- Editors Note -

Due to Neils complete and utter failure to produce any content for most of this month I sought young and emerging talent within the club to see if I could replace him, unfortunatly without success. I did find some old... and I hestitate to use talent here so possibly enthusiasm that without much prompting produced this surprisingly good submission, cheers Tim.

Neil claims the fight with his demons is now over (he lost) and he has started writing again, control of the blogg was to be decided by a high kneeling canoe race but due to the inadequacies of both participants instead I ruled in favour of Neil who generally buys me more beer than Tim.

As all good Richmond Bloggs, the story is based around real events, but only lies, rumour and scandal are actually printed. Names are never changed to protect anyone.

Sunday 20th

Fly to the Yukon as TV coach and honorary support crew member for Jason and Charmian in their attempt to complete the longest canoe race in the world, the 465 mile Yukon River Challenge. Meet one half of the BBC film crew, Rob and Ben at Heathrow, and divide the 13 cases of camera equipment between us. My gear is limited to warm weather clothing for those icy nights and a host of power tools and repair equipment for the boat.

After a five hour stopover in Vancouver, arrive at Whitehorse in the Yukon. An amazingly helpful Yukon Government Host (thanks Rob) makes light work of our luggage, and an hour later I find myself sitting down to a team dinner with the BBC team and our crew. There are a number of serious issues to resolve. The most serious is that the boat has a design problem with the front steering / footrest mechanism which is going to hamper Charmian’s ability to deliver her customary power. Almost as serious is that the promised 16C daytime and 4C night time temperatures have turned into high 30s during the day and 16 at night. The hotel is not air conditioned, so sleep is hard to achieve.

Monday 21st

A mad day designing and fabricating alternative footrest options with the BBC cameras rolling… “Can we just film you with that screwdriver again?, and another one close up?” Much more like Scrapyard Challenge than any sporting event. The sun is beating down, and thanks to a hat donated by our wonderful director (thanks Colette), I survive. My shirt is suffering from the sticky tape they use to stick mics on for live sound recording. Mental note to avoid cursing when dropping screwdriver fails. Sorry BBC

The race, which starts on Wednesday, is far too near. Consider asking the organisers to defer it by a week to allow us to get properly prepared, but am advised that they are unlikely to do this even for the BBC. Jason and I collect 2 of the three RVs (motorhomes) which we need to support this race. Total motive power includes a speedboat, three RVs, two helicopters and a seaplane together with a staff of 10 just to film two people in a kayak????

Nearly midnight by the time the boat is ready, so no chance for a shakedown paddle. In bed by 2am. Another short night as we have to be up preparing by 7.00

Tuesday 22nd

The sun sets here at about 12.00, and is fully up by 4.00 – it never really gets dark, and it never gets cold. Rush out and purchase shorts, T shirts, sun hat and dark glasses and abandon my cold weather gear to the luggage room. Mosquitoes are a real issue.

Final preparations complete by about 2.00, and Charmian and Jason take a short paddle on the lake above Whitehorse to get the trim of the boat sorted. I go for a short swim, more shopping for food and gear for the camera crews, and thence to the safety briefing.

There are crews from all around the world at this event, and we are one of four British crews. The SAS entries (SAS 1 and SAS 2) have us all worried and we treat them with caution until we discover they’re from the Surrey Ambulance Service!

We are treated to a half hour lecture on bears which can be a real problem in that part of the world. All boats and vehicles must carry Bear Spray. This innocuous looking aerosol shoots a Mace spray about 15 feet with enough power to stop a Grizzly in its tracks. One competitor misunderstood the instructions on the lid, treated it like mosquito spray and sprayed it under his arms – nice one!

More seriously a paddler without a buoyancy aid was drowned on the course just two days earlier. Leave briefing thoughtfully.

Pre race BBC briefing gets postponed to allow the crew to purchase the food they need for the race (at 10pm), and Colette and I find ourselves sewing pouches into buoyancy aids at midnight to allow the sound equipment to be attached to each paddler. Compare neatness of stitches. Colette wins on speed, but my backstitch is straighter.

Wednesday 23rd

Race Day. Frantic last minute preparation. Charmie decides it’s all too much and slits her wrist with a diving knife to try and get the start time deferred. A nasty cut to her left hand is not going to help!

