Saturday 1st

Its Sunny, relatively still and the water looks....nice. Tim's taking Marcus's group and there's me. Sue, Phil, Sarah, Simon, Errol, Rox and Alison. Tim's keen on the 8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 thing with 1 minute rests. Is he kidding? I need a five minute rest after walking upstairs. We do it anyway and seem to cover about 20 miles charging up and down Eel Pie barely having enough time to turn round before Tim bellows "GO!" again. We're down to 4 minutes "on" when Tim and Rox get more intimate than necessary and fall in. Rox loses her spraydeck and retires to the safety of the clubhouse whilst we finish off with 4 x 1 minute sprints.

After Tea & a kitkat Tim & I head out in an oPen canoe accompanied by Craig & Stafford. Tim's donned a wetsuit with mask and flippers in order to go searching for Rox's spraydeck. Idiot. Its never stopped him before tho' and I get dizzy practising hanging drawstrokes while Tim submerges himself in the freezing cold river which is the Thames at the end of October. We wait until he's gone a nice shade of blue before telling him to get back in the boat.....Alas spraydeck not recovered.

Saturday Halloween Screeeeeeaaaam Party

Manage to bag last Halloween costume in Richmond (Foam spider hat and a toasting fork) and head off to party. Get manhandled at door by Ghoulish doorman, tell Tim to put his mask back on. Spend next hour wondering around trying to work out who's who. Sarah has to remove her nose before I work out who it is and Ross has to roll up his trouser leg before I guess correctly......

Costumes are startling with Craig's bleeding mask a big improvement on the real thing. Graham dons the same costume as the Bond party with the addition of white gloves and a clowns mask whilst Sue's horns are small but perfectly formed. Zdenka's come as a black cat and crosses many people's paths and there are some truly ugly people around but the outfits cover the worst excesses and some even look better than normal (beer goggles notwithstanding)

Evening gets predictably and progressively louder with dancing getting, how can I put this?....less inhibited. Food is fab as usual (Ghoulish was particularly good Zdenka...I finally got the joke) and the music provided by the juke box was er.....music. Addition of strawberry flavoured smoke was disconcerting and probably contributed to me staggering around while dancing. Or possibly dancing while staggering around. One of Sue's horns gets skewed and Carston loses his shirt in a frightening show of "girl frenzy".

The evening draws to a close all too quickly and I consider myself lucky to be able to walk home without (much) assistance unlike Richard whose assistant walked him home....

So, huge clapping and shouting for Claudia, Carston, Alison, Zdenka who organised the whole thing :) the club, as ever, profits from such things and all monies made go to improving the club and what we do. I'm expecting hot water in the showers on Tuesday after circuits (shinny new weights and elastic things for that please) and tips put on the snooker cues by Wednesday. And perhaps a foot spa.

Sunday 2nd

Fight wind & rain in order to get into work.....nothing to do...fight wind and rain to get back home. Wind and rain still doing its thing so work "colleague" suggests I might like to fight my way back into work, for fun. I laugh in the face of wind & rain so I agree. Sit damply at computer for two hours then trundle home with water leaking from my shoes. Scratch Sunday paddling from my Big Plan.

Tuesday 4th

.S..T..I..U..C..R..I..C.. backwards "circuits" sounds like something a polish coal miner might say having stubbed his toe on his pick axe. Forwards it sounds much more like someone is suggesting you might like to engage in something unpleasantly sweaty for an hour. Trish uses the forward version more often than the backwards one which is why all twenty seven of us are squeezed into the gym jogging on the spot. I've bought my pick axe in the vain hope that I'll be mistaken for a polish coal miner but she orders me to take my headlamp off and start skipping. I keep my hat on.

Lemmee see...27 people, 27 stations, 30 seconds on each, 3 circuits that'll be....a long time. Its also the first time that we've had to have a station on the balcony (star jumps). Any more participants and we'll have to start using the changing rooms tho I'm not sure what we could do in there......Holding breath for 30 seconds (men's changing room), gawping for 30 seconds (girls changing room).

If I lose anymore sweat they'll be able to grind me into a powder and sell me in packets of "Re-hydration Therapy" but I've got enough left to take in some technique stuff on the paddling machine. Trish suggests tensing my stroke side leg well before applying the catch....I thought I was but I wasn't although when I did I realised I never had been. I'm stretchered out of the gym.

Wednesday 5th

Play badminton twice (afternoon and evening)...with racquet in my left hand. I'm attempting to even out my right sidedness by doing more stuff on the left hand side. Have been brushing my teeth with brush in left hand for weeks but with no noticeable improvement in my paddling. Get beaten (at badders not teeth brushing) by 12 year old who has never played before, change back to right hand, get beaten again. Give racquet to 12 year old, go home.

