Sun 15th - Waterside A Report

Preparation

Begin preparation for race the night before. Celeb insists on celebrating Valentines day with bottle of champagne, Thai Food and more wine which leads, at about 12 O'clock to.....unconsciousness. Exactly 6 and a half hours of rather broken sleep later I leave Celeb snoring gently and make way to club

Club is busy with people adjusting boats and looking purposeful but I only manage to lean against Tim's car trying not to look queasy. Boats are strapped to the V-Bars and Chris, Tim, Craig and myself head off to Great Bedwin. I have much needed two hour "power snooze" and arrive at venue perky and alert. Sort of.

Pre-Race

I adjust newly purchased "Watering System" which has an Ice making compartment with separate Gin and tonic reservoirs and make way to Check In. We've underestimated exactly how much its going to cost by exactly 10 quid so I blag a tenner off Alex (from the "Will & Grace" boat) and we decide which category to enter. The "Veteran Drinking" category is full so we enter "Veterans" and eventually get our number (212 if you're interested). Tim's driving and I'm reargunner as we sling the boat onto the canal and make our way to start. 10.30 spot on.

Race

Start is excellent with Tim surging away at the front and me squinting thru haze at back trying to do something approximating a paddle stroke. Get to the first portage and we "go long" up against the lock gates with Tim shouting "Brrrrrraaaaaaakesss!!!" at the last moment. We thud, gently, into the side and scramble out, trot round the lock, back in, no bother. Only another 20 to go.

Portages come and go and due to lack of (my) stamina and depleted G+T reservoir we decide to walk most of them Well, I reckon I was carrying the heaviest bit of the boat what with Tim being a foot taller and sloshing all that water in it. Huh.

My "tights" are starting to sag and I spend a considerable amount of time adjusting them as we portage, in fact I'm so busy hauling them up I fail to notice Doug at lock 5 and manage to; stab him in the foot with my paddle, jab him in the ribs with the boat and finally elbow him back towards the canal. He's terribly polite and accepts my apologies with the air of someone used to dealing with idiots wielding paddles and adjusting Lycra. He paddles off into the distance as we clamber back into the boat.

People come and go and we get passed by Charmian and Melissa, Tim edges up for a wash hang and a chat but Melissa barks at us to "Clear off" which we do....sharpish. We watch them clear the canal on this basis for the next few hundred yards. Think Melissa could take a masterclass in "Frightening off wash hangers- The Enforcer". Watch this space.

Mars bar and juice are consumed but I finally hit a wall at about 10 miles, I'm grumpy in the boat at the best of times but Tim doesn't take it personally and responds to my pleading to slow down a bit. Mars bar eventually kicks in and we settle down into a faster rhythm.

Spot Sarah and Charlotte capsizing at a portage and ask them if they're OK, a gurgled "yes" is enough for us and we speed on. They eventually catch us and Charlotte chides us for not stopping. Make mental note to bring hankie for mopping up tears next time.

Chris & Craig Capsize - whilst "putting in", Craig momentarily manages to keep his feet dry attempting to do a cartoon "log rolling" impression but eventually succumbs to gravity and slides in. We scoot round them oozing sympathy and concern. At least I was, Tim shouts "beers on you". They get their own back by haring past us like scalded cats and eventually beat us by several minutes. Beers on us then?

Graham & Nev - Come Charging past at a hott'ish pace looking every inch the hard nosed racers they really are. We wave cheerily but they're in the groove and seem intent on chasing some chaps in Worcester vests (and a boat obviously). Joe and Nick also pass us and someone shouts something about timing. Couldn't have been directed at us, we were perfect.

We get "Hendron'd" as they squeeze past us close to the bank with a clatter of paddles and serious expressions and "Canal Rage" is evident as Tim cuts up anyone we can. Fab stuff, I'm almost beginning to enjoy this.