With Gaffer tape holding the cut closed, Jason and Charmian walk to the start line some ½ mile away. As if the race wasn’t already long enough, the competitors start with a half mile sprint to their boats and a Le Mans style start! Owing to poor radio transmission, I fail to understand requests for zinc oxide tape, so Charmie races with gaffer tape in place.

The starting gun goes and the race is on. The photographer from the local paper gets a superb shot of our intrepid duo as they take to the water. The BBC helicopter hovers overhead and I rush from the bank to the speedboat which has also been hired to follow the race.

I have a huge feeling of deja vu (see Blogg – 26th May 2004). Our enormous wash takes out half the field as we struggle to catch up with the Richmond pair who are rapidly disappearing over the horizon. Fortunately our driver is a local, and shouts a friendly “there’s a bit of a wash” to the boats as we pass. I hide out of sight until we are past.

We secrete ourselves along the bank and wait for the paddlers to pass getting some superb shots and a close up view OF WOLF DROPPINGS!!

Lake Labarge is 30 miles long, and our paddlers lap it up, so much so that they are way ahead of any of our predicted times for them. They wash hang a C2, at least Charmie does, and Jason tries to help. I comment on his style, then realise my mic’s still on. Sorry Jason.

We abandon the speedboat, and climb aboard the seaplane which has now replaced the helicopter. The pilot is aware that I have 1500 hours experience on single engined aircraft, and invites me to sit in the co-pilots seat. Shortly after takeoff I take control. Looking around I see that the BBC crew hadn’t been briefed on my flying ability and are busy filming living wills for each other!!

A rapid conference ensues back at base given the speed with which our team are proceeding, with the result that instead of taking to my well earned bed, 1.00am sees our resident Canadian TV star (Natasha) and I each at the controls of an RV driving the three or so hours to Carmacks, the first rest point.

Driving an RV fast can be hazardous to ones health. Driving when tired ditto. Driving when asleep!!! A large moose gazes at us from the verge, and we both wake up.. for the next few miles anyway.

4.30 sees us asleep in our respective RVs. 7.30 sees us awake and preparing for the arrival of our crew.

Thursday 24th

Our friendly camp site manager connects the water hose to the input side of the toilet system. We are knee deep in ….., and all work is halted whilst The Star cleans the flood of sewage from one of the vans!

Charmie and Jason arrive as we finish cleaning the van out, leave us instructions on waking up times and after they’ve eaten the meal we prepared, retire to the other van to sleep. The final sleepy advice that “our boat seems to be taking on water, but it might be the drinking systems leaking..” leaves me little comfort.

By this time I’m shattered. We start stripping the detritus from the boat and washing unmentionable substances out of it. The Star feeds me coffee and makes me eat a sandwich. I fall in love.

Halfway through the stripping process, the cause of the leak becomes apparent – a hole about 1” long and ¼ inch wide in the gelcoat which has also gone more than halfway through the fibreglass is weeping copiously. I briefly consider doing likewise. Colin – another of those amazing Canadian people drives off in the RV and returns ½ hour later with epoxy resin. I think he must have got it from a friendly bear, because there are no shops in the vicinity and the nearest town is a three hour drive away.

On his return, our friendly campsite manager connects the freshwater hose up to the input side of the toilet system, and for the second time that day we find ourselves knee deep in…….!!!!! This time it’s my turn to clean the van.

Breakfast is made for Jason and Charmie. In the midst of this, a polite enquiry as to whether we’ve got time to sort dinner for the TV crew gets a rather short response, beginning with n and ending in o. I think I said that.. I’m sorry guys.

The boat’s wet, and the epoxy is the 90 minute variety – this is going to be tight! It was!!! I finish the final sanding back with about 3 minutes to go in true Peter Barnes style but with considerably less aplomb. Charmie is not able to eat much of the food she brought with her, and in the chaos my support crew skills suffer. On the water, midst some slight rising of tensions, it’s clear that Jason’s got Charmie’s cag – and vice versa. And I’m not sure the food is right either!

