Tuesday 1st - Friday 3rd

Rather lax on the kayaking front. Work demands starting to intrude on paddling.....have yet more heated discussions with boss about "stretch objectives". He thinks winning men's Vet B 500M at Nottingham not really appropriate objective and insists I "rethink". I do and suggest I replace it with a top three finish in the 1000M. Boss agrees.

Sat 4th

Take Regina K2 out with Karl. Its our first outing ever and I tell him he's got to drive as he can rate higher than me and I've got to catch up on some sleep. We wobble away from the raft and giggle up to Eel Pie, we pass Ross and Charmian who are stung into action and begin to race us towards TYM. We feign rudder problems and let them get away.....

After more lurching and staggering we reach the lock and take a breather. There's a contemplative silence as we both mull over our chances of staying upright in the boat for the Elmbridge race tomorrow (which is our plan). Heading back to the club we join Liz & Rox's group for a bit but then realise that despite everything we are........to fast for them !! Unbelievable but the camera never lies so we canter off down past Eel pie with Phil wash hanging.

We drop Phil coz he's he wants to practice starts (he needs to!!) and pick up Zdenka who wash hangs us down to the road bridge and back to the club. "You have a very wide and big wash...very good" she says. Thanks Zdenka...we'll take that as a compliment then?

Sat 4th Birthday Party

Its Zdenka's 22nd birthday and its my er...birthday as well. I'm a little older. Alot. Hence forgetting to do all other things I was tasked to do. Zdenka pulls out her list and frowns..."you haven't done any of them!!". Ah...rush round begging people to help and Tim finds the lights left over from the Bond party and Ross 'n Steve help me rearrange the furniture....Which Zdenka re-arranges returning to the galley to direct operations.

I eat cheese biscuits and write things under Zdenka's photos but have to draw pictures of myself as I haven't got any from when I was young (the glass plates haven't survived). It suddenly goes dark and.....then its all over. The bits in-between are a little confused but I remember "snake bites" which Trev seemed to like, Scottish country dancing (eh?), fab food (Zdenka again), a "Non drinking" certificate (well deserved I think), drinking games, lots of very happily drunk people reeling and shouting which is when the darkness thing happened. Seems other people had fun too, with Adrian showing a trainspotters dedication to collecting phone numbers ("You snooze you loose" as Karl would say) and various other liaisons formed and broken as the night wore on. The whole thing eventually stopped at 2.30'ish and homes were weaved to. Tim & Graham slip into unconsciousness and have to sleep it off at the club.

(Thanks to everyone who came and those that couldn't come because I either A) invited you to late or B) In fact arrived late with no excuse but looking quite pleased with themselves. You know who you are, one of you has hairy legs)

More thanks to those who helped Zdenka with the food (Heidi) and me with the furniture/lights not to mention the washer-uppers and all that. One of the most memorable birthday parties that I've every had (at least, for the right reasons) and I believe Zdenka thought it was rather fab too.

Sun 5th Elmbridge Marathon

I'm at the club, its 8.45, a huge mistake surely? No, we're racing and despite looking dishevelled with bloodshot eyes and an enormous hangover I'm ready for y'know.... whatever. Throb...Thud, Throb...Thud, Throb..Thud.

Karl & I (we're a team right?) cadge a lift with Nev & Graham and we follow Tim, wearing Chauffeurs cap, in the Sunbeam + Trailer towards Elmbridge. Lots of other people making the trip and the suns managed to make an appearance as well.

We quickly register for the Div 7/8 K2 race (Tim & Jo are in our Div too) fling the K2 on the water and paddle smartly up to the start line. We'd fitted low'ish seats which made the experience less wobbly but not so stable that we weren't giggling nervously waiting for the starters gun. Which was our first mistake coz nobody told us THERE IS NO STARTING GUN. Oh well, wasn't a bad start and we tucked in behind some girls from Royal lying third. We do the wash hanging thing with me bellowing directions from the back trying to curb Karl's natural enthusiasm for girls in Lycra. Tim & Jo are in a wobbly 4th place.

