Sunday 1st June

When we get back, Steve phones Marcus G and buys his Eagle for wad of cash and some sort of "arrangement". I think it involves small animals but I won't speculate....Possibly a badger?

Meet Marcus (Gohar) at the club, actually he finds us hiding in the galley nursing hangovers and orders us out onto the river. Suzie (no boat) Back, Phil, Paul, Steve, Kumla and I boat up and thunder up river while Marcu's barks commands and instructions at us. Day of rest?....don't think so. Thanks Marcus :)

Monday 2

Steve takes his Eagle out for a spin and looks comfortable from the off, we get to Eel pie and I demand a go..He reluctantly hands it over but only after I've threatened to tell everyone about the Badger. Seems OK for a second-hand boat but think he paid way too much (in Badger terms) and it seems, well...a bit "girlie" ? Can't put my finger on it but vow to ask Marcus next time I see him.

Phil and I don high seats and plow up and down around Glovers. Feels like I'm perched on the Eiffel tower and I begin to pray in French: "Mon Dieu, Je ne regret rien" I chant as the Jag attempts to unseat me. "Sacre Bleu, fromage, que?". I exhaust my French vocabulary & return to the raft, I see Paul doing much the same in his Jag tho in Italian. Obviously.

Tuesday 3

Meet Richard H in the pub who said he'd had a great time in the Czech Republic representing Ireland and that his Gaelic was coming along fine...tho Those Irish boys are a bit crazy says he. Irony was having a day off then?

I Wake Steve up to suggest he goes home, hes been sleeping in his boat ever since he bought it and its starting to get silly. I'm not sure how he got it on the train.

No circuits tonite so Phil & I whiz up to Eel pie and practice wash hanging on the way back. Can't get to grips with the clothes line technique but Phil seems to think its only a matter of time before we get the hang of it. Oh "wash" hanging I geddit...no I don't.

Wednesday 4

Its the 10K....No Javelins left so I nick a Cougar and fight the thing round a rather disapointing three laps. Still, its a benchmark of sorts and I can only improve. Had a bad moment when I thought one of the surf board boys was trying to overtake me and I re-doubled my efforts, the cheek of it!!

Felt I deserved the fab food (thanks Kim n'Kate) but possibly not the two pints of beer at The Rose (I don't care, re-hydration innit?).

Thurs 5

Enough victims for two boats tonite;

Red boat: has me driving, Sue at number two (by request), Zdenka at three and Andy at four.
Blue boat: Trevor has done his ribs in fighting with some scullers but braves it out at number two behind Tim. Kumala is at three with Craig doing tail end Charlie duties.

We're first on the water and I keep my eyes tightly shut as we launch on the top of a speedboat wave. The boat adopts odd angles and we shake, rattle & roll accross the river towards Glovers. We're a tad unsteady and theres alot of swearing and shouting behind me. blue boat kindly stops to let us catch up but we're behind again very shortly as we fight and wriggle our way to the lock.

We do manage to turn at the lock which was our best manouvre, perhaps we could enter the 500M turning sprint? Dunno but we're having a bit of a mare and I don't think I help much by shouting "Keep paddling!" every 30 seconds. Its the only thing I can think of saying apart from Feck, damn and whaaaa! Blue boat very unhelpful as they appear to be cruising effortlessly whilst "battling" would best describe our efforts.

Get back to the raft without to much of mishap (thats a win in my book) and get a chance to look at everyones face for the first time..."Drawn and Tense" quickly followed by "Relief" sounds about right.

Back in the boys changing room Nick G. tells us (confidentialy) that he thought it was was Sue causing the problems. We shop him immediately and Sue gives him an ear bashing. He manfully trys to dig himself out of his hole but eventually have to drag Sue off down the Slug for a soothing beer.

Get halfway home before I remember my scooter is chained up outside the club. One of those days...

Friday 6th

Check my diary...no paddling...can't be right...it is!!

Put glad rags on and go out on the lash. Manage to limit intake to non-hangover proportions but don't get home til way past my bedtime. Could be a tad weary tomorrow :(

Saturday 7th

Coaches have either gone to the Nottingham Regatta (how did we do?) or have simply given up hope. Either way we're left to our own devices. Normally that means we drink tea on the balcony but for some reason Steve, Gazza, Paul, Phil and myself manage to get on the water without said beverage. Tea is part of our warm up routine so missing it could've exposed us to injury. However we like to live life on the edge.