The Star has by now made a delicious spaghetti bolognaise. Incredible! I don’t have time to eat as Mike Stroud (adventurer extraordinaire), Colette, Hannah and I are now due on the next speedboat leg down to Five Finger Rapids

As coach, I do a commentary as we take the speedboat firstly down the course I think Charmie will steer, then down the route she’ll take if it all goes wrong. Quite an effect as we plunge through a number of huge standing waves. I hold onto Colette who’s doing the filming and loose all my brownie points by asking whether in the event of capsize I should save the camera or her.

The C2 in front of our pair get the rapids wrong, emerge sideways from the standing waves and career rapidly across a hundred metres of river in one of those sideways support stroke manoeuvres which defies description.

Charmie and Jason make it look easy, so I get my own back by criticising Jason’s style, then I realise that my mic’s still on – sorry Jason.

One of the RVs drives downstream to meet us, and we board for the drive back to Carmacks. It’s midnight, and the RV calls, but Mike and I need to wind down. The restaurant is shut. Incredibly I persuade the barman to serve me two large Glenlivets ($15 a glass). I take Mike his drink, but our discussion is disturbed by the barman hammering on the door of the RV demanding his glasses back – no off-sales allowed under Canadian law, and the Mounties are on their way!! We decant the precious fluid into our own glasses and the Mounties retreat.

Relaxed I return to my RV to find that The Star has left me a plate of spaghetti bolognaise ready to go in the microwave. Consider asking her to marry me, but decide her boyfriend would probably object.

Friday 25th

Breakfast in an extraordinary log cabin restaurant where I swiftly realise that it is we who are on the menu for the mosquitoes. We eat breakfast and grade each other on our ability to catch mosquitoes one handed without pausing for breath. You can tell those which have dined, they are redder when squashed. The red ones outstrip the black ones 10:1!

One RV left at 03.00 this morning with Mike and one of the camera crews who are meeting the speedboat further downstream.

Discover that the keys to one of the remaining RVs are missing – probably in Mike’s pocket. Via satphone he is adamant that he gave them to me. I’m clear that he didn’t. We’re both strip searched by Colette and Hannah respectively…. and the keys are found in Mike’s back pocket. Phew!!

Break into RV, recover camera gear, crew kit and anything else of value and leave remains to rot slowly in the heat. Surreal conversation about the documentary to be made in 100 years time describing the making of this film and unearthing the abandoned RVs, missing kit etc.. clearly too little sleep all round.

Another extraordinary drive this time to Dawson City, a 4-6 hour drive on largely unmade roads. Couple of stops to film rapids and bridges. Discover via satphone that the leading crew are so far ahead of schedule that we are in danger of missing their finish. Drive through mountainous landscape, the sky reddened by the fires which have been started due to the hot weather. Dante would have loved this. The second helicopter is grounded by the smoke so we absolutely have to get to the finish ahead of all the competitors in time to set up the cameras!

Police driver training has its advantages, and we roar into Dawson City at about 5pm. The Star has somehow managed to make sandwiches for us all during the trip and kept me fed, but hunger is looming.

This far North, the sun truly never sets, and Dawson City (pop 1000) is an unspoilt goldmining town where all the buildings are clapperboard. Some are derelict. Dine at Klondike Kate’s with The Star.

Climb on board an old sternwheeler for photographs. Drink beer from tea mugs, (no alcohol allowed outside in Canada). Shortly afterwards our speedboat arrives to tell us that Charmie and Jason are about three hours away.

Realise we have no champagne. Find one and only off licence complete with swinging half doors and purchase last remaining bottle of champagne in Dawson City, and another of sparkling white ($100!!).

The winners arrive. These two hardy Australians made it look easy. They walk up the gravel beach carrying their C2. For them it’s a two day rest before they set off to complete the remaining 800 miles of the trip to the ocean!!

The race to the finish for 2nd place was awesome. A K1 and a C2, separated by just five seconds after 460 miles!! And they were building up to the finish for 10 miles and sprinting for the last mile!!!

These crews need helping at the finish. They are shattered.

The tension rises and the crowds build. The presence of the BBC camera crews, the team of ‘experts’ and producers with clipboards lends a surreal air to the countdown. Voxpops of worried race marshals. None of their communications are working because of the forest fires. They have 20 – 30 paddlers strung along a 150 mile section of the course, and they don’t know where any of them are. The river is two miles wide in places. Bears abound, the water is glacier melt and very cold and it’s flowing fast

The Race Chairman tells the cameras this. Their health and safety rep stands in the background making throat slitting gestures which the Chairman fails to see. He walks round the corner to top himself.

