usual). I'm just contemplating seconds when theres a move to go down the White Cross.......Its starting to become my local and, worryingly, the bar staff have begun to chalk our 10K times up on a blackboard outside.

I'm determined to remain in control of my faculties and go for the weak stuff along with Graham whose on the reassuringly expensive shandy option. Tim K, Zdenka, Fiona, Sue, Richard plus returning holidayers Carston & Claudia also join us. Much gossip caught up on and "technique" tips exchanged before everyone departs for home. Including me. By scooter, no less.

Thursday 21st

Meet Phil at the club for an outing in the Jags but quickly get roped into a K4....there's actually three boats; the Women's "C" boat with Liz, Sue, Kim & Sarah, the junior girls boat with Ollie not looking very girlish or junior at 4 and then our boat with Trev driving, Rox at two, "Whirlwind" Sam at three and me propping up the bar located just behind the seat at 4.

The boat feels great tho Sam seems to be making up for our (perceived) lack of muscle by paddling twice as fast as the rest of us.......We're beating both the other boats hands down, all over the river, but we're best at the sprints where Sam's "Paddle Frenzy" philosophy really works. Rarely have my paddles moved so fast tho' our timing is, well, a bit out. I keep shouting to Sam to watch Trev or Rox and take his cue from them. He nods and grins so he must understand what I'm saying......If he does he's not admitting it and the back of the boat continues to paddle at twice the rate of the front. However we're still beating the rest of them so what the hell!!!! Flipping heck, if the rest of the boat got its timing right we'd be dangerous, might have to fit Trev with mirrors so he can keep up with Sam.

The session is over all to quickly....no, really, I would've liked to have stayed out for another half hour, I wasn't; shattered, exhausted, wasted, knackered, expletive'd or anything else (I may have been slightly out of breath). Sam does look a bit tired though that's only because he was doing twice as much paddling as anyone else......

De-boat quickly as someone else is cooking my tea and I'm late. After a three course "tea" with wine and beer I make my way home congratulating myself on having the foresight to have already packed my bags for Algarve hols. Arrive home to find someone's unpacked my bags, hidden my passport and changed my Euros back into pounds...damn.

Friday 20 - Sunday 30th

On Hols in the Algarve with family. Make niece do interval training with me in the pool as trying to increase fitness for Nottingham.....niece gets considerably fitter whereas I get considerably tired and have to take siestas between sessions. Attempt to apply "incomplete recovery" technique down at local tavern where brother in law excels himself at the "Slammer Sprint" and I have to be carried home after demonstrating "pyramids".

Teenagers in the party show great tolerance and understanding but draw the line at such tomfoolery and threaten to withdraw our allowance....Attempt to cuff nephew round the ear for being cheeky but he seems to have grown somewhat since I last saw him and chucks me, fully clothed, into the pool. I manage to clamber out and drip indignantly but get my own back by sulking for the rest of the week.

Think I've also succeeded in attempt to gain weight in order to balance out the vets K2 but will have ask Trev for final assessment...He may have been working on the same basis during his hols so the boat could still be be a bit front heavy. Not sure if you get points for being the heaviest crew boat....