Monday 1st

I'm back from my hols and leaning on the balcony watching Monday night proceedings with Graham.....its all a bit chilly and it feels Autumnal. We're waiting for Trev, who's out with some Juniors, coz we're doing our K4 training for Nottingham. Superb athletes and canoeists that we are we only need the odd 45 mins of "tuning" to prepare ourselves....

Trev returns and the boats slung in the water and we climb in....Trev gets in at three....er...and Nev's driving!! OhMyGod. We do the usual warm-up to Eel pie with Trev muttering about a lean to the left. Bottoms arere-adjusted (at least mine was) but he still reckons there's a lean. No one else can detect it and I suspect he was looking for something to do...Nevs driving is fine tho we do take the tourist route occasionally but Trev's a terrible back-seat driver and Nev doesn't get a moments peace....

First 4 min effort is OK, just short of TYM. Second up to lock is even better and we're all blowing a bit by the time the beeps go. (must get Trev to turn the volume down on his pacemaker). Nev executes a splendid turn and we take a breather before starting some two minute efforts.

We're doing well on them and its hanging together rather nicely. We eventually line-up for the last one at the top of Glovers and then blast off with arms pumping and our heads down....which is why we didn't see the double scull heading upriver...I'm the first to look up and fortunately the first thing that comes into my head is rowing related and I shout "oars!!". Nev swerves left and the rowers swerve to our right avoiding a nasty collision. We're still pumped up so we finish off with a storming 100M down to the club. I sense we're ready for big things at Nottingham.

Tuesday 2nd

I'm doing an "Aquatic First Aid" course run by Paul Newman of the BCU tonite and in best ER tradition I come armed with a stethoscope and some scalpels. There's ten of us on the course and we start off with some ABC (airways, breathing and circulation) stuff before going onto to CPR (cardio, pulmonary resuscitation) and finishing off with some notes on Hypo/Hyper thermia.

Its useful stuff and Paul’s doing a good job of answering our questions:

Ross: “Should we knock someone unconscious if they’re not relaxed enough?
Paul: “No”… (so that’s definitely a “NO” Ross, OK?)

Tim: “Can we use condoms instead of gloves?”
Paul: “That depends”
Tim: “On what”
Paul: “On how well you know the casualty”

Claudia: [on Asthma attacks] “What if we can’t help them?”
Paul: “Leave them to die…. Or you can Call 999”

More stuff on Thursday night when we’re going to be doing wounds, hear attacks and practising resuscitation (snogging with strangers who aren’t breathing). Can’t wait.

Thursday 4th

Second session of the 1st aid course. Paul sets up some “scenarios” for us to deal with and before we know it there are people, drowning, breaking limbs, bleeding to death and in shock all over the place. My first casualty is Debs whose faking an injury she sustained on her first day at the club. “Had to much to drink then?” I ask. She gives me a hard stare before slipping into feigned unconsciousness. Ross is busy faking fainting and Zdenka is doing a fab job of looking like she’s been poisoned and stabbed at the same time. Its more of an acting workshop than a first aid one...

Lots of dummies are inflated with Ross doing his best to blow the chest of some unfortunate (plastic) volunteer while I kneel on what would’ve been the legs of my dummy shouting “Nellie the elephant went to town to say goodbye to the circus…” whilst applying heart massage. It’s a rhythm thing apparently. Paul teaches us about allergic reactions, various kinds of wounding, poisoning and suspicious malarkey. More scenarios including breakages (which had to be paid for, obviously) and I reckon we’re now all dab hands at the recovery position, CPR, DR-ABC, WARR and lots of other acronyms plus some stuff on Vagal Inhibition which can’t be printed in a family blog...

The session ends and Paul announces we’ve all passed tho Ross needs to spend more time on his “bedside manner”. He looks pleased and starts asking for telephone numbers. I refuse to give him mine.

(NB. Huge thanks to Paul Newman for giving up his time to teach the course. Much appreciated by all who attended)

Friday 5th

Who knows where Neil was today or on Wednesday, he is keeping silent about it but one guesses they were spent with some of his myriad of female admirers – ed

Saturday 6th Nottingham Interclub Regatta. Day 1 – 1000M stuff

6:00am – 9:00am
Fiona and I start out at 6am for Nottingham and with a following wind we make it by eight (I’ve no idea how we did that). Drop Fi off for her first race and spend 45 minutes acquainting myself with new tent. It’s a short but unequal struggle and I finally give in and read the instructions before taking it down and putting it back up again (I’m a bloke OK?)

