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Tuesday 2nd
Circuits! Usual suspects, usual effort, Trev in the driving seat with a familiar set of torture "stations" and a (now) familiar 35/45/2 x 30 structure. I can't say I will ever get to like circuits, I can't even say they're doing me any good and considering the state they leave me in I'm fairly sure they're shortening my life. However....erm...no, thats it; they're horrible, pointless and they're going to kill me. Sametime next week then?
Wednesday 3rd
Play badders, thrash short sighted octegenarian 15-13, 13-15, 17-15. I say "thrash"......perhaps "come within a hairs breadth of an embarrasing defeat" would be more...accurate.
Go out for dinner with Celeb, refuse to play pool on basis that my fragile ego could get hurt....its dangerous out there...
Thursday 4th
Gym nite and Phil, Craig and I pitch up at the club for some serious weights. Phil has spotted a "Core Stability" test that Trev has, rather incautiously, left lying around. We all have a go at it and the results are rather....revealing. Phil leads the way, being able to hold the "Plank" position for a full 60 seconds and easily achieving the same postion with one leg in the air followed by various other limb combinations. His core seems in good nick then. Craig and I have more mixed results, variously; collapsing to the floor, keeling over or crying. Our cores certainly need work. Juniors look on with interest, holding the "Plank" for an hour being a mere trifle for them. More of a Profiteroles with chocolate sauce for us.....
We're building up our weight lifting expertise and we've consulted Trev on how to measure our "one rep max". "Lift as much as you can....once" says Trev. Right. He actually gives a us a plan to progressively lift more more weight through a series of lifts reducing the repetitions until we're only doing one lift at our maximuum weight...see?
We get on with it but there's a considerable amount of time faffing around but, surpisingly, Phil has a couple of refusals on the bench press and Craig does the same on the bench pull. I take the crown but Trev reckons my short arms give me an advantage. Good, I need one! Not that it was meant to be at all competitive....(I WON! I WON IWON! nah, nah ne nah nah.....ec. etc.)
We finish off with a few 30 second "all out" sets on the paddle machines.....a warm down..ish. Again, non competive. But I think you'll find I won that as well. Possibly.
Saturday 6th
Tim's asked me to run Marcus's session so I prepare by; shouting random interval sets at people in the street, screaming "Goooooowe!!" and making people cry without just cause.
Chivvy people out onto the water thinking that there'd only be Sue, Zdenka, Phil and myself but when I get to Glovers there's a buch of people (including Tim, traitor!) and we end up with nine boats. I can barely count to nine never mind organise a damn session for them all. Bugger. We warm up to Eel Pie while I try and figure out W.T.F to do.
Pyramids...1, 2, 3 ,4 a BIG rest then 4, 3 ,2,1 after which we'll do something else, says I. Funny unusual but everyone seems distinctly focussed and there's no grumbling so we set off. I have the rather big disadvantage of having an inch of the seat pin sticking out of the bottom of my boat and having to shout instructions AND fiddle with my watch. This leaves me several boat lengths behind on the starts. Did anybody wait for me to catch-up? No, gits.
All going well until Fatz & Peter in the K2 decide life is too easy and throw themselves into the river just short of the lock. Eijeets! Tim does some "Off Pyramid" stuff while the boys re-boat and we head back to the group. Whats next? Er, oh...can't remember so I say "6 times 1", Rests?, yep we'll have some of those and make sure your all doing the right things....or you'll be for it. I chuck in a Marcus like "Keep clear of moored boats or you'll die" then we head off.
We have one more capsize (Craig) and then its all over and we head for the club for Tea and Cake. Someone mentions Alisons homemade sponge and the warm-down turns into a sprint and there's some unseemly queue jumping at the raft. I issue red cards and run for the showers...
Sunday 7th
Just the "Groovy Gang" today with Paul, Me, Phil and Sue. We do races to places (including some eratic wash-hanging, sorry Phil) to the lock and some mathmatically challenging intervals on the way back. Suitably knackered we do Sunday lunch with suitably big puddings at the White Cross
Tuesday 9th
Circuits blah blah....tired...blah...crying....pain....etc etc. Although, perhaps surprisingly, the whole thing is starting to become...enjoyable. There's a real sense of achievement as Trevor calls "last exercise" and I slump back along the plank used for the incline sit-up. I must be getting fitter coz it only takes 5 minutes of hyper ventilating before I'm able to hobble off to the showers.
Wenesday 10th
Dunno, so tired I can't remember what I was doing...or where.
Thursday 11th
Weights with Phil, Craig and new boy Tim. Trev teaches us how to do squats and lunges which we do. I notice its quite difficult and feel some slight twinges in my quads and glutes. I vaguely remember this usually preceding several days of not being able to walk. Rubbish, I'm a finely tuned athlete, and a little lunging shouldn't cause a problem. Trev continues to instruct us in the black art of "free weights" though there's nothing particularly "free" about the damn things. As usual Juniors (Ollie, Lizzie & Co) look on in mixture of awe and disbelief...mostly disbelief...