Sue's not here (sore chest apparently, we gufawe and giggle at the news, we're boys right?) so Gary takes up the light entertainment baton and decides to take out a Javelin. He hasn't read the small print on his contract and neglects to fall in. We leave him at Glovers and motor up to the lock and back.

Unlike Gary I have read the small print and subsequently take out the Jag with a high seat in it. I say "take out" but I'm not sure falling in 6 inches from the raft counts. Still, the waters warm and I did get back in & managed to paddle up round Hamertons with only the occaisional "whhooo wheeeyyy" splash thing. Phil, still shaking with laughter, decides to fit hi seat round the corner rather than humiliate himself by capsizing at the raft. Huh.

Meet Graham leaving the club and he explains that his abscence has been due to injury not hair care product embarrasment. It would've kept lesser people than you away from the club for good says I tho' the wig, sunglasses and German accent nearly had me fooled. He salutes and shouts "Deutschland Uber Alles" which is taking the whole disguise thing too far...It may not have been Graham.

Sunday 8th

Phil, me, Sue & Steve wait patiently for Marcus to arrive and drink tea contemplating the upcoming session. Sue informs us that her sore chest has improved and we decide not to make any witty remarks. Actually Phil snorts in his tea, Steve is leaning againt the balcony weak with laughter and I'm attemtping to turn schoolboy grin into a studied frown. Marcus arrives just in time and I'm taking a Whisper out with Elliette while the others take K1s.

Sue has bit of a do at the raft so I nip round the corner in the Javelin whilst she hops in the double. We swap boats at Glovers and Sue sets off while we do the session. Its a typical Marcus one with him in the C1 correcting our technique (he's kept busy) and I'm grateful I'm in the K2. However he spots me showboating and orders me to increase my rate "by at least 20 per cent". He's kdding right? Seems not so I twirl the blades as fast as I can which brings faint praise..." a bit better". Think Elliette must be doing all of the work.

Elliette & I thrash everyone to the lock including Steve in his Eagle which he has now fully bonded with (aahhh). We get a yellow card for "closing the door" on Phil forcing him into some moored boats but I claim driving incompetence not pre-meditation. No one believes me.

We form a close approximation of a diamond (it could've been a tetrahedon) and I finally start to believe that this wash hanging lark is actually beneficial. The whisper is a bit front heavy and we nose dive into the wash of the Merry Thames nearly colliding with Marcus. He's not happy and gives me what for tho I claim the incompetent driving skills excuse. won't be able to use that for much longer!!

Back at the club Phil takes Steve's Eagle out and falls in twice. Lovely.

Monday 9th

6.45 am..Switch alarm off rollover, go back to sleep

6.55 am..Switch alarm off rol.....Hang on!! I did say I'd go out this morning. Blimey.

7.20 am..Push off from the raft, river is flat, no wind, sun is shining. I'm still asleep.

Despite perfect conditions I'm not sure I did them justice although I did paddle round for 40 minutes with a smile on my face. I take tea & toast on the balcony (this is sooo Richmond) and watch the morning break over the river....almost take a sickie....almost...

Tuesday 10th

Circuits..I'm doing girlie weights tonite in order to avoid feeling like a dead dingo on the 10K tomorrow.

But still feel completely knackered at the end of it. Trev is there coaching his juniorS (seems to be more every week) and he asks me if I want to do a vets 500M K2 at Nottingham as well as the K4. Its my distance, I reply, and we contemplate doing the 1000M as well. "Thats twice as far" says Trevor, after a short pause to do the maths. We may need to have our pacemakers adjusted for that kind of distance so we just pencil it in as a possible.

Go to the pub to celebrate another day without a P45.

Wednesday 11

Managed to strain a muscle in my back last night :( so decide not to do 10K tho nearly fall off my scooter whilst going over Richmond bridge trying to see who's doing what on the river. Ruefully eat cheese sandwich at home, I should've turned up for the food at least!!

Thursday 12

Back still a bit stiff but decide to do K4 anyway and Turn-up to find the boathouse has had a bit of a makeover. The seat "cage" has been removed and Trev's had a special spade built so he can indulge his other passion: gardening. With some relish he has a hack at the undergrowth adjoining the raft and We have to retreat behind some boats as bits of soil and debris get hurled around. I can see where he gets his paddling action from...