Arrive at the Richmond pitch to find everything in full swing, I get my boat off Tim’s car (which is attracting a lot of attention from passersby). Richmond’s put up a huge number of people and I think there’s 50+??? Dunno but there’s red shirts winning stuff all over the place with the girls up first followed by Geezers C + D.

10:00 – 13:00
My first race isn’t until 12.15…. so I leave it until 11.30 before getting my boat weighed (13Kg!!), trying to find out what lane I’m in, finding my paddles, my bar + toggle, T shirt fitting my seat …... gasp …to find out I’ve go no number holder on my Jag (how often do you race Neil?). Bugger. Lots of Tim’s gaffer tape later I finally chuck the boat in the water and do the quickest 1000M of the day up to the start line. Tired? Just a bit. However, I’m an old hand at the 10 secs bleep stuff and I shoot off the line while the other vets are still adjusting their zimmers. Nev, who’s in the same heat, gets his adjusted first and storms ahead. I’ve no chance of catching him and I settle down to a steady pace for the next 500M. I finally cross the line in 6th which to be honest is naff but a result nonetheless. Nev wins, Graham is second in his and Tim is 3rd in his? I’m in the 4th final ……. mmm. Graham continues to deny that sprinting is his main aim but is doing suspiciously well in all of his races….

4:00 – 16:00
The days hotting up and I manage to do my 1000M final without embarrassing myself tho thanks to Rupert for giving me support from the warm-up lane! I’m not able to give much response but he’s shouting at me to up my rate, burn, go faster etc. Some hope….. and I cross the line exhausted.

Richmond are doing splendidly and winning loads of stuff and I hear we’re in 4th place overall. The two Sues, Fiona, Liz, Zdenks and Sarah are all closely matched and their final is like a red shirt wedge coming down the “pond”….I’m starting to lose my voice from all the shouting (which Richmond seem to be winning at). Trev and I somehow manage to make the A final for the 1000M K2 but frankly I’ve not much left so dunno where we’ll come...

16:00 – 18:00
Its me and Trev in the K2 1000M and we’re up against the Stonehouses, we snarl at them in the warm-up land and attempt to cut them up but they’re in the “zone” so we resort to gossiping with the other vets while the starter sorts herself out. We eventually line up and the beep goes, Trev and I are fab at starting and for the first 30 strokes we look great. It’s a trudge after that and by the time we “surge” at 900m we’re way down the field. Still we survived without attracting the ire of the officials or the attentions of the safety boat….

We did a K4 as well mixed in with all of this but I can’t actually remember much about it. I think we may have come third in some final or other????? Dunno I may have been to exhausted to register exactly what race, boat or crew I was part of…. If any.

18:00 – Midnight ++
The racing finishes and the party begins. BBQ’s are got out and bits of meat slung on and bottles of the hard stuff broken out. Theres lots of Frisbie throwing and shouting and by the time we’ve finished the place looks like a bombsite. Trev arrives with his Fish + Chips and donates some Eastern Block fire water to ensure I’m not capable of anything the following day. Ta Trev. Its your fault y’know? Zdenks, Ivana and Mar Frisbie till the bitter end but I think I’ve had enuff and crawl into my sleeping bag…

Sunday 7th Nottingham Interclub Regatta. Day 2 – 500M stuff

9:15 – 10:00
Bloody hell. I’m hovering behind the start line for my 500M heat (Tim’s in it as well) and its payback time. My body’s yelling at my head to get back into bed whilst my head is saying “It wasn’t my idea to drink that stuff”. Alter ego is sniggering at the whole thing while Id is still drunk lying low and my sub conscious has decided to start muttering about commitment, effort and all that. I tell all of them to “Shut up!!” (who said that?) and edge past the oil drums that double as a starting pontoon to the start line.. Where I fall in…..

The starter invites me to get back into my boat (gee thanks) and I scramble back in. The bleep goes and I gingerly edge down the course coz I’m cold and a bit embarrassed!!