Thursday 6th

Gosh. Nite paddling, what fun. Put pickaxe in boat and adjust headlamp. I'm driving a K2 with Craig, other K2s: Rolly & Sarah, Liz & Rox, Mark n' Claudia, Phil & Carston and finally Nick G running the session from his K1 with Paul doing the stealth thing in his K1.

Have to say river is mirror like and the air is warm so its almost perfect. Almost....Nick suggests we do 4 mins x 3 x 3. Yeah right. Really....er...OK. So that's what we do. Fitness as ever is my problem and we're well down on the first two efforts, Carston & Phil sensibly bail out at this point. Three and Four nearly cause me to have a cardiac "event" and I finally get a stitch in five. Effort six and we're paddling at 75% while I recover but my body finally starts to behave in effort seven and we mange to keep up with Liz & Rox. I finally stop providing resistance training for Craig and we storm thru the last two efforts. Fab stuff.

Take tea at the club where Phil attempts serious conversation with Sarah who mistakes it for something more humorous and laughs like a drain. Phil tries his new cycle helmet on. I laugh like a drain. Phil thinks the Welsh might beat the English. Drain like, we laugh again.....

Sat 8th

8.30. I say, that sounds early. It is coz Phil's got to go see his granny in Scotland (its her birthday). We do TYM and back but Its damn cold. When I get back I have a cup of tea with three sugars which doubles as my breakfast.

10.00 Marcus drives us out onto the water and we gather up round Glovers. Its the usual algebra test with 4mins x4, 3x4, 2x4 which frankly sounds a bit tough.....and is. Much flailing and hyperventilating later the cogs and springs are starting to pop out and I've definitely had enough. The last two minute effort nearly has me in tears and I'm really not sure about the whole thing (sniff). One kitkat, a baked potato and more tea sorts me out and after some chat Sue drives me to Shepperton to get some pogies.

18:00 Watch the fireworks at Blackfriars then after much Ooo'ing, Ahhhh'ing and gasping we retire, as Guy Fawkes would've done had he not been betrayed, to a curry house in Soho. Via a Belgian beer house. Very international, very hot.

Sunday 9th

The "Draw-off", which sounds like a sketching competition but is actually required for the PLA's annual maintenance of Richmond half lock causes the river to be extremely low. The raft is sandbagged so it doesn't tilt not that it matters a jot to me coz I'm watching the Rugby in St Mags Tavern. Splendid stuff, was tempted to text Phil with derisory comments about Welsh Rugby but I was feeling magnaminious so didn't. However the feeling has passed so: "nah-nah ne na-nah...Engeeerrrrrrland". Bit worried about the French...

Leave pub at 12 (noon, not evening) and as it is chucking it down and not very pleasant I text Paul to say I'm not paddling....No worry tho as I remember writing contingency plan (as part of Big Plan) for such events... (sound of Big Plan being leafed through)...and it says: "If raining, go to pub".

Monday 10th

Ring Sue who's been getting the hang of her new boat (Cougar, sort of sewage brown colour) fortunately its slowed her down a bit, so hoping to catch her on Saturday....

Do lots of gym type stuff tonite....the word that actually caused the problem was the "lots". My body has the ability to overdo it in a big way whilst my brain looks the other way. Deltoid & leg curl machines largely to blame. Feel refreshed after shower and make my way home. Slight ache in shoulder.

Tuesday 11th

Can't walk, can't raise hands, can't turn head

Wednesday 12th

Can't walk, can't raise hands, but can turn head

Thursday 13th

Can walk a bit and can raise hands (but only in an emergency). Can turn head 350 degrees, which is odd. Ring priest to arrange Exorcism.

Friday 14th

Body fully functioning, devils evicted. Cook a curry, its a Byiri and Cheesy Nan nite, various people eat it. Stay up too late, drink too much, usual story.

Saturday 15th

Morning: Watch Aussies beat All Blacks, skip Sat morning session as still recuperating. Graham rings, says the Avon descent was a bit tame due to lack of water but they did manage a swim. Agree to go Kite flying tomorrow.

Evening: Volunteer to set off fireworks at party. Everyone asked to bring "one large firework", which they do. 30 drunk people (I am very sober) laugh and point as display safety expert (me) ducks and weaves amongst the "Weapons of Mass Destruction". South Croydon is downtown Baghdad for 15 mins as I and fellow "firestarter" launch some heavy weaponry into the night sky. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder forces me to drink large amounts of "Dos Equis" and I eventually crawl into bed at 4 am.