River looks really nice as we get the boats out and people are larking around coz its sunny. Everyone's still in a jovial mood as people are allocated seats tho' Claudia seems not to "get" the 4 in K4 and asks Trev how many seats are needed. He says three.

White boat is trev, me, Sue and Graham whilst the Red boat is Tim (in lurid pink for a change), Claudia, Craig and, making a guest appearance, Tim (Killip).

We hop, skip and step carefully down the raft and we're boated up and launched before I have a chance to take stock. In fact it's all to quick and we have to beach round the corner to make seat adjustments.

We finally get going and theres lots of stuff up to the lock, I'm on counting & gliding duty this week and frankly its not much better than Sue's last week. One day we'll get the hang of it and hopefully before the Regatta. Trev mentions something about watching our shadows to check our technique but my silohuette seems to be marred by a dead fish and bin bag, no wonder my paddling is bad.

Smart turns are executed at the lock and we're escorted by various K1 outriders (Mahjid and Ross) as we thunder down past Eel pie. Trev attempts to up the rate to something approximating race pace but frankly we're not up to it and we're gonna need some work on it if we're going to figure in the Regatta. Tim's boat giving it alot of gas (verbally) but they ain't no where near us as we win by a nose. Possibly Trevor's.

My forearms feel like they've been filled with lead and beaten with a big stick which has a negative impact on my paddling. Trev's roaring and shouting at us to put some effort in, "naming & shaming", and we beat the red boat hands (paddles?) down again. Sue's contact lenses have floated off and she's having diffculty matching our timing, fortunately Nicks not around to pass judgement so she gets away with it (ahem..)

We get back to the raft and we once the boats are away we do a short spin upto Eel pie in K1's. Sue nmanges to stay in her Javelin much to her relief and our disapointment (not really, well done!)

Sat 14

The usual suspects are mssing today and I find myself thumb twiddling on the balcony wondering what to do. Marcus suggests Alex's group so I boat up with the Jag and ship out with the rest of them feeling a little...underpowered. With good cause coz I'm struggling to keep up on the rather understated "warm-up". I mangage to catch everyone up by Eel Pie only for alex to shout "GO!!" and I'm a hundred meters adrift by the time the effort finishes. This repeats itself up and down the river to the extent that I'm not entirelly sure WHO was in Alex's group. I saw Nev occaisionally and Graham put in an appearance at the back once or twice but frankly it could've been the enitre olympic team in drag and I'd have been none the wiser. Tho' Farther behind perhaps..

I Lounge around after the session drinking tea, eating cake and generally dissing returning paddlers as they fight for space at the raft. I'm becoming a well read arm chair paddler and can spot a dodgy catch, poor rotation and bad tea handling technique from some way off.

Go home early to prepare for dinner party (no, really)

Sun 15

Dinner party a huge success and I have a hangover plus a large bump on the back of my head. I was showing everyone how to do the twisty thing on the large swiss gym ball (a must at all good dinner parties) when I er....fell off. The lounge door was shut, banged my head. Thought you'd like to know. Its dangerous, don't do it.

9.30am, everyone thats anyone is down to bag a boat for the race at the Royal. Phil, myself, Fiona, Kumala, Paul and Gazza are there as well. We form a convoy and along with Ivana & Jane in a K2 and amble up river to the Royal. We've arrive a tad early and have about three hours to wait before the Div 7, 8 & 9 races so we sunbathe, eat sarnies & snooze. Someone starts a water fight, wasn't me. Fiona, one step forward.

1.45 pm. Stuffed to the gunnales with lemon dirzzle cake I find myself on the start line wearing my sunhat and shades. Graham shouts encouragement: "c'mon pork pie". Very funny. I'm trying to think of a witty rejoinder when someone shouts "GO!" and theres lots of splashing. I'm cunningly placed wide to avoid everyones wash so despite a poor start I quickly catch the leading pack of 12 yearolds. They unsportingly speed up and I'm hanging on desparately when I inexplicably fall in. Race over...

Fortunately a young French girl standing on the bank seems keen to aid my rescue. I'm keen as well so together we get me, the boat and my paddles on the bank. Things are looking up and I quickly enagage her in conversation. However my lack of French is cruelly exposed and once we've run through where the pen owned by my aunt can be found and confirmed that the cat really is in the garden she begins to look bored.