We settle down for a "tactical" race figuring that although the girls are: A) Better paddlers than us B) stronger and C) look like they've raced before they are most unlikely to attempt to cheat. We can't think of how to cheat but spend the middle section of the race making a plan. Its the last turn when we make our move, edging up next to them...... "PANTS ON FIRE...COMING THRU"....the girls are startled and pause for a second. We need no second chance and shoot past them onto the first boat.

Which is being crewed by a father and son outfit. Hmmm...they're a bit good and test us with a couple of "burns". We keep up but only just and they know one more burn will kill us.......it does and 200M from the finish they steam off, race won. We settle for 2nd, a good laugh and a surprising hangover cure.

Collect our T-shirts at the prize giving, enduring the icy stares of 40 sets of parents. Karl punches the air and shouts "Yesssssssss...eat foam...Richmond rules!!!". We're asked to leave.

We head for the bridge to watch Richard & Henry behave splendidly at the bridge portage to sneak a lead and subsequently win their race. Nev, Sue, Rox, Ellie, Phil, Nick, Andy, Richard & Peter put in Fab performances as does Doug (12 miles does seem a long way?). The new pairings of Ross and Mark put in a credible effort in a tough race and a similar story for the returning Kim paddling with Fiona. More fab junior performances from Ollie and the irrepressible Sam and as ever Richmond lead the swimmers with Phil, Graham and Vince all taking a dip (Phil would like to thank Trevor for picking him up by the scruff of the neck and plonking him back in the boat)

A really good day with plenty of bankside support from Trev, Fancis, Liz and Collin not to mention Craig waving the camera.

Thurs 9th - Frid 17th

I'm on my hols for a week so if anyone wants to "Guest" the blog then email Craig and he can post it.

No particular rules but keep it clean (innuendo, lies and falsification perfectly acceptable) and make sure its as witty and funny as the foregoing entries. (A blank page should do it.)

c u a week on Sat.

Thursday 9th - Guest Tim

As the genuine Blogg is away on holiday, he's allowed one of us professionals to stand in and dish the real dirt.

Being autumn, the evening paddles are now conducted in the dark with the aid of lights.

The famous five - Craig, Sue, Sarah, Karl and myself decided on some 'races to places' for about an hour.

Sue declared she was feeling wobbly, so was set off ahead of the rest of us to 'keep clear of our washes'. No one could catch her, so she was given less of a lead each time. Even when she went off last, she still won - I do hate being conned like that. She then decided to go into stealth mode, and gave her head torch to Craig. That made him light headed and even slower.

Returned to club, watched video shot by light headed camera man at Elmbridge race last Sunday. Retired to the Rose of York in the Sunbeam, complete with chauffeur, to allow Craig to continue chatting up his favourite barmaid.

Thurs 9th - Thurs 16th October

Hols went very well, spent week at "sporting" hotel called La Santa....

Win my first International race - The La Santa (Lanzagrotty) Long Course Kayak race. The competition was stiff....due to old age but I did manage the course in a new record time. Narrowly avoided disqualification after going the wrong side of the first buoy but supporters shouted out wrong number and Hans from Germany got disqualified instead. I sportingly kept my mouth shut.

Manage to overdo the gym whilst there, strain both bicep tendons doing "curls". Damage not apparent until next morning when I am unable to lever body off sunlounger I had "fallen asleep" on during the previous evenings footie celebrations. Fortunately only racquet sports affected and still able to kayak and drink (not at the same time).

PS. Thanks to guest blogger. Will encourage other guests to step in when I'm on "Prison" breaks.

Friday 17th

Day off so take Jag for a wobbly spin. Also try out new found expertise at "Sculling drawstroke". Jag misunderstands object of exercise and thinks I'm practising capsize drill and whoooa!! is that water c...c...cold...

Make way back to club in the teeth of a northerly "breeze" with skin beginning to match the colour of the boat.

Saturday 18th

Using new coaching timetable I work out which group I'm in. Sue's skiving with a cold but Phil, Sarah + fellow southern hemisphere person Mike join Marcus for a 6 x 4, 6 x 2 with 1 minute rest type of session.. Stevie The Eagle also joins us as he's recovering from his motorbike accident and is covered in bruises and needs sympathy from slow people. I have an O level in German so he gets none from me. I manage to fall in (this is becoming a habit) and Whooooa!! is that water still c...c...cold. Get back in and finish the session. God I'm tough.