Have a bet with Mike that Charmie will stick to the racing line about 500 metres away from our bank. He is convinced that she will cross the river towards the finish line out of the stream. We bet a bottle of champagne ($100). The BBC films it as evidence.

Our crew appear and we shout ourselves hoarse. Everyone is cheering them on; I’m telling Charmie to stick to the racing line. I don’t think she hears me, but as a good Richmond paddler she sticks to the racing line and continues paddling until after the hooter has gone.

Mike gracefully concedes the bottle, and we spray it over our triumphant duo. It’s now about 2.00am, and none of us have really slept properly for about five days. About an hour of filming interviews and administering first aid at the finish; Charmie has a huge hole in her left hand, both of them can walk, but neither very steadily. I’m not allowed to take their buoyancy aids off them as they’re wired for sound. Eventually transport Charmie and Jason to their rooms, and return to the shore to find the BBC crew well into their third and fourth beers, and finishing off the champagne. Join them briefly then drive them to their hotel.

Return to the shore to transport the boat to a safer part of the bank. It’s now about 4.00am and I’m absolutely shattered. Drive back to hotel.

Saturday 26th

Breakfast at 10.00 at Klondike Kate’s. It appears I’ve failed again in my support crew duties. Both Charmie and Jason woke at about 5.00 am and needed food. None was being served until about 6.30, and neither had any money. Apologise profusely, blame fatigue etc, but I should have thought of it.

Go panning for gold that afternoon courtesy of our ever helpful Yukon Government Host Rod. My spec is outdone by Charmie’s small nugget, Jason quickly gets bored, and his fingers are not up to it really. The Star and her other half fare similarly.

Charmie and Jason take the RV to go to the top of the hill overlooking the town for more filming. The Star and I go clothes shopping as I’ve been firmly told that nothing in my present wardrobe is fit for Diamond Tooth Gertie’s that evening. Aided and abetted I return more stylishly dressed than I have been for a long time.

Diamond Tooth Gertie’s is everything a casino and old time music hall from the Gold Rush period should be. I’m introduced to Blackjack, and finish the evening down some $5, although it had been as bad as $60 at one point. Drink rather large quantities of Yukon Gold, the local brew, and at 2.00am retire to a patch of land on which a house had once stood – about 100 years ago, to crack open the rest of the prize champagne. Then some beer, then some more beer…

Get told off for disturbing the locals, and move to a more remote spot for toasts and celebrations. Drinking alcohol in the open air is strictly against the rules in Canada, but just about tolerated in Dawson City.

Half the crew left at 3.00am to drive back to Whitehorse to catch flights, the rest of us retire to bed at about 5.00.

Sunday 27th

A day of rest; Team breakfast at 10.00; Prizegiving; Charmie and Jason win cash prizes for 8th position, and the first mixed double home. They also win the most beautiful wooden trophy for the first K2 home. They’ve broken the mixed double and the K2 record by more than 5 hours!! The remaining BBC crew and The Star leave for Whitehorse.

Evening meal with Charmie and Jason – and an early bed.

Monday 28th

Meet for breakfast at 7.00. Leave Dawson City and drive more sedately to Whitehorse. We’re meeting up with the Star again as she has relatives there and is staying a few days. Dinner with The Star.

Tuesday 29th

Flying to Vancouver at 2.30. The Star meets us for breakfast, and we rent a float plane for a last look round the area. She knows I’ll be flying, so is more sanguine. The smoke from the forest fires has now completely overtaken the town, the air smells of wood smoke and visibility is limited.

We return the RV and get a lift to the airport. Our plane is delayed, and we sit eating an airport meal and recounting tales of the past week. We’re all really too tired to make any real sense.

3 hour flight to Vancouver, and a two hour stopover. I get separated somehow from Charmie and Jason, and fill in the time by pleading for an upgrade for the flight home.

The pleading works, and I fly back First Class. Briefly visit Charmie and Jason and they tell me politely and firmly through gritted teeth that the economy class section of the aircraft is reserved for passengers holding those tickets and would I kindly return to my allotted seat.

Wednesday 30th

London Heathrow, tube strike. Normality returns. What an adventure!