I decide to get back in further down the bank and she carries the boat and my paddles whilst I open various gates marked "Private - NO ENTRY". Shes struggles to get thru the nettles and bankside undergrowth but with some encouragement she eventually gets the boat in the water.

"Tu est tres jollie, Votre phone numbre, qu'est ce que c'est?" I ask before paddling off. She runs away. I retire, DNF, Null point, no cigar.

So, Fiona wins Div 9 (well done) Phil, Paul, Gazza, Stafford, Andy, Craig & Pancho, Kumala do well in Div 7 & 8 with Simon doing well to come second in 7. Charmien & Mellissa do Div 6 in a K2 while Doug did rather well in the twelve miler. Blimey, good turnout.

Monday 16

Do morning session with Sue up to lock and back. Sue's trying to stay in a Jav and I'm doing something approximating "technique" work. Penny & Tony join us for some of the way and It's such a gorgeous sunny day I find it difficult to concentrate. Water is fab, no wind...lovely.

We do the same in the afternoon, tho Sue gets tangled with some anglers equipment and I try to master "power circle 7". I find out later that there isn't one but it keeps me occupied while sue fights it out with the grumpy fisherman. Nothing can spoil our mood so we retire for some beer with Steve "The Eagle".

(Have managed to pick up some new and exciting tan lines so day wasn't wasted)

Tuesday 17

10.30 Raining rather heavily so Sue & I drink tea and watch the surveyors do things with tripods and tape measures. They drink tea as well and after some more rain we get out onto the river (us, not the surveyors).

Its not bad, flat, no wind etc so I thought I'd have a go at wash hanging the Merrie Thames (M.T.) for a laugh. The jag's up for it as well so we chase the "wave" up Eel pie. Thats about as fast as I've ever been without chemical assistance (tea) and I'm grining like a cheshire cat ("un chien de Cheshire", if only I'd been so eloquent yesterday)

We do it again in the afternoon but I'm less succcessful at wash hanging the M.T. and I'm nearly put in by what seems like giant waves. The boat passengers stare glassily ahead like it's normal for someone sitting on a wobbly bit of fibreglass to bounce around like a loon behind a Thames passenger boat. The captain's seen it all before and laughs like a drain.

Shoot off early, missing circuits & coincidently I meet tony & Penny at the White Swan. I'm really there to meet my French "rescuer" from the race on Sunday. I shoo them off before she gets there, worried they might expose my "World Championship winner in record time" stories. "Bonjour Fifi, du vin ou un pint of bitter?" I rehearse quietly under my breath. Just wish I'd paid attention at school. Wish I'd gone to school come to that.

Weds 18

10.30 Charmien kindly agrees to take us out for some edging, portaging and le mans start practice. I've no idea what she's talking about but it beats plouging up to the lock and back so we (Penny, Tony, Sue, Paul & I) get out there smartly. Can't remember having so much fun in a boat before and I even manage to apply the edging stuff in the 10K later. Ta Charmie fab stuff.

6.45pm..10K time. Not my favourite distance (by 9.5K) but I chance my arm and do it in the Jag. Conditions are nasty & bumpy with the tide doing its thing as well. But I do manage to finish in my fastest time so far. I estimate that if I improve by 1 minute per week I'll be doing it in 7 minutes by October, thats more like it...

Thurs 19

No kayak blog (I'm writing this on Weds) coz Sue, Phil & I are off to the Lakes for a "Three go mad in keswick" long weekend. Bit worried coz someone mentioned walking up hills, my legs are starting to wither from lack of use so it might be "challenging".

Friday 20th

I was right to be worried. Sue and Phil march up Red Pike like it was a molehill while I'm making more of a mountain out of it. I'd judged it as a four Kit Kat hill but it turns out to be a 6. We do High Stile and Haystack for good measure by which time I'm beginning to think the 10K time trial is a bit of a float.

Retire to the pub for well earned beer and finally collapse into the worlds smallest tent and oblivion. We may have drunk a bit more than was sensible. We may not.

Saturday 21st

After a quick check on sore heads and sore limbs we decide to do a small hill called Cat's Bells which overlooks Derwent Water. I say "small" and indeed the book indicates that it's no Everest at 700M. Effin' steep though. Faint with exhaustion I manage to do the final summit where Phil and Sue are relaxing after a quick ascent. Gits. I decide not to do the extra hill on offer and bail out returning to Keswick by boat which turns out to be a good move.