Leave the chaps doing chins and gallop off to Princes Head for dinner with Celeb, she inquires why I'm limping. I'm angling for some sympathy...she frowns and tells me to pull myself together...
Friday 12th
Have day off work to help Phil move and myself pack, this is effectively a training session as there's four flights of stairs and several hundred boxes to carry. We're both suffering from what has come to be known as "PTSD", that's Post Trevor Stress Disorder which reveals itself with painful flashbacks to earlier gym sessions plus excruciating pain...everywhere.
Anyway, the flat is fab and after we've moved Phil in I return to my digs to pack and move my stuff downstairs. I HATE moving....Sarah and Phil are in and I'm depressed that despite hours of packing, box moving etc I've only managed to move my stuff 20 foot.
Saturday 13th
As I can't actually straighten any of my limbs I decide to forgo the usual Saturday morning thrash up and down the river and lean against the Balcony watching Craig and Nicola prepare for......the Gurkhas.....EH? Yes the army has finally realised that the toughest canoe club in the land is Richmond and they've hired our man (and assistant) to lead their crack troops on a dangerous and challenging trip to.....Teddington.
Lots of faffing around later the troops load up and go in search of the enemy. Instead they find Sue who's had a bit of a er.....problem and thrown herself out of her Cougar at Hamertons. Our brave men in Khaki fish Sue and the boat out and continue up-river in search of the terrorists involved in the "Teddington Revolutionary Front" who, I think, were having a quiet pint in The Anglers at the lock.
Rollin', Rollin' Rolling....Raaaawhide!, The swimming pool in Acton is the venue for Criag, Andy, Tim, Nicola and myself to further our canoeing experience...trying to roll a canoe. The chap instructing us is "Whacko Jacko" and he asks us to introduce ourselves, we're from Richmond and its...
Naughty Nicola
Tacky Tim
Nefarious Neil
Cranky Craig
Actually Andy
He gives us a hard stare and launches into the lesson; First thing is to learn how to pitch a bale of hay over our right shoulder. We all pitch away and Jacko calls Nicola forward and asks her to give a critique..."Well, Craig's goggles don't suit him and...ohmygod...Tim's shorts have a hole in them!!"
After two hours we've all manage to roll successfully tho' some of us can only do it on one side with a following breeze. Still, a fab session and although I'm weary beyond belief its' bin very worthwhile. Make mental note to give it a go in my Jag.....I can do half a roll in it already, can't be that hard to do the other bit...
Finally zip off to see Celeb who's cooking tonight. I drink wine though a straw and groan quietly on the sofa.
Sunday 14th
Sun streams thru the blinds so I leap out of bed... and fall over. Spend 20 minutes trying to get dressed as unable to bend body...at all....in any direction...for any reason. Celeb sniggers quietly under the covers. I gather up the last remaining shreds of dignity and limp into the Kitchen....
After breakfast I collect a van, pick up Phil then we head to St Margarets to load my stuff up. Its not as bad I'm expecting but in our current physical state it's....challenging. After much sweating, grunting and groaning we've levered, hauled and badgered my stuff into the flat and we're.......IN. Can't believe we've finally made it and Sarah, Phil and I are officially "Flatties".
Tuesday 16th
New ringmaster for circuits this week: Charmie's in the Chair and although the warm-up is more a test of coordination than anything one suspects the following session is gonna be harder than usual. The regulars glance nervously at each other knowing that Charmie can get a bit carried away substituting the usual 30 seconds with.... "45 Seconds, get to it...GO!!". Oh dear
We all lumber into action although I hold back a bit figuring if we're doing 45 to start off with its gonna be more for the second circuit. It is and Charmie announces a full 60 seconds for round two. Its a tad exerting this one and I notice even Phil is struggling. The last circuit is a straight thru 30 second job and there's a few drop-outs before time is finally called. I'm the usual blithering mess but take comfort that even the Juniors have broken sweat this time.
Lots of new mugs at the club won by Richmond paddlers at last weekends Waterside C (well done everyone) which is fortunate as we're rapidly running out of appropriate gear for tea swigging from the Balcony. Tea, for those who don't know, is Richmond's beverage of choice for its top athletes. And indeed for it's rear...er...bottom...er athletes who aren't at the top.
Thursday 18th
Phil + I are doing the middle one of the three sessions written on the blackboard in the gym and we start faffing around loading weights up. As the juniors are still doing their session we get Ollie to time us on the "Core stability test" which Phil, just because he can do it, is very keen on. I'm less keen on it for the opposite reason and I slump to the mat after the 1 minute plank bit. Ollie encourages me to do the rest but its a big struggle!
