Monday 1st

Appear to have used up all "Reward" bits of Big Plan and I'm only left with the "Hard" bits involving: punishing fitness routines, gruelling technique work and ...the club Christmas party. I think that should've come under the "Reward" section but since it'll be held in the gym I think it counts as some sort of fitness work.

Various people phone and text me to ask if I'm OK (thanks very much, I am) though Craig calls asking, should I never recover, could he have my paddles. No but you can have my wing nut and toggle.

Saturday 7th

Having had a week off of gruelling fitness regime due to accident injuries I arrive keen and fresh at the club for morning of thrashing up and down the river. Attendance is a bit light but Sarah (who'd already done one session), Zdenka and I get out on the water and do some sprinty stuff up to the lock. Karl joins us on the way back and we let him win the last sprint down to Glovers.

Sue's out with Wendy's group and was last seen demonstrating "Portaging" to them. So, that'll be: cautious approach to ramp at car park followed by a frown then a get-out on all fours, scramble up the ramp, slip-slide down the far side, boat gingerly placed in water at put-in and finally a little squeak with a push off to finish. Applause all round. I should laff (see Hare and hounds description, Sunday)

Help get chairs and tables from loft then decorate the tree. Get diss'd for putting blue baubles in clusters instead of neatly distributed amongst their white siblings but surely not as bad as Graham who has half an hours prevarication before placing his one bauble in just the right place. Santa's helpers subsequently re-arrange all baubles including Graham's.

The RICC Christmas Party

Please approach the line of yellow buoys. Arrive early as I've volunteered to do the bar. The place looks somehow "expectant", calm before the storm kind of thing. Assorted barman arrive and we load the bar with glasses and stock then crack open a bottle to get proceedings going. More people arrive including Santa and the party begins to take off. There's some frenzied activity taking place in the galley. This may have included some cooking. Glance at watch, 7pm, make mental note to pace myself.

I'll start you in 10 seconds. Yet more people arrive with the "118" advert (Ross and Grant) putting in an hilarious but all to brief appearance. As Graham & I slosh wine and beer around Craig keeps the whole bar re-supplied with the hard stuff. More "staff" wine is purchased and drunk which makes the maths a tad more difficult but we manage to keep the whole room supplied without incident. Or fights. Glance at watch 8pm, make mental note to pace myself.

Beep!! Debbie suddenly declares the food "Ready". The club's best sprinters reach the hot plates in the blink of an eye, beginners mill around crashing into each other and white water chaps don hard hats and scramble over the tables. Meanwhile our marathon champions form a line and wash hang each other to the front but the DW crews remain seated and wait for their support crews to feed them. Bar staff crack open more wine and heroically eat food at station while guarding bar. Glance at watch, 9pm make mental note about something or other.

Red buoys sighted Trevor makes a splendid speech and there are great cheers for Debbie, Alison, Mark et. al as he thanks them for organising a fantastic party. He declares the club the largest in the land and expresses joy and happiness at the great strides the club's made over the last 12 months. He went on to celebrate the success of our world class sprint athletes (Trish and Gavin) and thanks the committee who stand up to loud cheers and some booing! The coaches also get a richly deserved cheer for their part in the triumphs. Not a dry eye to be seen. Glance at watch, unable to focus on digits, mental notes scrambled.

The Finish. After pudding the place is cleared followed by people getting their drinking hats on and besieging the bar. Dancing starts and I sneak off bar duty to career around the dance floor. Its no surprise to find there's already a fair amount of careering going on. Substitute bar staff seem to have magically appeared on the south side of the bar so I spend some time drinking on the Northern side. I suddenly go from mildly tipsy to downright disorderly in the blink of a bloodshot eye but thankfully I'm not on my own!! People stagger and lean against each other in a manner more reminiscent of an earth quake than dancing and the party staggers to its conclusion. Hard core still holding out as I, Sue, Penny & Tony head home....Graham inexplicably doing the washing up...in pink rubber gloves.

Sunday 8th Hare and Hounds

After a refreshing 4 hours sleep I'm back at the club. Mark P says I look "ghastly" and to be honest I'm not at my best. I attempt a helping hand at glass drying (Graham's still washing up) but have to got for a lie down after a particularly grubby pint glass fails Mark's strict QA process.

Tim & Sarah load the boats, Peters incoherent, Graham's....still washing up..., I'm lying down. Doesn't look good for the race. Sam arrives and he could be our only hope, however he looks distracted and it turns out he's had a bit of a disastrous evening with the "ladies". We counsel him and wisely suggest he has nothing to do with them until he has some grasp of their ways of thinking. When will that be he asks? We avert our eyes and change the subject.

The Race: Bright, sunny but b-b-bloody cold. Tim lends me an extra layer but appears to have stolen it from some small child as I'm unable to breathe or move my arms with it on. Not to worry, we set the boat up and I find that I can't reach the footrest....which has been screwed in. What fun. Graham's glumly winding a bandage round his index finger, most likely a washing-up injury and we miss the "briefing" coz we're all staring out of the window.