Phil calls saying Sue has got them lost and what can I do about it. We agree to give her a good talking to when they return about the efficacy of taking complete idiots out with her on the hills. I eat ice cream and make faces at passing babies until they return....three hours later. I bought a new pole with a camera mount. Fab toy.

We BBQ in the rain which is fun if a little wet and rib Sue about her map reading skills. Ours are perfect, obviously....

Sunday 22nd

Surprisingly we didn't drink that much last night and there've been no complaints from our neighbours. We've decided on Great Gable today and we set off in high spirits having bought lashings of lemonade and stocks of food. It looks like an 8 Kit Kat job to me so I've bought 16 just in case. Eat half of them in the car on the way. I may have reversed into a small boulder. I may have moved it a couple of feet. Easily done, move on, nothing to see.

On the way in Phil drops my compass into a stream and whilst he dons scuba gear to retrieve it I use my new toy to take some pics. Its a lovely day and the walk up is very pleasant so we stop at a waterfall where Phil clears his head by immersing it in a pool at the bottom. I do the same and my watch stops. Water resistant to 50M...don't think so. Much to our chagrin Sue manages to keep her top dry and we continue the climb to the summit.

Which is in cloud. We attempt to get lost, visibility is down to 10 meters, but Phil and Sue are too good at this lark and, without a hitch, we make our way back down to Windy Gap. It is, so we don't hang around and descend through the cloud base (do say if I'm getting too technical?) to the road. Sue demands we walk faster but we're not having any of it so we put our fingers in our ears and sing "la LA LA la LA!!".

For the first time we drink far to much beer and Phil makes Sue cry by criticising her paddling technique. She could've been laughing while I was describing Phil's but It was hard to tell. I cry as we've missed last orders and they've been dissing my walking "tights". Meanwhile Phil fights back the tears because we threaten to expose his mossey dry wall fetish. Its a very emotional end to a fab weekend...

Monday 23rd

Bit sad coz its been a good holiday and assorted hangovers don't help. We cheer ourselves up by buying stuff in Keswick then hop in the motor for the 7 hour journey home. Frank's on the CD player and we soon know all the words to Leroy Brown (...baddest man in the whole darn town..) though pitch perfect it ain't. We spin it one more time before we get to Richmond then its goodbye, adios and all that.

Looking forward to a bit of paddling tomorrow...

Tuesday 24th

Dash down the club eager to get out in the Jag. Meet Nev on the balcony whose seems a bit glum about his race on Sunday suspecting he'll get a D notice. I distract him by asking when we're going to get another of his high kneeling C1 "Performance Art" routines. Soon, says he smiling, soon....

Paul, Phil and Steve turn up and but I'm meeting someone later(no, not the French bird, that was a fib ok?) so I don't hang around and Steve the "Eagle" & I paddle up to Eel Pie. The river is buzzing with assorted junior groups and Trevor shouts for us to get out of the way as he lets them loose up river. We turn around at the top of Eel Pie and attempt to do the "Standing Up" in a boat routine. I manage to do it for a second or two before leaping out but the Jag thinks its a bit of wheeze to float off without me. Steve's laughing too much to help though frankly his attempt is less than impressive as he dives out of his boat before getting vertical. Ross cruises past grinning at our amateur antics but declines to give us a masterclass.

Eek! I'm late so sprint back to the club chasing Steve's wash as Phil joins us. I'm showered and changed in two minutes flat then out to Teddington for a BBQ "a deux". Manage to control intake of beer to none staggering proportions but have to leave scooter chained up and take the bus home.

Wednesday 25

8.00 am..Retrieve scooter from yesterday evenings BBQ venue and take tea on the lawn down by the pool with the hostess (no really, I'm not making this up). Did I mention it overlooked the Thames? No? It does which is how I manage to spot Steve the "Eagle" out for his morning constitution so I shout some encouragement as he paddles past. Looks like secret training to me and I make a mental note not to tell anyone about it before reluctantly setting off for work. Your secrets safe with me Steve.

6.30pm...10K time trial ....still not my favourite thing to do but I need the exercise. There's 43 of us so the raft is somewhat busy but the river looks low and flat. It turns out to be bumpy. I'm only 15 mins into it before I start wondering what the hell I'm doing out there. It usually takes 20 mins so its not a good omen. However my edging is coming along well and I overtake a couple of boats at Twickers bridge. Encouraged I put a bit more effort in and finally finish in my best time ever. Tho suspect the Regatta "Fee" that Trevor "The Bung" relieved me of earlier may have included a bribe for 10K "adjustments". Most people seem to have done well and Craig, Milos (that could be spelt wrong) and a few others do PBs whilst Colin allows Liz to escort him round in under an hour.....Gary has finally read the small print on his K1 contract as has Pancho and they both fall out of their Javelins.....Splendid stuff!

