Sat 5th

Trevor announces K4 training will commence the following Thursday. Puff chest out with pride for being chosen elite. Trevor announces over 35 selection barrier as the only reason rest of club hasn't made the team. I Feign surprise at meeting selection criteria

Thurs 7th

First training session. Scratch K4 crew appointed, Trevor "Scoop" Whetherall, Neil "Scoot" Thomas, Graham  "Tippy" Stonehouse and finally Nev "The Knife". Graham & I are K4 virgins and eye the boat nervously. It eyes us nervously back......

However, training starts well - we all manage to get in the boat without sinking it or generally embarrassing ourselves. All talk of winches, rescue boats, zimmers etc forgotten as we get into our stride and whizz, wobble and wing our way up river.

We meet (run down) Ross around Glovers, he complains about lack of wash and suggests we put on weight (We will). Trev gives hand signal and we undertake first turn around Glovers...Easy! So easy we do it again...

We go thru various routines, Graham's Tina Turner  impression gets the vote tho Trevor's three tenors "Nessun Dorma" drew admiring glances from the towpath. We also try Zen like "paddling with eyes shut" and the old "one of you stop paddling" routine. Graham had been doing that from the start and Nev had been reading "Footrest Monthly" since Hamertons so it was only me and Trev putting any effort in.

Lots of "building", "power on", "Lights out" instructions from the front and we reach the lock in no time at all.  Tight turn round back of boats executed then we steam back down to Eel Pie. Trev announces the "difficult" bit and we launch into series of sprint starts with Trevor bellowing instructions like he's been doing it for most of his life. Volume important as ears full of water due to Trev's "bucket" technique. Eyes, nose and mouth full of flying insects as well, but no strangers to discomfort Nev & Graham start putting in the power and we do finally manage to get the thing moving (third attempt)

Then its over...We do one more turn in front of club and arrive at the raft looking as fresh and fit as we had left it. Not content with that we jump into K1s and do a spin up round Eel pie. So knackered I forget to fall in and  eventually hop on scooter and head home.

Sunday 11th

Not strictly a training session, its actually the DW dinner & Jaaaaaaaazz evening (splendid by the way, thanks Rox) but gives us a chance to talk over the session and chat about future training techniques.

Trev announces hes on a diet (I think we know which one) but then Graham announces hes a bit lite and needs to put weight on. Honestly its like being in a boat full of girls. Fiona trys to wangle her way into the boat (K5?) on the basis that she IS a girl but Nev thinks that'll disrupt team cohesion and we reluctantly vote him out of the boat. He promises to give Fiona his back copies of Under stern Rudders Weekly as she will now be the technical person in the boat. One of the team gets drunk and spends £30 on a taxi home.

Thurs 15th

Am feeling a bit fatigued after gruelling  circuits with Trish "training for results" Davey on Tuesday and the 10K on Weds (quiet in the cheap seats!!)  and am hoping for K4 "float" session. Unfortunately Trev looks in hardcore nutter mode .....We have enough volunteers plus some press ganged passers-by to crew three boats. I get the "easy" spot behind Trevor but Graham & Nev, the "Rhythm Section" from last week decamp to Roly's boat, which is first in the water with Fiona at number two.

We're next and myself, Andy and Craig step gingerly into the boat. Trev does running jump into it and the boat sighs wearily as he sits down. We storm off with Trev choking and spitting out flies shortly after declaring the river free of the damn things. Boat 3 crew (James, Barney, Rox and Paul) get on the river and we all meet up round Glovers for a chinwag and a fag. Trev shouts to Paul that he should paddle no matter how unstable it feels. Paul looks unconvinced but has a splash anyway and we're all off.

Lots of chat going up river and we narrowly avoid ramming Boat 3 driven by the freshly L plated James. We do a few efforts with some "technique" work which (in our boat) consists of me being unable to count to five and us gliding for an indeterminate amount of time before gravity takes over and we do some more paddling. We all turn at the lock (some more elegantly than others) and line up for the next bit of work which is a bit like "Y.M.C.A" but without the music and frankly using other letters in the alphabet. We arrange paddles above our heads, on our noses and surprisingly manage to maintain a strategic lead over the other boats

Trevor’s very polite to a double scull then we prepare to "race" down eel pie. Go!! Roly’s boat putts up stiff competition whilst Trev does his Duracell Bunny impressions. I fail to notice Trevs change of pace and the boat attempts to "Mexican wave" as we approach the finish. We sportingly give the race to Roly's boat even though we were clear winners.

I secure spray deck, goggles and galoshes as Trev announces "sprint starts". Mark P + Phil join us in their K2 and we pick up Ross and Conner. We beat all comers with Trev cleverly emptying the river in front of us into the boat, we gargle our appreciation. Celebrations are modest and there is little outward display of triumph and we head for the raft for a de-boat (hoarse from shouting and whooping).