Start is a bit subdued but Tim and I are soon hunting down victims as we inexorably rise through the pack. I think that's what we did. I'm in a zone that even pain can't reach but Tim suddenly says "Spraydecks off" and I fumble with frozen hands at the zip. I sprawl onto the mud at the lock then grab the boat and limp up the path to the put in. Tim's a bit keen and I'm only half in when he decides to paddle off but I re-zone quickly and settle down for the next bit.

Turn at the top then meet the rest of the Richmond "Hounds" hareing round the bend. Everyone looks keen so Tim thinks we should try a bit harder. Which, I suppose, is why he elects to head for the slippery put-in in at the portage (Sam does the same). We both slide down the bank and Tim shouts "into the water". I'm upto my knees in very cold water so leap back over the boat and get in....which grounds the rudder. Out I get, then back in, bit of shouting, hands go numb, paddle off, avoid rudderless boat. Crikey.

End in Sight, we're amongst the juniors now and we really get going after the so-so stuff at the lock. make some sort of superhuman effort with 200M left and charge past a couple of startled "hares". Rush back to the club house for showers followed by tea, biscuits and hot dogs....feeling eventually returns to fingers.

Results We finish in 52 mins (we estimated a hungover 56 so a good result), Craig & Peter do 48, Graham a very hungover 51, Sam a v good 49?, Sarah big effort at 57 as does Alex and DW partner and I believe Nev did a sub 50 as well. Congrats all round.

Tuesday 9th

Circuits. C-U-I-C-U-I-T-S, said slowly and even with careful enunciation it really doesn't convey what goes on for 45 minutes in the club gym. A good turnout again with Isabelle providing French competition for the first time. Karl also makes an appearance but frankly no impact as he strolls round managing to avoid breaking out in anything resembling a "sweat". Phil returns from his travels (New Zealand) and hasn't canoed for so long he nearly capsizes the paddle machine.

Big Plan....2

Took opportunity to re-write Big Plan....now known as Big Plan 2. Roped in Graham who will be providing canoeing expertise, fitness, endurance and speed. I will be providing "Entertainment Resources" that is Beer Crate logistics and most of the comedy canoeing action. The plan, in its early stages of planning it has to be said, centres around "Descent" races. The premise being that as its downhill its gotta be easier than say: marathon racing? Not so, have read the Dusie, Fish and Avon (Aussie) race descriptions and they sound a tad difficult (possibly two or three "beer crate" races), the Liffey and Exe also look pretty damn challenging not to much mention (er, which I haven't, sorry Graham) a stab at the Severn Bore. The latter, despite its name, should be fairly interesting.

Thursday 11th

Arrive at club to find all spaces in K2's have, to my relief, been bagged. I wander into the gym to attempt some weights and all that. Much to my surprise I manage to lift some. Flushed with success I also have a stab at the gym ball. This is successful. It goes down.

Zdenka also in the gym and does 20 normal crunches, then 20 reverse upside down type ones then some others. I do two then sensibly decamp to the paddling machines to checkout my progress. See Graham and Nev lurking around looking shifty and it seems their ongoing affair with the DW is getting more serious as they're purchased a "stealth" carbon fibre jobbie. This could take them under 20 hours.....That means alot less sleep for the support crew, I'm not sure we're going to be able to keep up.

Eventually go to the pub with Sarah, Tim and Craig. Sarah's looking a bit tired and it turns out she's taking the Dusie thing very seriously with lots of training, running, jumping and that kind of thing. Crikey.

Saturday 13th

Having, for a change, had a sensible amount of sleep and no hangover I arrive at the club feeling fresh and er....keen. There's four of us: Sue, Erol, Me and Zdenka. Sarah's elected to run upto the lock with her boat on her shoulders, I expect its quicker but not quite fair.. Marcus announces an 8, 7, 6, 5 ,4, 3, 2, 1 set-up with 1 minute rests (is that all?) and a 4 minute rest after the 6 in order to maintain "quality".

We, surprisingly, form a diamond with Erol at the front giving it some real effort. We settle down for the 8 minutes but Erol seems to think this is all we're doing and steams off into the distance. I sensibly come last. Marcus berates me for not having my hands high enough....again.

Zdenka manages to capsize on the 6 min effort and I sportingly slow down to see if she's OK. I think she may have said something in Chezch and it could've been an expletive....I charge off after Erol & Sue and nearly catch them at Eel Pie. Karl joins in and I wash hang him for the 5. The 4 and three are similar affairs but the winning margins are getting smaller.....

We're down to 2 and 1 and the wheels have come off Erols wagon but Sue and Zdenka are still looking interested. I manage to find some reserves and win the last effort.....after which I join Erol in the wheel-less wagon department.

Sunday 14th

I'm back to the no sleep, excess beer regime and I am only fuzzily aware of preparations for the club 10K. There's a reasonable turnout and I'm teamed with Phil in a K2. We start late with only Doug behind us and so it's the second lap before we catch-up with Karl. In fact most people only do 2 laps and there's no one in sight as we round Glovers for the third lap. After a quick debate we decide to do it anyway. Phil takes a leaf out of Marcus's book and cajoles me into keeping my hands high (the paddles're heavy y'know). Finish a bit knackered in 54 minutes.

Retire to White Cross for lunch then head to Walthamstow for erm...a....Fondue.