10:00 – 16:00
Things start to happen, with people being disqualified for “weighing” irregularities, the Richmond C woman’s K4 capsizing another K4 plus Doug and Ross executing the fastest capsize of the day 10M from the end of their 500M race. Damn.

We take over the pontoon next to the finish line and line it with deck chairs with the aim of intimidating other paddlers as they get in/out of the water. Excitement builds as we win more races tho Bernard manages a capsize near the end of his race. Somebody spots “Trevor” in a K1 race and we all bellow like mad….until Trev appears from his car to ask what the noise is all about.

Races are coming thick and fast with the club K2s in big demand. We finish our 500M final and dash back to the pontoon to be immediately replaced by an anxious Richmond crew. In a ploy to up our points total Mark and Tim late enter the touring C2 2.5KM and come 3rd!! The start was a bit rough but our boys are well known brawlers and came through it unscathed. The vets K4 500M has thankfully been reduced to one race and we fire up our muscles for one last charge. How we get to the finish I’ve no idea but I gratefully crawl out of the boat and head for the (somewhat superheated) showers...

The scoring system is complex and we don’t know exactly where the club is placed as the Woman’s C final take place. However it looks like it could be third which is a great result. I give Zdenks and Fiona a lift back to London which takes twice as long as it did the other way round. Eventually get home and collapse into bed Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

8th Sept - 12th Sept - Week off, plate spinning & Contemplating stuff

Now, looking at the Nottingham (interclub regatta) results it seems obvious to me that in order give myself a chance of winning the Men's Vet B 500M and 1000M finals I have to paddle in them. Which, stay with me, means I have to paddle 15 & 30 seconds (respectively) faster than I did two weeks ago.

Further, that means I have to beat the current British MVBK1 500M + 1000M champions in the process....(sound of BCU regatta results being flicked thru).....that'll be.....er....Nev & Graham respectively. Bugger.

Well at least it doesn't sound as onerous as my last plan which was to do the DW and....beat Nev & Graham in that. Bugger again. They get everywhere, I was thinking of entering the touring C2 class but for gods sake don't let them know, they're medal monsters and won't be happy until they've tracked down every last medal opportunity in the vets paddling world. I hear Peter B and Mark P are joining us in this esteemed category which makes it even harder. Might have to take up something else. Any suggestions?

Monday 15th September

Put initial part of "Big Plan" into action which is to start swimming at lunch time in order to build my aerobic fitness. Don goggles and Lycra speedos then thrash up and down Epsom municipal for 40 minutes. Apart from near drowning and being overtaken by a septuagenarian the swim was good.....if a bit wet.

Arrive at club, retrieve tax disc from Steve The Eagle (thanks) then plonk boat in water ready for a float. Sue and Ollie catch me up and tell me that Marcus is taking us for a session. Sue and I paddle off quickly but Ollie catches us up and says Marcus has seen us so we'll have to do it. Right.

Long effort to TYM with Marcus bellowing at the ever excitable Sam to "Slow down!!! THIS IS NOT A RACE". It is, of course, and we're all keen to win it. Sue manages to open a gap and I can hear Ollie and Sam chasing me down like a hunted rabbit. Still, it all ends amicably and we float around recovering for the next one. We do some wash hanging from the lock to the bottom of Eel Pie tho Marcus only tells me its the end of the Island after I've busted a gut trying to get to the top. Thanks, everyone shoots past and I have to be content sitting on the wave 10M back....which was nice if not exactly competitive.

We do a 500 to the bottom of Glovers which I win (hurrah!) tho Sue claims a "technical capsize" which means she faffed around on top of a couple of waves whilst I, being in the super heavyweight boat, ploughed thru them. Felt good tho.

Sue & I retire to pub for well earned dinner and beer. We meet Phil whose on shandy but he's from Swansea so I expect they all do that there?

Tuesday 16th

Lunchtime and I clamber into slightly damp Lycra, adjust goggles and do 40 lengths of the pool. I'm not sure if its my thing coz there's not much "gear" involved in swimming. Enjoyable tho. Get to club about 6 and find the boys looking keen (Sue & Phil) but I'm thinking its gonna be hard work. In fact Melissa volunteers to do the session and Shanghais a few juniors (Ollie, Sam and the "twins" tho they might just be sisters) into it as well. Melissa does a very good Marcus impression and yells at the Juniors to avoid going through the group and to go round, slow down, stop chatting and generally stop acting like the seniors. Dunno how they felt but I was scared.