Heave-ho, Trev suggests we do the Heave press and we take off all of the weights Ollie's doing and put some...other...weights on the bar. It all goes swimmingly with Trev adjusting our technique so we get the best out of it. If we get any better at it we'll be black belt gym ninjas.
We finish early to get ready for the "DW - Workshop" extravaganza though I'm only able to stay for Trevor's initial preamble on DW prep. However I hear that Neville's "Physiology" piece went down well and Charmie's "DW Support 4 Beginners" was a bit of an eye opener. I may have to re-think the boyz (Nev and Graham's) Fags & Beer strategy as Trev recommends "non-fizzy" drinks. Flat, warm, special brew should do it and perhaps we could leave out the fags this year. It was a bugger getting them lit which could've cost Nev & Graham the vets medal they so richly deserve.
Maybe they should do some training this time as well though frankly flipping through canoe focus should be more than enough motivation to carry them through. Especially those bits on canoe camping.
PS. If anyone fancies doing support there are still crews without any. See Me or one of the committee for names.
Saturday 20th
I spot Marcus loitering around the boathouse looking for his Saturday morning group. They're all hiding in the K4's but he finds them and orders us all onto the water for a big effort up to the lock. Tim and Craig are out filming the DW'ers as they practice portaging...Charmie shows them how to avoid capsizing at portages by....capsizing. Very good carry on, splutter.
We do the wash hanging thing which to Marcus' surprise (and to ours) we all manage to do quite successfully. There's five of us Phil, Chris, Zdenka, Andy and me. We eventually join the Juniors for some five hundreds up and down Eel Pie....which is where my problems start...
We turn after an upstream 500 and although I'm a master/expert at such manoeuvres I...make a real pig's ear of it and the "Danger Tree" at the top of the Island draws me into it's branches. I'm pinned against a large branch by the current rushing past the boat and I shout (scream) "HELP!" briefly thinking that this is all going to look very embarrassing over tea and cake later....if there is a later....Everyone gathers round offering tips and tricks for Tree extraction techniques. Chris finally says: "You're gonna have to let go of the branch and hope for the best". Fortunately it works and after everyone has stopped laughing (about 10 minutes) we do some more........Thanks to everyone for laughing so hard and for so long in my moment of extreme danger (huh).
Did I mention a certain DW crew turning their boat into a submarine? No? Congrats to Will & Fatz for bursting the seams on their K2, a splendid effort in the mirth making department...well done.
Sunday 21st
Celeb has enthusiastically agreed to join me in K2 for a dwardle up to the lock and back. I know it's a severe relationship test but I was very drunk when I made the offer.....Unfotunately Marcus hasn't read the script and arrives on spec to turn up the heat on our training program. Celeb looks a tad worried as he announces an effort of 10 miles, 80%, to the lock and back....TWICE. I exchange glances with Phil, Carston, Claudia and Chris and there's a quiet, unspoken agreement that a 5 mile, 60% to the lock and back ONCE is more than enough for a Sunday morning.
Celeb looks even more worried as we stand on the raft bent double against the wind, rain is also lashing down and the boat is rapidly filling up with rainwater. "WELCOME TO RICHMOND CANOE CLUB" I scream into the gale, Celeb returns tense grin. I spot Trevor, wearing a somewhat knowing grin, waving cheerily from the shelter of boathouse. We manage to launch and the boat seems stable as we plough up to join the rest of them at Glovers. We stay with the group until the top of Eel Pie when we decide to take a rest. Celeb strangely quiet in the back but perks up as the sun comes out and we really do dwardle back to the club.
Head back to flat where Phil has been maniacally throwing together ingredients for Sunday lunch and seems slightly tetchy as we (including Sue and Graham) all arrive in time to help him....eat it. Celeb v. happy and I breathe sigh of relief that her first brush with club members hasn't been (much of) a disaster. Which only leaves the rest of the club's members to worry about......
Monday 22nd
Fit new Digi box to big tele purchased, on Saturday, with bags of cash and no small help from Tim. Fellow Flatties Sarah and Phil gasp in admiration at my ambidextrous manipulation of remote controls although after an hour or two I begin to get Channel Hoppers thumb. Settle on the QVC channel and buy several hundred pounds of costume jewellery, two exercise bikes and a pasta maker before eating whole carton of odd tasting North African soup then going to bed.
Tuesday 23rd
Tom and Dick with severe Moroccan Chicken Soup Disorder. Have to have day off, ask Phil to give Trevor sick note. Can't believe I've missed the last circuits session, I hope they didn't have cakes. Phil says they had to do Core Stability test in-between each circuit, (almost) glad I was ill.