After fantastic food (ta to Fiona, Charlotte, Karl and Lance) we adjourn to the pub to celebrate Sue's birthday. Happeee birthday to you...(hic)...etc. Leave scooter in chains & take the bus home. Again.

Thursday 26th

K4 training day. Its two weeks since the last effort and with consecutive 10K PB's under my belt I'm feeling chippa but with two rather late nites also under my belt (unintended innuendo there) I'm also feeling a bit tired. There's a full compliment of "Vets" to crew the red boat and after a bit of faffing around Trev, me, Neville & Graham get on the water.

Trev's getting serious and announces 3 x 1000M race pace efforts with some 500M stuff at the end. Eh? He's not joking and we warm up to Eel Pie then ease back down to the car park for the first one. There's some kids shouting "Go!" and we wait for Trev to do the same...."GOOOO!!"....the boat lurches like a wounded elephant and we manage to pick it up from about 500M out. Did I say we? there's not much left in my tank by the time Trev calls "easy!" at the top of Glovers and I'm seriously considering being sick. If I could breathe I would.....Did someone say 3:50? Might've done

After what was laughingly called a rest we do an upstream, upwind 1000M which has roughly the same "lights out" effect on me but the boat seems to move faster. I adjust my pacemaker to "fast" and advise Trev that I might need a bit more of a rest before the next one. Nev announces that he thinks the rate is "about right" and Graham concurs. That's good says Trev coz that's about as fast as he can go anyway.....

We do one more from the car park and silence the hecklers by executing a cracking start. But I've put too much into it and at 500M I gargle to Trev that "the rate at which my lactic acid is being cleared appears to be lagging behind the rate at which its being produced". I actually used the shortened version "I'm << expletive >>". However we do manage to finish and with 100M to go I recover slightly tho I'm only vaguely aware of my paddles entering the water. Blimey no one said it was going to hurt.....ow ow ow ow ow ow....ow

We abandon the 500M idea and call it a day coz I'm not well and we return to the raft. We discuss strategy in the changing room and the consensus seems to be that "Paddle like fury for the first 100M, hang on for dear life for another 650M then pass out with pain during the next 100M" should do it. I've no idea what happens during the last 150M coz I've not been conscious during it. Trevor appoints me as chief race strategist.....

I reckon we could make the final. Tho looking at June's Vet K4 entry we could be the only boat in the final..that means we could get Gold, Silver & Bronze plus the wooden spoon for being last. As a parting shot Trev announces that me & him should take the K2 out for some 500M stuff on Sat morning....but only after some more K4 training. I want my mum....

I finally do the traditional "I must go" routine at half hourly intervals whilst drinking tea and gossiping with Tim, Paul & Ross until I really do go home & chain my scooter up in the proper place.

Saturday 28th

I arrive at the boathouse to find the boys involved in an  "image consultancy" meeting. Figuring that the better we look on the starting line the more likely we are to win we decide on matching "England" sunglasses plus a Beckham "Mohican" dyed in club colours. Nev reckons we should wear club T shirts but Trev reckons that'll look ridiculous so we opt for lounge suits. There's some talk about waterproof eyeliner but no one knows what Graham's on about so we decide to get on the water......

After playing around in  a passenger boat wash ("fun" says Trevor) we do the 4 x 500M race efforts which had to be abandoned on Thurs due to me being knackered. I'm still knackered but 500M seems much more achievable  than 1000M and I'm pleased I haven't been sick at the end of the first one. We save our best 500 for effort three but only after adjusting our starting routine to "10 short powerful strokes" as opposed to "10 frenzied, all out, mad axeman" type strokes. The fourth effort is marred by a misunderstanding of the significance of the Flagpole two thirds of the way down Eel Pie. That's at 400M not 500M. Turns out that only Trev knew that and he was keeping it to himself.....Not a bad outing though and if we can get the start, the middle and the end right we'll be in with a chance.