Sunday 16th

Crawl out of bed at 8 am, scoot to Slug, watch England game (YeeeHaaaa!!) with Graham and Zdenka. We shout ourselves hoarse as the Rosbifs stuff les Bleus. I love to watch the French; such style, such finesse, such losers!

After the rugger we go kite flying on the South Downs at Devils Dyke. Graham and Zdenka claim to have "Kites" but Zdenka's makes it into the air only for a minute or so before disintegrating and Graham's never really troubles the breeze. However after lots of running around and shouting we eventually get my parachute type thing into the air. Everyone gets the hang of it though Zdenka nearly "takes out" some Japanese tourists who venture to close! Graham vows to get one that's bigger and better (kite, not Japanese tourist)

We eventually have to pack up but watch the para and hang gliders do their stuff against the setting sun before whizzing off home.

Tuesday 18th

Have to miss circuits due to work stuff. Big Plan may need tearing up if I miss any more training....

Wednesday 19th

Bring forward the Big Plan's "Reward" schedule and splash out on big night at local bistro with "The Texan" (no, not George Bush). Have pre- bistro drinks at the St Mags Tavern where the landlord's policy of only employing East European supermodels is paying off. The place is buzzing with people and after a couple of beers we decamp to the restaurant. Splendid stuff, if I could remember the name I'd recommend it. Turns out the Texan's pad is on the river below Richmond road bridge and.....she has a mooring!! Bloody hell, my unerring ability to find women with moorings is becoming spooky. No swimming pool though, which is slightly disappointing.

Saturday 22nd

Zdenka, Graham and I gather at the Slug for another round of "Torture by Rugby". Joined by Ross, Nick, Bernard, Grant and Karl who look on with interest as the English contingent and, rather strangely, Zdenka go through every emotion known to man as ENgerrrrrlanddddd.....WIN!!

Nip down the club for a spin upriver with Tim. More of a social than a paddle but agree to do the Hare and Hounds in a K2 with him tomorrow as I need material for the blog.

Sunday 23rd

Stand outside club until Sarah arrives coz I've forgotten my keys....which I subsequently discover have been hanging from my front door for the last 24 hours. Well done Neil, spot on.

Whilst waiting for the rest of the Hare n' Hounds lot to turn up we stare glumly out of the windows watching rain and tide engulf the sunken boat on the other bank. Trev arrives and tells us the H+H is cancelled. Great......Tim organises us into K2s: Me+Tim, Mark+Liz, Charmie+Ross, Peter B+Craig, Sue+Sarah with Nick, Ollie Sam and Neville all in K1s. Kingston is mentioned. Bugger.

We edge down the near vertical ramp to the raft with the rain making it extra slippy and plonk the boat into the puddle that's masquerading as the Thames. Everybody then charges off on a "warm-up" and we pause for breath around Eel Pie. We head off to the lock, Time & I floundering somewhat while trying to find a rhythm that suits us both.

The rollers at Teddington are slippy with an emulsion of water and goose poo and we do a comedy ascent to the put in at the top. Its a bit more of a race to Kingston bridge but we're off the front group pace and settle for beating Sue and Sarah. We turn at the bridge and do some sort of a flyer back to the lock followed by a comedy descent down the rollers and finally a comedy put in at the bottom. Comedy all round then.

Have short discussion about possibility of varying buttock sizes causing boat imbalance before giving it our best for the last leg back to the club. Have lunch with Sarah, Sue, Peter, Tim et. al. then natter with Sue about "Big Plan" until dark.

Tuesday 25th

It's pay day...and coincidently.....circuits. Arrive late and damp then traipse into gym feeling less like doing circuits than at anytime...since last week. Usual lot jogging up and down with Trev wisecracking that it should be getting easier by now. Shouldn't it?

We do 20 odd stations at 30-45-30 and whiles it certainly doesn't seem to get any easier it does go quicker. That could be the blackouts. make way home to bed.

Thursday 27th

On way to nite paddle when get turfed off scooter by short sighted chap in Peugeot. "I saw you...then I lost you" says he. That'll be when I disappeared under you wheels then?? Fortunately I survive with only bruises but bike might need more attention.

Friday 28 - Sunday 30

Ease battered body on Virgin "Pendolino" train and head North for weekend. Splendid tour round Manchester followed by "Quail Curry"....followed by a hangover so good I did it again on Saturday. Drag body back onto train for return journey, approaching Watford the train manager announces closure of buffet due to "Sex change at Euston". Strange but then the train was made in Italy.