Back in the locker room, I've managed to forget my soap and Graham offers me his Timtoei. I decline on the grounds that I won't be able to humiliate him by telling everyone he uses it  if I use the stuff myself. He pleads with me not to tell anyone. I promise I won't.

We declare ourselves ready for the regattas tho Trevor states goal for K4 squad is "To finish the course the right way up". After 10 cups of tea I go home without spending any money on a taxi.

Sat 17

Trevor, looking for K4 wannabees from the balcony, waves a sheaf of Regatta application forms at the usual suspects and manages to pick up some other recruits. Sue not entirely convinced that Phil in drag could make the lady's crew but puts her name down anyway. Trev has a couple of refusals but looks well pleased with his recruitment drive. Again, manage to get home without lining the pockets of local taxi drivers.

Thurs 22

Much to Trevs relief I was not able to make the session. Asked Sue to give him the rather inappropriate "The dog ate my homework" excuse on my behalf. She told him I was skiving. Not true...I was working and I have the bedsores to prove it. I have also photocopied my BCU membership card as requested. The dog may have ate that as well. Graham claims he had a rib injury. I'm not saying he didn't but he'll need a doctor’s note next time...

Anyway, a moderate turnout, seven in all which meant Nev teamed up with Roly (driving) and an unknown Irishman wearing a "Greenland Expedition" cag. A tough cookie but frankly he'll need to be if he's to compete at our level. He'll need a good sense of irony too. So, if my maths is correct that meant a three-man boat?

Trevs boat packed out with talent with Tim "mind my Jag" Killip in the rear gunners seat, Sue "Boyz" Back at three and Fiona fiddling at two. A good session by all accounts with Trev maintaining his hammer down, whirlybird approach to the whole thing and everyone else having a good chat with some splashing thrown in.

In an effort to maintain accuracy Nev has asked me to point out that he subscribes to "Over stern Weekly" (not Under stern as stated earlier in this blog) and Graham insists that he doesn't use Timotei. He does and I won't mention it again.

Looking forward to a week packed with rigorous training sessions all with a K4 flavour. So circuits on Tuesday will include a "Morris Dancing" station, 60 secs on 10 secs off, in groups of four obviously, and the 10K time trial on Weds becomes 4K (do keep up). Finally, I'll be running a session on Thursday morning for those of you that care to join me at 4am.

Balcony gossip, er...I mean training news, Ollie & Pip visiting from the North say its wet & cold up there...Really? Carstons birthday bash went well (seen the pics, £5 for negs, see Peter Barnes) and congrats to Sean and Richard on their selection for the Irish WW team. Sean last heard giving Richard Irish lessons... no, no its "Yer man over dere" not "That Chap over thar". Winners whatever the accent I should think?

Saturday 24th

Peter short of experienced paddlers for the beginners session so I offer my services. He frowns then says he might let one of the new arrivals take me out in a double discovery later.

He relents and finally allocates "Owen" to my boat who sobs when he sees who’s going to drive but his dad says they wouldn't let anyone dangerous take him out would they? I get in the boat and zip off up river...returning to pick up Owen who, unsportingly, did not get into the boat at the first attempt.

Eventually get going and after a bit we re-group around Glovers but sense Owen getting bored and we "race" anyone that is in front of us. Ask him if he's ever been this fast in a boat before and he says "No" but his sister could walk faster and she’s only three.

Later, brother Will replaces him in the boat and he says its unstable. You ain't seen nothing yet says I and we whoop and shout as we overtake two old ladies in a rowing boat. We shoot round Eel Pie and lose the group so I adopt some training techniques from the K4 sessions and drench him with water. He's got his eyes shut and his paddles hoisted over his head at this point so he’s a tad surprised but I tell him its all part of the "training". Not like Tuesdays he says.

Sunday 25th

10 am, Meet Sue + Steve for a spin up river. Have a pre-spin mug of tea on the balcony & Spot a social K4 outing of Mark, Liz, Pip and Ollie, they manage to look very cool & in time leaving the raft and I make mental note to ask Trev to let us do the same on Thursday.

Sue elects to take a Javelin out, and quickly fulfils our hopes and falls in at Hamertons. I'm in my Jag and I haven’t learnt to stop gracefully so Steve has to do the rescue thing. Sue does Tarzan (possibly Jane) impression up a mooring rope to round of applause from onlookers whilst small boy holds her boat.

We eventually get to the lock and meet Graham returning from Kingston (shopping I think). I hear aloud crack from his boat as he gets in but I haven't got the hang of looking round yet and so couldn't see if it was terminal. He overtakes us at Eel Pie listing slightly but not sure if that was boat damage. In fact I could've been listing, its hard to tell...

For reasons unknown agree to 11 am start the following day.