Return to the club to find my seat has been stolen again but my buoyancy aid has returned. Suspect buoyancy aid, seat and spray deck have all been involved in a certain descent race and vow to match said equipment which is becoming more experienced than I am.

Watch the rugger at the Slug where we (nearly) manage to avoid the trumphalism that normally accompanies the ritual thrashing of the South Africans. Leave to watch another (real) rugby match then back to the White Cross for cheerio drinks with Dani (bye and good luck).

Sunday 19th

While other people go racing in Windsor (results not known yet) Sue, Paul & I go for session to the lock. Everyone threatens to take out their favourite wobbly boat but I'm the only one that delivers as I elect to take Paul's Jag out. Its alot lighter than mine so it feels great but I'm mindful of its history which involves at least one Olympic games so I try not to break it.

Session over, Sue & I retire to the Cricketers for Sunday lunch and I explain my "Big Plan" over Spotted Dick and Custard. Sue comments that I need to start doing some of it. I agree. Go home and have a sleep, which is part of the plan.

Tues 22

Oh good. If its tuesday and its dark then that must mean CIRCUITS. Meet Graham who is the way out (in more ways than one) and he laments the lack of mid week drinking sessions, I let him have a swig of aftershave from my hip flask and he staggers off into the nite.

Back in the gym the usual suspects line up plus some juniors (Sam, Lizzie, Ollie et. al) who already look far to fit for this sort of thing. Bearing in mind my holiday gym disaster (see last week) I choose girly weights for this session whilst everyone one else (who are 2 sessions ahead of me) choose geeza weights.

The session is arduous and too terrifying to describe but its soon over and I''m still in one piece at the end (minus about 2 litres of sweat). Trish gives Me, Phil and Fiona some technique stuff on the paddle ergos. Power circle two (PC2) seems to be our (collective) problem and Trish flexes her muscles to show which ones are engaged in the technique. I attempt to do the same but to be honest my muscles have long been "disengaged" and even if they were I'm not sure their engagement would be terribly apparent.

Go home and adjust "Big Plan" to accommodate PC2 into my training, make note to find out what PC1 is.

Weds 23 - Sunday 27

Have to skip Thurs nite paddle coz I've managed to get a cold and in fact only Phil from the "Groovy Gang" manages to make it. (Well done). and similar excuse means I don't go down the gym either. Big plan starting to look under pressure...Sue also not very well but suspect her "Big Plan" is somewhat further along the line than mine.

Weekend spent in Birmingham means I won't have done anything since circuits last week, might have some catching-up to-do.

Tues 28th

Gulp. circuits again. More usual suspects including Trevor, who is very suspect. I lose it on the first circuit and nearly end up re-examining my lunch. More people arrive which means the next "circuit" involves more stations. Complete second circuit but collapse in disbelief as yet more people arrive and more stations are added. At the end of the last circuit Fiona looks concerned and asks me if I'm OK. "I'm fine....but could you lift this medicine ball off my chest".

Thurs 30th

Manage to wangle early exit from work and take Jag out for a saunter up river. Its raining and the tide is belting in but the session isn't too bad tho have to finish it in the dark. My new headlamp behaves splendidly and as the tide is fully in I float onto the towpath startling a passing cyclist.

Arrange wet clothes and feet on radiator whilst chatting with Tim and drinking tea. Who said men can't multitask? Various people with headlamps appear then disappear into the night and Sue finally turns up so we can get onto the water. I don wet clothes and against my best instincts sling the Jag onto the river (tide now belting out).

How bad can this be? Very bad. The jag zig zags past Glovers snagging debris until a large plume of water emits from the bow. I'm starting to freak out as my paddle clangs against various bits of wood floating around then Sue shouts a warning about an "enormous plank". "Stop calling me FRANK!!" I shout back before colliding with it. Fully freaked out I paddle at half speed during the efforts and start getting grumpy...bugger. Its all too much and the wind picks up making it all the more fraught and we eventually pitch up at the raft with nerves shredded.....a splendid outing.