Linda and Rox ease by and I'm beginning to believe that we're not quite as fast as I think we are. Still can't be that far can it? I make an enquiry with the driver and Tim replies "Think its 3 miles to go". Bugger!! I thought it was more like half a mile. Dunno what happened but we quickly get to the last two portages where we see Sarah and Charlotte looking stressed as their rudder's broken. We would've stopped, honest, but er.....Tim...er....anyway we jump in at the last portage and make an heroic sprint for the finish. Hooter hoots, Tim sighs with relief and I faint. Good race all round.

Results

A rather fantastic presence from Richmond with fifteen K2 crews and four K1

The Hendrons 1:53
Graham and Nev 1:58
Doug 2:07 (Sorry Doug)
Nick & Joe 2:11
Rowing girls (Guin & Louise) 2:13 (well done, DW should be a breeze then?)
Milos and Bernard 2:21
Craig & Chris 2:21
Will & Grace (er...Alex) 2:23
Charmie & Melissa (Grrrr...) 2:16
Tim & Nick 2:17
Rox and Linda 2:18
Sam 2:21 (The Fiver's yours, tho think you should've put him in earlier)
Peter 2:21
Howard & Fiona 2:21
Me + Tim, 2:28
Sarah & Charlotte do it backwards across the line in 2:31
Ben & Damian 2:32
Betina and Ben 2:40
Sue 2:45

Tues 17

Effin' circuits. Blind, eff, blind etc. ec. Body drags itself round circuits again. Newbie Nicola looks slightly aghast at club antics but joins in enthusiastically. "I'm defo coming next week" says she not realising that circuits at Richmond is a cult thing and if she doesn't appear next week we'll be sending someone round to find out why.....our motto being: "we are you're family now".....which is better than the original: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".

Wed 18

Famous Osteopath Ivan lawler drops in to give us a masterclass on "Core Stability". He's also 5 times world marathon champion which would've been nice to know before hand as I didn't find out until after I'd give him the wisdom of my knowledge on: "Paddling more than a mile without stopping".

Talk was very good with much about loose hamstings and "tight six packs" although its the other way round for me. Lots of excelent tips on "Swiss ball" technique, this is a bit like "Swiss Cheese" technique but with a big inflateable ball instead of....cheese. If my story's got holes in it it's because I'm running short of puns. Alrite?

Charmie and Jordan offer themseves up as volunteers for the demos and we all get to bounce aound on big balls and wobbly boards to test out our "core strength". Needless to say most of us fall off which makes a mockery of the club motto "Progredimur" or "We Progress". Should be "We Progress...unless our core stability is naff in which case we don't".

Thur 19

Join Phil and Craig for weekly Gym meet. We also try out some of the core stability exercises with the aim of offering them to Trev for "Effin' Circuits" on Tuesdays. Much larking around later we discover that there's quite a bit to this "Core Stab" stuff. Joe questions us about the mastercalss given by Ivan and we show him how to do press ups on a gym ball. With some satisfaction we watch him collapse to the ground after just one. Rupert also has trouble with the same exercise and I begin to realise Ivan may have something when he says "No point in having beach muscles unless you're on the pull....its core stability that matters".

True but if you are on the pull and all you've got to show is a taught, perfectly porportioned "Trans verse abdominal" I reckon your chances are....reduced. Of course once you've pulled you're obviously back in the driving seat, being able to control your TVA is to bedroom antics what the Penny Black is to philately......very rare.

21st & 22nd

Forgoe usual weekend pursuit of faffing around on the river getting bellowed at by Marcus and beaten by all and sundry. Instead I go to Bath for weekend with Celeb where we faff around at the Baths and loiter in tea shops. Celeb also finds tall persons shop; I sit on a very high chair swinging my legs watching tall women chosing clothes thinking that perhaps tall women might be quicker at it. They're not. Tho' celeb v cheerful at finding jeans that are the right length. We eat Cornish Pastie to celebrate.