Monday 26th

Meet Sue at appointed time. Steve nowhere to be seen so I take a pointy boat round to Glovers for Sue to try out. Hang around for entertainment but Sue wise to that game and refuses to fall out. I return to club to get the Jag...

Dunkerque re-enactment seems to be taking place and the river looks busy. The tide decides to make an appearance as well but I reckon its no big deal and set off towards Richmond Bridge aiming to turn up river ASAP. The Jag hasn't read the script and refuses to do anything other than stall, swerve and generally misbehave. I dodge a couple of gin palaces and take a breather at the slipway next to the bridge. I then entertain the bank holiday crowds by reversing into the stream, which by now has taken on the look of the South Atlantic. Shant bore you with the rest of the session but eventually returned to the raft with nerves shot to pieces and the G, S& H missing from my GSOH.

Retire to the "Slug" where Sue buys me a pint and my humour returns. Unfortunately my G + S remain firmly up river and we return to the club for some more drinking. Its not tea. Sue gets her paddles buffed by Nick and Penny & Tony appear to tell us all about their inflatable Kayak (three fins apparently). Briefly chat to Heinrich who turns out to be the"Irishman" in Roly's K4 last Thursday. An easy mistake to make Nev, no need to be embarrassed.

Tony suggests we take advantage of the two for one cocktail offer up the road and we leave Sue discussing muscle groups or something with Majid. The whole thing gets a bit hazy at this point but I do remember starting off with a ”Sunstroke" followed by a "Brazilian Bishop". I narrowly avoid having to take a taxi home and stagger off to the station. My scooter spends yet another night chained up outside the club…

Tuesday 27th

Circuits..Ooo, eee, aaaah, gnnhh etc. Trish 4^th in Hungary regatta 1000M (well done) so our tips must be working. We taught her all she knows (about tea drinking) so I think we need some recognition. The quality of the Tuesday night gym sessions have clearly raised her performance that little bit extra!

Wednesday 28

Circuits have left me dead and I take the Jag out for a spin rather than do the 10K. Much derision from paddling partners but I’m saving myself….

Thursday 29

We manage to rustle up two crews tonight and Trev announces the red boat needs a driver and I'm almost sick as he orders me into the No1 seat. Still, can't be that difficult can it? The seven other attendees crowd round Trevs boat as straws are drawn. Sue, Tim and Craig get the short ones they're with me and Trev gets Andy, Claudia and Nev.

As we move off Craig announces his paddles aren't feathered so we have a go at capsizing while he sorts himself out. When we do get going the boat lurches and staggers like a drunk and everyone is shouting (crying) at once. I shout QUIET! But it doesn't seem to have any effect and for 5 mins there’s four drivers in the boat.

I take out a couple of rowing boats, two ducks and a barge which shuts everyone up (including me) and we catch up with Blue boat around Glovers. The first effort isn't bad and I feel the boat begin to get a rhythm of sorts. I try to maintain a reasonable rate whilst engaging in light banter with Sue. She advises me to get out of equities and into bonds but Tim thinks the DAX is worth a punt. Craig disagrees and suggests stuffing whatever I've got under the mattress. I avoid Trevs boat by a whisker. He seems very relaxed about it but we get all tense again.

I abandon small talk and take the authoritarian approach ordering everyone to get their act together or they won't be paddling with me next week. They all feign incompetence and start splashing around...they are so WEAK. Trev trying to psyche us out by pointing out trees round rudders and non-existent dead dogs. Red boat v cool and refuse to rise to the bait...

We saunter up round Eel Pie doing some of that gliding stuff. Tim's doing the counting but not sure what number system he's using and lots of shouting ensues as we try to figure out what 5 is in binary. Trev claims a win on the "5 & 2s" but we cleverly leave our best stuff for the effort up to the lock and we shoot past them to the winning post (sort of). We do our first turn and manage to avoid Blue boat as they cock-up there’s. Suggest to Trev that he watches the professionals in future. I think he said he would.

We do 30 secs on 30 off and Sue counts our stroke rate at 96 strokes per min. Frankly that has me knackered within short order and I'm only just hanging on to the paddles as we do the last interval. Blue boat beats us on 5 out of 6 but we weren’t far off and Trev always sneaks a head start!! Can't feel my arms as we do some more efforts towards Glovers and I'm relieved when we call it a day and finish up at the raft. I barely manage to help carry the boat up the ramp and I'm thinking of handing on my L plates to another victim...anyone?????

Saturday 31

No training as I'm moving to St Margrets today. My, straight, non-pizza delivery scooter will be happy as it won't get chained up outside the club quite so often. Manage to find my way from new house to the club and do some buger flipping and drinking at Sam's Birthday Party...happy birthday :) Get lost on the way home...(it was dark, I wasn't drunk alrite?).