We do 6 x 3 mins with me taking ever longer leads as my famed endurance starts to ebb away. Resort to wash hanging one of the girls in order to get to the end of the last effort before scooting back to the raft. Drink tea and waffle about racing with the others before heading home.

Weds 17th

Play badders at lunch time, this is also part of "Big Plan" then get sent to Hemel Hempstead for pointless meeting. Miss 10K as a result (there is a god)

Thursday 18th

Body hasn't handled yesterdays badders session very well and I nearly shout for help trying to ease myself into the Jag. My upper body is completely stiff altho this does have the bonus of keeping my arms straight for a change........bit difficult to bend at the elbow on exit but you can't have everything. Graham joins Sue, Phil, Zdenka, Liz, Mark and myself along with Rolly whose running the session. Graham claims he's been on the water since 4 (likely story)

Now, Rolly said it was going to be "a few" 1000M+ efforts which I took to mean say....5? I have to bail out at 6 (Phil says they eventually did 9) and I sneak off at the top of Eel Pie. Its nearly pitch black by this time and I pick the pace up. However I can hear the steady and familiar "Splish Splosh" of Graham's paddles and it turns out he's skiving too. We splash our way back to the raft with me narrowly avoiding a coots nest moored next to wassisname's raft.

The others eventually arrive back and Graham, Zdenka, Phil and I make it down to the Slug for some of the hard stuff and some nosh. We have to sit outside coz Phil smells and Zdenka has to keep an eye on her bike. Hypothermia begins to set in so we move our interesting discussion on Steak & Kidney pudding versus Chezch dumplings, inside. Zdenka's English is coming along in leaps and bounds and her pudding vocabulary is impressive. World politics is a bit skimpy tho. We try out some French, Graham claims he learnt his from a Polish girl he met in Paris whilst bus-boying, their relationship somewhat restricted to linguistic exchanges by the presence of her mother......"Madame, Je pense que votre fille et tres Jolliet"....."Keep your hands off her"....her command of English was, apparently, very good.

The Party - Sat 20th

Phil & I wonder round Richmond looking for a stuffed cat. None to be found so I have to settle for a small sheep. I return home to try out the rest of my costume (an eye patch) and prepare for the party (I have akip)

Party is in half swing when we get there with some baddies and babes already showing signs of wear and tear.....My sheep attracts derisory remarks (thanks) and my eye patch prevents me from accurately locating my beer or indeed dance partners. More baddies arrive but frankly some babes arriving look alot like blokes....I decide I've clearly not had enough to drink and speed up my intake. Fortunately manage to bag some of the excellent food, Alison's done an amazing job on the catering front and Ross has put in a fab performance on the burger flipping side. Various people staff the bar including a Sheriff and a sort of twiggy look-alike. I order more lager.

My eye patch is causing me to have moments of delusion in which I believe young women in damp dresses (water pistol leakage...possibly) are pressing themselves against me in order to dry off. I drink more lager in order to correct the problem but this has a deleterious effect on my shepherding and I lose my sheep. There's a competition for the best Bond baddie & babes during which my sheep made a reappearance ( but didn't win) and bizarrely the ugliest babe won !! Didn't get my vote but I was howled down by the, rather dodgy looking, transsexual contingent.

Costumes are in fact rather good with Peter B. in a wetsuit, some er...."Miss Galores" in cat suits, 60's Chicks (Debs I think), Cross dressers (usual suspects), Snorkellers, Devils, and Charlotte sprayed in gold....marvellous. I attempt to take stabilise my situation and drink more lager.

Subsequently, although possibly before, I weave out onto the balcony for some fresh air and watch the Bond "Skinny dipping" competition taking place from the raft. The girls seem quite keen to watch and Zdenka correctly identifies all competitors from the "rear view". I shake my head, wondering how that's possible, do they have their names tattooed on their bottoms?, she must have good eyesight. I stagger to the dance floor for some more "wash hanging" and before I can say 'whaaaa....[burp]' its time to go home......Which I manage with more dignity than i deserve.