After we get back Nev & Graham get their K1's out but I stop for a cup of Tea and some sun. Trev's set-up the K2 and we go out to join some seniors coming up the river....The boats hellish wobbly and I think my stability's been overestimated coz the wash hanging nearly has us in. We try again and after a few minutes I relax and the boat seems to be moving better. So well in fact that we hop onto the wash of the Merrie Thames (MT)  for a lift up past Eel pie. We're happy enough with the result though I imagine there's a bit of work to do before Athens.

That nite...Sue has a splendid party at the club though the BBQ is so hot we start making fancy iron work and shoeing shire horses to order. The usual suspects are there...Peter does his David Bailey bit, Danni brings on the Cake and Sue talks so much hardly a drop of drink passes her lips. Likely story. There's even enough people at the end to put the place back into some sort of shape (thanks Phil, Paul, Marcus and Caroline). Get home at 3.00am. Fall asleep. Burp.

Sunday 29th June

11.00 am Fresh after 6 hours of unconsciousness I'm ready for anything. Trev is as well and he spots the Merrie Thames so we canter down the raft, leap into the boat and hop onto the wash. Easy. We're joined by Joe for the cruise up river. Its very pleasant and so calming is it that Trev buys a ticket from the driver, has a snooze and I leaf through "Pointy Boat" monthly that Nev's lent me. Trev wakes up at the lock (for the record we did do some other "off wash" stuff)  asks the driver if he's turning round coz we won't be able to get back if he doesn't. It gets a bit more serious on the way back and we do some more efforts "off wash" and I begin to think we might just be alright. Hopefully the Merrie Thames  will fit in our lane at Nottingham.

1. 00 PM After some Tea & sun we go out again. Trev chooses the biggest passenger boat he can find and we attempt to get on its wash. The damn thing is huge and there's a large plume of water being ejected from its stern. I'm feeling much the same and I feverishly finish writing my will before paddling frantically towards certain immersion. After alot of asymmetrical and somewhat panicky paddling we fall off the wash.....bit sad coz it looked a good one and we're going to have to paddle up river without assistance. The waves caused by the boat are nasty and we're all over the place up to Hamertons but we do a 500M down Eel pie and it feels great. I even manage to keep paddling past the flagpole. Next up is sprint starts which again, don't feel too bad. Trev's doing a good job with the startline coaching and I'm in danger of getting the hang of this.....

Paul & Sue return from wobbly boat practice so we retire for a late lunch and some more sun. Phil joins us outside the Slug & Lettuce and we chat about boats, beer and bridges.......I really could take this canoeing lark up as a hobby.

Monday 30th June

I'm not entirely sure my physiology is up to this but it's 6.00 PM and I find myself adjusting my seat in the K4 again. This is all starting to get terribly serious but I'd hoped the session would be 500M stuff. Nah says Tev....1000M. We negotiate with Trev down from 6 x 1000M to 4 and set off at a comfortable pace up river. The boats solid and I'm beginning to like the "rear gunner" position so I shoot up some passing ducks as we ease our way past Hamertons.

Trev shakes me out of my reverie as I have to do "rudder" duties turning round at Eel Pie for the float down to the car park. Our young angler friends are their again and they get into the swing of things by shouting GO! but we're unmoved until Trev bellows GOOO!! then we unleash the wild beast that is the vets K4 and thunder down river. I forget to save a bit for the end and the pick up is a tad desultory but its not bad and no one needs resuscitating at the end. Timing, rate and signals are adjusted and we do an upriver run. It bloody hurts and Trevor's calling out the rate so we know roughly how we're doing. Its a bit better as is the third run downstream.

We leave the best til last and give it all we've got in the last 100M of the fourth run which leaves Graham & I completely shot, there's nothing left. Neville suggests we do a fith one down Eel Pie and if I'd had the strength to whack him with my paddle I would've done. I manage to convey my feelings on the issue and we turn down river for a warm down. However it feels suspiciously like a sneaky 750M effort and my muscles are complaining. I'm too knackered to whinge!! We get back to the club and as we're hauling the boat up the ramp Tim laughingly suggests I look knackered. I was, I am, I will be......

The sensible thing would've been to go home and lie down in a dark room. Instead I listen to Marcus explain some hyrdo dynamic do dah stuff which makes me thirsty. Fiona suggests a pit stop and Graham, Ross, Fiona and I head for the White Cross and some beer, peanuts and crisps. This passes for my evening meal and after a small number of beers I leave to walk home....My scooter knows the script.