Tues 24th

Circuits, Trev decides to ramp it up a bit so we do 30, 45 then 2 x 30. He also includes some core stability stuff wobbling the big ball around in a sort of press-up stance. Suprisingly a number of people slope away for the final 2 x 30, can't think why, its all a breeze really.

After I've had a lie down and the saline drip's been removed I join Phil and Sarah who are checking over our lease. We're moving into a flat on Richmond hill (how posh is that!) and I find them in deep discussion about some of the small print. Phil contends that "Tennant shall not allow immoral acts to take place on the premises" can't mean "Sheep bothering" as this is legal in Wales and quite possibly New Zealand. Sarah's pen hovers uncertainly over the document, wondering, not for the first time, what the hell she's let herself in for.

Thursday 26 Feb

Meet Craig and Phil for gym session though I arrive late. Don't do much as it turns into more of a social but just enough to strain muscles etc.

Attend first committee meeting....All very exciting, for example, the whereabouts of the constitution was raised and discussed at some length along with some chat about Craig's bike. The latter being illegally removed from the club's premises. Countermeasures were discussed and a decision was made to....ah...that's a secret....but Craig's Car Park observations (sleuthing) may come in useful as a model for deterring future events. Craig, Tim and I leave early for the pub and a briefing on the L2 coaching course...and beer, obviously.

Friday 27 Feb

L2 Coaching course, Offer Tim and Craig cherry flavoured hot lips which they chew contemplatively as we make our way to TYM. We eventually get on the water in canoes and circle "expertly" (coz we're coaches) round the lake doing various demonstrations and coaching sessions as we go. At least most of us did, our boat due to its racing design had a tendency for shooting off in straight lines and no amount of J-Stroking, Bow rudders or draw strokes seemed to alter its direction. Swearing seemed to help.

Saturday 28 Feb

The clubs busy and everyone wants to get onto the water at once. It's b-b-b-bloody cold so there's a good variety of hats on show. My favourite was Nev's Sherlock deerstalker effort tho' Kim's Court Jester was also worth a laugh. I pitched in with my 99p special which I thought looked very coach like.

Tim casts an eye over our "homework" which was to come up with a plan to run a session. I've got Wendy's group (improvers) so I've planned for an interval session involving three pyramids; 10 to 1, 8 to 1 and 6 to 1 with 10 x 1 minute sprints then a 10K time trial all finished off with a warm down to Hampton Court and back. Tim frowns crossing out the majority of the plan and pencils in "Pause paddling with 2 x 500M races". Which is more or less what I'd written.

Take everyone out and do warm up to Eel Pie. I have Will in the back who's trying out the Stiletto with an eye to using it in the DW with "Fats". Ask Charmie to demo pause paddling and we all head off up the RHS of the Island. Blimey, all going to plan. The group starts to spread out and I dash up and down like a sheep dog with Will attempting to anticipate my rather erratic zig zagging. Manage to get everyone together at the end and blag on about how well everyone did. Good stuff.

Turn at top and send off slowest three down the left hand side, very pleased with myself as stage 2 of plan gets going. Suddenly Charmie says "Er....rowing four!" and I turn round to see a quad of strapping lads belting past us and seemingly intent on "taking out" half my group. Alex's group has, meanwhile turned at the bottom of Eel Pie and head towards us strung out across the river look like they're not taking prisoners. Bugger...I close my eyes...then bellow in a rather panicky way at the backs of the disappearing racers. Amazingly (and as usual) everyone seems to avoid dying and we catch-up at the bottom of the Island (phew)

Last bit of pause paddling, during which Karl falls in then another race followed by; wash hanging, warm down, back to raft....where Errol falls in....I suspect a conspiracy but it all ends well and thanks to everyone for putting up with me for the morning.

People Passing L2 Coaching course: Me, Andy, Kim, Fiona, Charmie, Tim K. all splashing around on a river near you! Ta to Paul Newman (BCU) and Tim Joiner for running the course, much appreciated.