Sunday 21st September

You snooze you loose in this business, its 11 am and I'm sat in the jag wondering when the vasodilatory effects of excessive alcohol (I read that in the Guardian, dunno wot it means) are going to hit me. Sue and Paul arrive and we head off to the lock at hangover pace. We approximate wash hanging on the way back though it was all a bit loud if you ask me.

Sue wants to do some "starts" which is a relief coz about 30 seconds of effort is all I'm capable of. So we do that kind of stuff down Eel Pie then I hop onto the Merrie Thames' wash back to the lock. Having got there I realise its a long way home so I hop back on as the MT turns round and cruise back. After short fracas with some oik fisherman blocking the raft I get changed, do some foot dangling & drinking outside the Slug then head to Croydon for some rum tasting.

Monday 22nd - Friday 26th September

Gave up drinking for a week....can't remember a thing which, if you ask me, is counter intuitive. I did do lots of paddling (really) but its all very fuzzy. I think I went swimming (Intentionally)

Saturday 27th

Still not having had a drink (part of the "Big Plan") but its all going pear shaped. I did go out and I did fall in (it was cold).....Unfortunately incident was near the boat pontoons at the lock and the only exit point involved shinning up some slime covered rope, lying down in some er...goose shit...emptying the boat, getting back in (with great difficulty) and finally paddling back to the club. Covered in goose poo. A poor start to the weekend.

Afternoon was spent acquiring BCU three star award (thanks Tim) which involved: some more falling out, breaking in (sort of water based burglary), breaking out, paddling backwards, various drawstrokes (there's more than one then?) and ferry gliding backwards (news to me) plus lots of other stuff.

Sunday 28th

Arrive to find people preening, applying 'slap' and shouting "CUT!!".....all very Hollywood. The launch is out with Trev driving and Tim doing his Tarantino thing. We're ordered up and down the river like extras in Sparticus 'sans' Roman orgies.....Well, at least, I didn't see any. There may have been something sordid going on somewhere but I wasn't close enough to the "action" to know. Have to wash hang the launch to keep up with Sue but then nearly fall out laughing as Trev guns the engine and Tim does a comedy somersault, ending up shooting seagulls. They could've been geese.

Get back to the club and watch the video....have to cover eyes as my lack of technique, speed and visible effort becomes apparent. Everyone else looks pretty good and Trev & Tim have done a fab job of capturing the whole thing on film. Vow to come in disguise next time. Kirk Douglas perhaps?

Help (well, "watched") Tim reattach raft to the bank the go home for a kip. Wake up then go for a curry with Paul, Karl, Penny & Tony. Leave phone at pub where its used by drunken regulars to ring Peruvian speaking clock.

Monday 29th

With yesterdays video firmly in mind (No no, not "Debbie Does Dallas", the kayaking one...) I arrive at the club intending to do some technique work. Karl, who was due to arrive for a K2 outing is nowhere to be seen so I launch the Jag before it gets dark. Sue trying out her cougar so we head off to the lock. She whinges all the way to the lock but I took the precaution of wearing earplugs so I smile and shout "Uh-uh" alot until we get to the Traffic lights.. Remove ear plugs hoping that Sue has finished her monologue...."You're such a good listener" she says. I put the ear plugs back in and we head downstream with me attempting to do the "High Hands" thing whilst Sue manages to paddle and talk at the same time. I change my response to "Yeah?" with the odd "Really?" thrown in and we manage to get back to the raft before it gets to dark.

Sue asks me why I replied "Yeah" to the "Does this Cougar make my bum look big?" question but I tell her I thought she'd said "Are ear plugs effective?". Might have got away with it...might not. Chat to Richard H. who announces he's just bought a new K2 for the DW, apparently the Hungarian chap assured him its the fastest boat they've got. Probably. And the lightest. Give or take a few kilos (of what...he didn't say).

Make way to White Swan to retrieve phone, check messages, there are two, one from Peruvian Telecoms (Speaking clock dept) telling me its 2.00AM and the other from a Bolivian escort agency asking how many "escorts" I require. Check the "Big Plan" which doesn't seem to mention such things so I text back "5".