Thursday 25th
Fully recovered from Soup sickness I join Phil, Trev, Ollie, Lizzie and Eleanor in the gym for some Weights. Juniors nearly finished by the time we arrive but Trev hangs around to adjust our heave press technique. The latter is beginning to look, dare I say it, quite acceptable...at least to my untrained eye. Trev doesn't wince or gasp in horror anymore so we're taking that as a "good thing".
RICC Committee Meeting at 8.30. Its my second one but it pretty much takes the format of the first with Rear Admiral Martin laconically overseeing the chaos as we inch our way through the minutes of the last meeting. Various important matters are discussed and worried about, with several, unconnected, heated debates going on at the same time. Sean colours in a bit more of his agenda while Tim eats his baked potato and Melissa scribbles down the minutes.
We eventually reach "matters arising" and people begin to focus on the issues as we're well into the 90 minutes allotted for the meeting. Tim finishes his baked potato, Sean inks in the last of his agenda and smoke starts to rise from Melissa's pen. "Any other Business" is run through at a sprint before some committee members bugger off to the pub whose name I always forget. I expect its called the "Forget Me Not".
Friday 26th
Wash kit and prepare for Saturday by watching TV then secure drill from Celeb in order to mend kite in prep for flying on Sunday. Have early night, no beer or anything. No, really, nothing..at all.
Saturday 27th
Bloody Hell, Sunny or wot?? Even Marcus looks happy as he growls instructions for the session. He kindly suggests that: as the Merrie Thames has been sighted, a sort of Spring Cuckoo metaphor, it's about time my Jag was dusted off. I reluctantly fit "Ultra Low Seat Number One" to it and wobble off from the raft. Join Zdenka, Andy, Craig, Phil and Paul plus a K2 (crew unknown) and lounge round waiting for Gruppen Führer Gohar to join us in his C1.
Our warm-up is to Eel Pie concentrating on technique ("This is NOT a race!!"), followed by a wash hang thing to TYM ("This is STILL not a race!!"). Marcus then manages to confuse us (easily done) as he describes a 1 min on, 30 off, 30 on, 30 off, 1 min on interval pattern. He sets us off ("This is NOW a race") and we swarm towards the lock much like the Gurkhas must've done last week. Phil leads the assault and I cover the rear with Zdenka and Craig shooting anything that moves. Andy, paddling his Bassets Allsorts K1 is too easily spotted in it so we make him promise to paint it green by next week.
Turning at Teddington we do the interval stuff back to the top of Glovers. We hang around a bit as Marcus is suffering from "Spring C1 Paddlers Knee" then we turn and do it all again. Frankly I'm stuffed and I'm left well behind as we do the final race back the top of Glovers.
Sunday 28th
Myself, Celeb, Fraser and his Rugby Type bird (RTB) head for the South Downs and Devil's Dyke proportedly the Windiest place in England.....where we find there is...barely any wind. Despite this we do, in fact , manage to get both of the kites airborne with Celeb wowing the Sunday crowds by flying it to within inches of their cars. She eventually brings it down with a whoosh and a thud at the feet of two startled looking old ladies. What on earth they were doing walking around on a public footpath next to a National trust car park located at a busy tourist spot I shall never know....Celeb was perfectly within her rights to scare them witless.
Fraser meanwhile is impressing RTB with his dextrous handling of the "Stunt Kite", stunt in this case meaning Stealth Assassin as he "takes out" several triangles, a box and a dodecahedron. Lots of angry parents brandishing broken kites and trailing inconsolable children as we eventually lose interest and head for the pub......
Later head home where we watch Oxford cock-up (Cox-up?) the Boat Race. Looked nice and flat and I bet they were using low seats.
Monday 29th
Meet Phil and Sue at 6.30 for spin up river, search low and high for paddles. After 30 mins find them in DW boat where someone has kindly secured them for safe keeping. Thanks for that.
Charge off up river in Helly & shorts thinking that since the hour's gone back it must be summer? Not quite, I'm matching the colour of my boat as I pass Trev and Juniors at the top of glovers. "F-F-F-Frreeeezing.....isn't it?" I stutter. Everyone looks blank coz they're dressed in cags, hats and poggies. Huh, not very fashionable though is it?
Dash home for "Weigh-in" and find I'm bang on target having lost another half Kg. Look everywhere and decide it must be down the back of the settee but Phil & Sarah deny all knowledge and claim they haven't seen it. "Where did you leave it last?" says Phil.
Tuesday 30th
Mmmmm...6.30 and we're out again, and having learnt the lessons from yesterday...I'm dressed in the right gear. Phil & I not sure what to do as the wind scoots us up towards Eel Pie. Craig and Mark join us and we do 3 min efforts up to the lock and back down to Hamertons. The wind has increased and the Jag buries itself into the whitecaps surging up-river. After a few near misses and some judicious swearing we manage to slip into the calm waters behind Glovers then to the raft
Summer, it seems, is a bit of a way off yet.
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